The Page of Pentacles is an eager student ready to learn. Credit: Photo via bigjom jom/Shutterstock

Dear Oracle,

I used to be very close friends with “Roxanne” in college. We drifted apart, but I know a lot about her life because she posts obsessively on social media. Recently she just blew up another romantic relationship. From what she’s written, it seems like the reasons for the failure are also the same reasons I stopped hanging out with her. (Incredibly egocentric, always the victim, a sociopathic lack of empathy.) I know she just started therapy. Should I reach out to her and let her know that this is actually a pattern? I don’t think she deserves to be alone, but I don’t think she’s self-aware.—Old-pal Observations

Cards: Page of Pentacles (reversed), Temperance (reversed), The High Priestess (reversed), Queen of Pentacles.

Dear OPO,

I am not an absolutist when it comes to commenting on a friend’s relationship. I think it’s something that should be treated on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes, it’s best to let them have fun with that walking disaster; sometimes, it’s best to be that voice that cuts through the toxic love fog. It can be a precarious place for a friendship, but a strong one can survive the yucking of almost any yum—if it comes from a place of love and concern.

However, with three of the cards reversed, I don’t think you’re the person to address her behavior, my dear. That’s what she’s paying her therapist for.
You’re probably right about Roxanne’s behavior. If she’s posting so much of it online, in detail, that you can watch a pattern emerge in real time, she probably isn’t that self-aware (or cares about the privacy of her partners.) As the Queen of Pentacles, you’ve probably “done the work” of growth when it comes to friendships/relationships, and I’m sure you can offer her some kind, thoughtful “I” statements about your past relationship and why you chose to let distance grow.

But let’s go over the facts that you stated: Roxanne is an ex-friend who compulsively airs out her dirty laundry on social media for the world to see, has a victim complex, and lacks all empathy. On paper, this does not seem like someone who would appreciate notes regarding their past and present behavior. So, why don’t we let that sleeping dog lie?

If you are actually concerned for her, I think she might improve. The Page of Pentacles is an eager student ready to learn. Temperance and High Priestess would suggest her learning patience, moderating her behavior, and diving into the subconscious to address the heart of the matter. It seems like a good path forward for her.

However, if you want to send her a note just to get involved with this little soap opera or to be mean to her, don’t. The latter is an asshole move, and the former is an impulse that should be tempered.

Hopefully, Roxanne will address her behavior and move forward, creating a life that inspires joy and, if she wants it, a loving partnership that feels fulfilling.
And, hopefully for you, she’ll keep broadcasting every twist and turn so you can follow along from the comfort of your own lane.

Dear Oracle,

I was visiting a longtime friend at her home for a week. I thought everything was going well, but on my last day, something turned, and she said that I was a “toxic person” and that “everyone who has ever met you says you’re toxic.” This came out of nowhere! We were looking at her family photos, and she brought up that her dad was toxic. I have no idea what to do. Any advice?—Non-toxic?

Cards: The Devil, Six of Wands (reversed), Knight of Pentacles, Full Moon

Dear NT,

Psychoanalyst Carl Jung described humans as having a psychological “shadow.”

This is in our unconscious and where we put behaviors that we’re ashamed of, things unacceptable in society, negative feelings, etc. It’s a secret we try to keep from ourselves and can burst out of us at times, seemingly out of character. He also wrote that oftentimes, we will be highly critical of a person for a negative trait because we, ourselves, have that trait. We’re projecting what we hate about ourselves onto others.

So, you know. Perhaps your friend doth protest too much.

I don’t know the details of the dynamic, what was said, or who (if anyone) was at fault, but this is not a good situation. The Devil is causing whatever negative feelings to amplify and fester, probably allowing them to spiral out of control, and the reverse Six of Wands shows that it is not going to resolve peacefully any time soon. The Devil can also feel like a trap, that you’re chained to this cycle but that is, of course, a lie.

Right now, I think removing yourself from the situation is the way to go. The Knight of Pentacles is a calm presence in a state of chaos and drives forward without any distractions. Some distance right now is what you need because it’s time for deep contemplation.

The Full Moon card in my deck (Uusi’s “Pagan Otherworlds”) is a card for clarity, action, and amplified emotions. You’re going to be feeling a lot right now. Sift through it. What is true? What is projection? Do you feel like you are toxic? Do you feel like your friend is? Is it dynamic? What has led you both down the path to The Devil? Is there a way to correct course?

Or is this a ‘cut and run’ situation?

Generally, I do believe that friendships are foundational to a joyful life, so I encourage you to repair ruptures when possible. But like all relationships, some friendships can turn, well, toxic. Sometimes, it’s a break that’s necessary; sometimes, it’s an ending.

Whatever path you take, I do hope that both of you can find peace—either in a repaired and stronger friendship or on your own.

Take care, my dear.

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