Florida is once again front-and-center in the world of wacky.
We should have been able to breathe a sigh of relief when the Pope's death momentarily took us out of the spotlight. But no – our legislators immediately leapt into action and served up a menu of nuttiness that swung the bright lights right back upon us.
From State Rep. Dennis Baxley's crusade to protect the academic rights of beleaguered right-wingers to Commissioner Ronda Storms' stand against the evils of DVDs to the new law that allows Floridians to shoot first and ask questions later, it's good to see that the really important problems in Florida are being addressed.
In the glut of legislation dealing with pressing issues, though, it is natural that a few things would escape the notice of the mainstream media. Here, then, are the bills that aren't getting much ink:
CS/SB 3768 – Protection of Conservative College Students/Use of Force: Authorizes a conservative college student (as verified by voter registration records) to use force, including deadly force, against a liberal professor under certain circumstances; creates a presumption that any mention by said professor(s) of the words "Halliburton," "illegal war" or "evolution" constitutes a reasonable fear of exposure to different ideas; provides that a student is justified in using deadly force if midterm grades are below 70; declares that a conservative college student has no duty to retreat from the inane rhetoric provided by Campus Republicans and has the right to meet ideology with force in certain circumstances; prohibits law enforcement agencies from arresting the conservative college student without express written order from Governor Bush, etc.
Effective date: Fall semester, 2005.
HB 4568a – Open Wine Bottles Provided for Sustenance and Hydration: Prohibits withdrawal of certain vintages of wine provided for sustenance or hydration; allows persons in persistent vegetative states (Florida) to take home opened, unfinished bottles of wine from certain described restaurants (mainly Italian and chophouses); excludes Merlot; authorizes sommelier to petition for enforcement of court-ordered decanting of wine, etc.
Effective date: Upon release of this year's Beaujolais Nouveau.
SB 12.5 CS – Internet Dating Services: Requires criminal background checks before allowing member of dating service to perform certain acts; criminalizes all of those certain acts except for traditional missionary sex between a married man and woman; requires each service to establish a "Hellcats of Women's Prisons" picture gallery; requires participants to put their real pictures on the site and not shots of models that they look nothing like, etc.
Effective date: Upon getting to second base.
CS/HB 0000 – Slowpoke Highway Drivers/Use of Force: Authorizes drivers to use force, including deadly force, against another highway driver under certain circumstances, namely whenever said driver is in the left lane and doing anything less than 87 mph; designates said drivers as "slowpokes"; creates a presumption that anyone in a minivan qualifies as a "slowpoke"; allows faster drivers to use extreme obscenities in front of their children in describing slower drivers; authorizes the playing of Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55" in state-owned vehicles, etc.
Effective date: As soon as you can drive at least 43 mph on I-4 between 22nd Avenue and Malfunction Junction at 4:45 p.m. weekdays.
SB 5673 – Prohibiting DVDs in Public Libraries: Prohibits publicly funded libraries from stocking DVDs for patrons to check out; requires Ann Coulter books to be displayed prominently at the entryways; prohibits any technology developed after the Reformation; removes computer terminals and replaces them with chalk slates; requires librarians to wear modest clothing, such as good Republican cloth coats; prohibits the use of electricity, zippers, telephones and shaving of men's faces except for the area above the jawline; requires the churning of butter by hand and a barn-raising party each Saturday night, etc.
Effective date: 1689 A.D.
HB 30-06 – Use of Force/Use of Force: Requires that force be met with force; mandates the carrying of sidearms by teens and developmentally disabled; requires that Florida citizens shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die, etc.
Effective date: Upon the death of Charlton Heston.
CS/SB 9756 – Destruction of Wetlands: Designates wetlands as a threat to Florida's economy; allows use of force, including deadly force, against wetlands, etc.
Effective date: When the next person from Ohio moves to Florida.
Meanwhile, the vast conspiracy to embarrass our newest U.S. Senator, Mel Martinez, continues. His legal counsel, 39-year-old conservative Brian H. Darling, resigned on April 6 after admitting to Martinez that he had written a now-infamous partisan memo detailing how the Terri Schiavo case could be spun for political gain for Republicans. The memo included talking points and concluded that Schiavo's plight was a "great political issue" and that Congress' embrace of intervention "is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited."
Martinez, of course, had "no idea" that his counsel had written the memo and circulated it to other Republican congressmen. The conspiracy was insidious enough to slip a copy of this memo of which Martinez was "unaware" into his lapel pocket, where the good senator then "accidentally" gave a copy to (gasp) a Democrat.
Seriously, how much of this bullshit does Mel Martinez expect us to buy?
If there is one bright side to the memo debacle, it has awakened the Tampa Tribune editorial board's sense of humor. The op-ed page ran a picture of Martinez next to his sitcom role model, Sgt. "I know nothing!" Schultz from Hogan's Heroes.
Brava!
Political Whore apologizes for the column above. It was written without his knowledge by one of his aides, who has since submitted his resignation. You can reach Political Whore by e-mail at wayne.garcia@weeklyplanet.com.
This article appears in Apr 13-19, 2005.