Getting out of my car Saturday night in Fantasyland's parking lot, I literally stepped on a rubber vagina floating in a puddle. This was not the only awkward place my foot would end up that night — it would also be crammed in my mouth.
Joanna Angel, the provocateur of the punk-themed porn-site, BurningAngel.com, had a meet & greet in the toy store/video arcade/adult hangout that is Fantasyland. Seated in the back of the club's billiard room, Angel was probably the only person in the room with her back to the big screen TV playing scenes of Angel's heavily tattooed body bending in a variety of sex positions. My interview was unplanned, but between her ever multiplying tattoos, her stacks of DVDs, and a merchandise rack overloaded with moldings of her body parts, I assumed we could find something to talk about. Below is the conversation that followed in all its awesomeness and awkwardness.
Do you have any new tattoos?
There's one on my back I got a couple months ago. It's a coffee cup. It actually all ties together because I just made this movie, Baristas. Get it?
You didn't do the tattoo for the movie did you?
I did. I got it with Jessie Lee, who is one of my closest friends. We wanted to get a matching tattoo together for a long time. Something cute. We got a coffee mug because we were both in Baristas and we both drink a lot of coffee. Every time we hang out there is always coffee cups scattered around with lipstick on them.
Why not do a cappuccino cup that is smaller?
No, no, no. We wanted coffee mugs. I don’t wake up every morning and make myself a fucking cappuccino.
Have you ever shot a sex scene with someone who has coffee breath?
I’m probably the one with the coffee breath.
Has anyone ever told you during a scene, “Hey, you need to brush your teeth”?
No. They can’t really tell me that because I am paying them, so.
Do you think you will ever get a tattoo over your chest?
No, I’m going to leave it blank. I feel like either that is the first tattoo you get, or you never get it. Every girl I know with a chest piece, that was usually her first tattoo.
I’m not a huge fan of chest pieces. They distract from the cleavage?
Well don’t say that because my best friend Jessie has a huge chest piece, and she is the most beautiful girl in the world, so you better shut up. To each his own.
Isn't that what you proved with BurningAngel.com by presenting an alternative type of porn star, or at least a more tattooed type of porn star?
I mean, I don’t even know if girls with tattoos is a niche. There are so many girls with tattoos now.
So what brought you down to this signing? Did Fantasyland just call you randomly?
Yeah, but it's not that random. This is my job. It's pretty normal for porn stars to do store appearances. I guess they sell a lot of my stuff and a couple people have come in asking for me. I actually met the owner’s granddaughter, Samantha. She runs the place with her grandmother who is like—
The coolest grandmother ever.
Yeah. She is going to be me in like 20 years. She is like really raunchy. She owns a business. And is really funny—
How are you going to dress when you are 65 and running one of these places? I see you in like a see-through nightgown.
I don’t know what I’m going to wear when I am 65. Do you know what you're going to wear when you're 65?
Yes. A three-piece suit with the pants pulled up to my nipples.
I think I’m going to be more like a crazy old Jewish woman, so I’m going to wear really gaudy jumpsuits with rhinestones.
Will the New Jersey Jewish accent start coming out more?
I think so.
Have you ever thrown an accent like that in a porn, like your character had a really thick, Jewish accent?
No. What is a Jewish accent anyway? Like an Israeli accent, or like a, “What are you talking about?” accent? It's different. Which one? I’ve never done either in a porn, but I'm curious to know what you think a Jewish accent is since it is like a religion?
People for whom Hebrew is their first language?
Oh, like an Israeli accent. Like my mom is Israeli. Like, “Ehh, what are you talking about.” No, I haven’t done that.
So, uh, tell me about your sex toys?
I have a licensing deal with Topco. I don’t make my own toys. I could not afford a huge factory. I do make my own movies though. BurningAngel.com is a production company.
Do you have a life-sized Real Doll of you available for purchase?
I have a blow up doll. I have molds of my ass and pussy. I have my boobs and mouth molded too, so I guess if you just made a torso, and some legs, and some hands, you could make your own Real Doll if you bought all the pieces and put them together.
Would you be impressed or disturbed if a fan made a Real Doll of you by piecing together your moldings?
I would be really impressed. That would take some craftsmanship. I would encourage that.
That sounds like something that would be in the new zombie movie you just finished shooting.
It's not a zombie movie. It is Evil Head, a parody of Evil Dead. Linda is not a zombie. She is just possessed. If you look at the makeup in Evil Dead, it is like decaying and like demonized. Did you ever see Evil Dead?
Is that the one where she has sex with a tree?
Yes. That happens in ours. We got branches that are also dildos custom-made for the movie.
How do you make decaying bodies look sexy?
It is fucking hot. Girls getting railed by a bunch of dildos that happen to look like trees, I think that is hot.
What is the most expensive dildo-shot you have ever done in a movie?
Like, have you ever used any CGI—
No. Why would I use CGI when I can use the real thing?
Like, in Pirates XXX, when they have the CGI skeletons.
In Kung Fu Pussy we used a green screen in the beginning of the movie to make it look like I was in this kung fu class with like 500 people. It was really just three people copied again and again. I actually tried to hire a bunch of extras, but only three people showed up. That was the only time we had to do that.
Did you chop balsa wood?
No. I did chop a piece of wood. I broke it on my ass because my thing in the movie was, I was supposed to have an iron ass. And the other girl — we made up a name that was like, 'Lotus Tits,' or something weird like that — she broke a board on her boobs.
So uh, which one of your ass plugs is the best ass plug?
This anal training kit is the newest. This was my idea. This training kit has a small, medium, and large one for people who are scared of using butt plugs. I don’t really need the training kit. I have graduated. I am past training.
