So the weekend rushed by, blown by heavy winds and the kind of screwed-up weather that's come to define this winter in Florida. There was barely time to make fun of anything, hardly at all.
FRIDAY, JAN. 23
Airplane Lord of the Rings-ring-and-heated-welcome-mat-and-fake-rock-to-hide-your-key-in catalog SkyMall filed for bankruptcy. Finally.
Those of you who hope to one day see a Florida panther in the wild (as opposed to those of you who just secretly yearn to run over the last remaining one) are no closer to achieving your goal — while births are up, deaths are up too, making everything kind of a wash. Also, seriously, who the fuck is running over 250-pound wild cats? Their sexting has gotten a bit verbose, methinks.
SATURDAY, JAN. 24
St. Pete mayor Rick Kriseman announces during his state of the city address that he's struck a deal with Pinellas County to build a new police station. Yup. That's right. There's a scandal about arts funding, folks trying to keep the Rays in town, and the first thing he can think of is, let's keep cops on everybody's mind, shall we?
Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport was disrupted after reports of bomb threats, which turned out to be false. Who the hell is gonna bomb the Atlanta airport? ANYBODY WHO'S FLOWN DELTA OR SOUTHWESTERN, THAT'S WHO.
SUNDAY, JAN 25
And finally, my favorite headline of the entire weekend has simply got to be "Man arrested after setting fire to building." Well, of course he was.
This article appears in Jan 22-28, 2015.