'Step right up and test your fate against the world's greatest hot dog! It's death-defying! Layered with churros and cotton candy and Cracker Jax and peanuts — smothered with onion rings and steak strips and piping hot French fries, get the World's Greatest Hot Dog right here!"If I ran the circus, there would definitely be muscular men on stilts shouting at the audience, offering imaginary foods like the death-defying hot dog, and other fantasy concoctions so strange you could only countenance eating them in the presence of clowns. It would be a guilty-pleasure-fest for snobby foodies, who could safely indulge their longing for relish from a plastic packet.
Of course, I don't run Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and I'm certainly not in charge of the foods offered at the St. Pete Times Forum — because neither passed this foodie's test. First, a word about the Forum: its PR refused to allow me access to the auditorium early, possibly to keep me from finding out that the foods offered there really suck. In other parts of the country, concessions have become an art form, with multiple big-name vendors offering their wares for sale in a smorgasbord of trashy food offerings. But here at the former Ice Palace, circusgoers are offered a steady diet of pizza, burgers and "Arena Classics" — the aforementioned hot dogs, pretzels and the like. It tasted like my elementary school cafeteria was catering.
My hot dog ($4), though sufficiently meaty, was hidden away in a nasty stale bun. Packets of ketchup helped, but where were my chopped onions? A pretzel ($3.50) was stale, and supreme nachos ($4.50) were just Tostitos, some gloppy cheese goop and some desiccated "salsa" — no jalapeños, no sour cream, no fun. And beer? Icehouse literally came out of the tap warm and flat — WARM! — at $7 a pop. (The $4.50 beers were unavailable that night.) My advice? If you're going to run away and join the circus, pack your lunch. 'The emperor's new clothes look very charming today.""Oh yes, quite. And I am really enjoying my meal here at Siam Garden."
Such would be a conversation I'd imagine overhearing at St. Pete's Thai darling, Siam Garden. For years, this little hole in the wall has been garnering praise: several Best of the Bay awards in the 1990s, numerous positive reviews from the dailies. Everyone I talked to loved this place. But honestly, I'm just not sold on it.
Service was quick and courteous, the atmosphere was pleasant, but the food just didn't fly with me. Our spring rolls ($3.50) were tasty; it's hard to screw those up. But our entrées: bleh. The much-vaunted frog legs ($11.95) were chewy, garlicky but not enticing; one each, and we were done with the dish. Tofu Pad Thai ($9.95) was OK, but not sublime: The noodles were covered in a thick, nondescript orange sauce, and the cubes of fried tofu were collapsible and hollow inside. Worst of all, there were no sides of limes, cilantro or bean sprouts to liven the dish up. (Reheating the leftovers at home with those items, however, wasn't much better.)
But most disappointing was the roast duck ($16.50). Duck done well can be astounding: cooked long enough and slow enough that the layer of fat underneath the skin renders, basting the muscular meat of the duck, creating a juicy delight. Siam Garden taught me an invaluable lesson: Cook a duck the wrong way, and the fat will congeal, turning rubbery and inflexible, and the meat will actually dry out and become flavorless. It took some serious knife work to get to the meat of the matter; and it was without reward.
Everyone loves Siam Garden, so I feel badly about not liking its food. Maybe I caught them on a bad night. Maybe I ordered the wrong things. At any rate, bleh.
3125 Ninth St. N., St. Petersburg, 727-822-0613.
MINDLESS MISTAKES DEPT. Last week, we told you how much our reviewer loved loved loved Maria's Greek House. I bet a lot of you were tempted to go try it for yourself. And I bet quite a few of you were stymied because we gave you the wrong address for the place. The correct address is 1844 62nd Ave. N., St. Petersburg, and the phone number is 727-459-6694. The review can be found online at: www.weeklyplanet.com/2005-01-05/food_ feature.html. (Note: At press time the online version was still awaiting correction.)
Know where I should be eating? Tell me all about it. Food@weeklyplanet.com.
This article appears in Jan 12-18, 2005.