So even the largest one is too small for you?
[Joanna gives me a funny look as she picks up a cylindrical vibrator, though it is not immediately clear if she does so to demonstrate something, or to smack me with the sex toy.]
Never mind. You're a professional.
This is a great toy for anal, even though it's not a butt plug. I use this for anal all the time and I give it to other girls to use for anal because it is smooth and rounded and goes in really easily.
Does it matter that it does not have a flared base?
That is for butt plugs so they will stay in, like if you want to keep your butt plug in all day.
Do you use the vibrating feature when you use this toy anally?
I don’t really like anything vibrating in my butt. This one, it is just the shape that works well. I once put this one and this smaller one in at the same time.
In your butt, or in different—
In my butt.
Which one of your toys do you think I would buy?
I don’t know. I don’t really know you.
You should judge me based on my appearance. It's fun.
I mean, do you use sex toys?
You tell me. Does it look like I use them?
No. Maybe you would buy bondage tape.
Is it just duct tape but pink?
No it’s not duct tape motherfucker. It’s bondage tape. It sticks to itself so if you put it around a girl, it will stick. It is tough but it is not impossible to get off. If you put duct tape on a girl, you are going to have some issues. This comes off really easily but it is enough to hold someone there. It is not like some crazy, over the top, bondage gear. It is more like bondage for beginners. I mean, everyone likes being tied up during sex.
I’m always afraid of being tickled when I'm tied up.
No. You tie up the girl.
I don't know. Every fetish party I’ve been to is overrun with dudes wanting to be tied up and tortured by fetish models.
I’m not talking about some crazy fetish. I’m not saying put a mask on and slap a girl with a paddle. This is like handcuffs. I’m not like a kinky, fetish person. But, I like being tied up during sex sometimes. That is just aggressive sex. That doesn’t mean someone is the master and someone is the slave. This bondage tape is fun. It won’t scare anyone. The girl can get out of it easily.
I feel like if I whipped out tape, I would freak the girl out.
Then you must hangout with some really lame people. It’s pink. You can’t be scared of anything that is pink. That’s why it is pink. It is fucking pink. If you took out duct tape, because you are a big pervert, then that would be scary. I would be scared. If someone took out duct tape I would be like, "I’m going home man."
Also, all of my toys are either black or pink, just like my hair.
Will you ever change your hairstyle?
I probably can’t now.
It is part of your brand. Have you ever worn a wig around just so people don't recognize you?
No. I’m not that famous. I wore a wig in Evil Head.
What movies do you have planned for the future?
We just made Evil Head. That was a very big one. I make 18 movies a year. I am in six or seven of them. A lot of them I just direct. I think it would get boring for people if I was in ever single movie we put out. I have to spread the love around. But, this was a big one. It's called, Joanna Angel, Filthy Whore.
Really? What is the plot?
It’s a movie about me being a filthy whore. I really like making movies with plots, but to be honest, they are very draining.
Do you get the same return on plot pornos?
It all balances out in the end. Some people prefer the plots and some don’t. I like to have movies that are just straight, dirty sex, and some movies that have more of a story.
I have done some really dirty sex scenes in movies that have plots, but sometimes it is difficult. When you make movies with plots, you are on set all day. By the time you get to the sex, you are tired. I have done some great scenes in plot pornos, but it is easier when you come to set, get your makeup done, and you just start having sex—the sex is going to be a little more intense. So the sex in the movies without plots is always a little filthier than the sex in the movies with plots.
In porn, what do you see as the wave of the future? It seems like everyone is starting to do webcam work? Even the local strip clubs are starting their own webcam sites.
We do webcams on BurningAngel.com. All the girls do cam shows. I’m not very good at them. I mainly let the other girls do them.
I thought that was your thing, being one of the multimedia porn stars who is super connected to her fans?
I only do like one webcam show every couple of months. We do a webcam show on BurningAngel.com once a week. When it is live, I get stressed because all these people are talking to me and asking me different things at once — even though they are my fans and they are awesome people and I want to make them happy — I just get, like, “Ahhh! Stop telling me what to do. Fuck you!” That's what I say in my head. But on webcam I'm like, “Yes, what do you want? I’ll bend over.”
There are a lot of girls on BurningAngel.com who are really good at it. One girl made like a trivia game and every time a fan got a question right, she took off a layer of clothing.
I like making movies better because I am more comfortable going to set and scripting everything out as opposed to having this hour where I don't know what is going to happen. My friends tell me I’m kind of a control freak. I guess that is okay.
Do you see yourself becoming someone like Nina Hartley in the future, a sexpert who dabbles in making films?
I don’t know. I mean there's only one Nina Hartley. There is only one Jenna Jameson. There is only one Belladonna. I think in porn you really can’t be like anyone else. You can only be yourself. I like doing comedy. I’m not much of a sex educator. I have been asked to do speeches at colleges about stuff like sex education, and I just don’t think I am qualified. I will give sex advice, but ultimately, I don’t know. I think you have to take classes to really be good at that stuff. I know jessica drake took some classes.
Yeah. Now she has that whole series, Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex.
If I was going to give speeches or write books, I would rather give advice on running a small business. I am just not a sex educator. I like having sex. I have sex with people on camera and off camera, but I don’t think I know anything that your average horny person doesn't know about sex.
Follow Joanna Angel on Twitter @JoannaAngel , see hardcore content of her on JoannaAngel.com , and checkout all the explicit content she produces at BurningAngel.com
Follow Alfie on Twitter, Facebook, or at shawnalff.com