Anyone who knows me knows it doesn't take much incentive for me to throw a few brews and sandwiches in the car and strike out for Florida's great unknown. I love this glorious, messed-up, salty state so much that if I could marry it and have its little mixed up swampy babies, I would.
So when I saw a press release whose subject line started with "Celebrate the National Park Service Centennial in the Everglades…" I got excited. Visions of me mucking about in the 'glades, snapping photos of orchids and paddling the Ten Thousand Islands, me against nature, mano-a-everglades-o style: Me, a huge bottle of water and an almost-as-huge bottle of DEET.
The most intense dreams die before they have a chance to live.
The rest of that subject line read "…with LaPlaya Package."
Let's forget for moment the missing article in the press release. LaPlaya? I don't claim to have explored every inch of the Everglades, but as I run through the campgrounds in my head — Flamingo, Long Pine Key, Cape Sable, Ten Thousand Islands — nope, no LaPlaya.
Intrigue tastes like dread sometimes. I swallow hard and tell myself what I'm tasting is only remnants of lunch. I open the email.
Hope you’re well! Did you know the National Park Service turns 100 on August 26, 2016? The National Park Service is encouraging Americans everywhere to #findyourpark this summer!
Those looking to have an interactive outdoor experience in a National Park, while enjoying luxurious beachfront accommodations can look no further than LaPlaya Beach & Golf Resort in Naples, Florida, who has launched a National Park Service Centennial Celebration package.
Oh, yeah, that's dread. I can tell because it has less self-awareness than roast beef. A golf resort on the edge of the Everglades? Look, to paraphrase a pre-crazy Dennis Miller, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but building a golf resort on the edge of the wilderness smacks of the sort of stupidity usually confined to state politics. Bragging about building a golf course next to the Everglades — and allowing your fertilizer and pesticide runoff to contribute to the problems currently killing the Everglades — makes me rageful.
Like an idiot — a rageful idiot — I keep reading.
Available from August 1st – September 15th, the package for two is priced at $3,500 for two nights and includes the following:
Hold the fucking phone. Are they deeding me part of the Everglades for that price?
Accommodations for two nights in a Premium Beachfront Room with soothing décor and Floridian coastal elegance…
Nice use of caps on words that don't need it.
A helicopter tour provided by London Aviation of the Everglades National Park, the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the United States
Helicopters? OK, well that's not—
A boat-assisted kayak eco tour provided by Everglades Area Tours, where participants can expect to encounter a wide variety of the Everglade's wildlife — manatees, dolphins, sea turtles, bald eagles, ospreys, herons, egrets, and more…
"Boat-assisted?" The brilliant design of the Everglades means you can drop a 'yak in the water from anywhere. Seriously.
Transportation in a luxury sedan to the helicopter tour and boat-assisted kayak eco tour.
Yes, I always take luxury sedans to my kayak launch. What the hell? I feel as though maybe these people haven't seen the Everglades before, because a luxury sedan is not the vehicle of choice.
A 50-minute Sacred Stone Massage at the resort’s onsite SpaTerre. The ancient healing massage features heated volcanic river stones that penetrate the deeper layers of muscles, offering a new dimension of relaxation…
Again with the weird caps? Sacred stones? Look, if I want to be pummeled with rocks, I'll build a time machine, travel back in time to 1693 and call myself a witch.
LaPlaya Beach & Golf Resort is located in picturesque Naples, Florida, which was recently voted the #1 happiest and healthiest city by Today.com. The beachfront property overlooks the pristine waters of the Gulf of Mexico and is the perfect destination for families, couples and friends to enjoy a beach, spa or golf vacation.
So really, you don't give a rat's red ass about the National Parks Service at all, do you? Because Big Cypress National Preserve lives a lot closer to you, but I notice you don't mention that. Why is that? Could it have anything to do with keywords and SEO?
Could the resort and this package be of interest to you for upcoming coverage? Please let us know your thoughts. Thank you so much!
Best, Hilary
Look, Hilary, you sound like a nice, enthusiastic lady. I know you are "just doing your job" in sending me this. If I may, though, I'd like to make a suggestion: Please don't use the much-maligned Everglades to market a trip to Naples to high-end customers willing to pay $1750 a night.
See, Hilary, many Florida travel writers spend their days looking for ways to show people how to get down-and-dirty with Florida wilderness, and when we see press releases like this, well, it makes our souls die a little bit, because we realize the people marketing eco-tourism to tourists may not know as much about the "eco" part as they do the "tourism" part.
So here's what I propose, Hilary: Whey don't you drop me an email and we'll set up a time for you and I to spend the day in the Everglades? I'll show you a slice of paradise, and you can decide what to do with it from there. I promise you I can show you something your guests will never forget and hey, who knows, they may learn something.
What do you say, Hilary? Let's #findyourpark together, you and I.
This article appears in Jun 30 – Jul 7, 2016.