Welcome to Wednesday, henceforth known as "the day after the last tumbler fell in the final lock guarding humanity against the inevitable arrival of the apocalypse." (Oh, and yeah, we know that's Tina Fey and not Dumb 'Ol Banal Evil Incarnate up there. Screengrab, fair use, yadda yadda.)

Enduring political punchline and noted study in incoherence Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president, less than 24 hours after her son Track Palin was charged with domestic violence and possession of a weapon while intoxicated. Great. More "straight talk" from people whose idea of making America great again is giving everyone automatic weapons so they can shoot people who don't want to bring children into a world that might make them like Sarah Palin's offspring.

Police released information about a Largo man who allegedly shoplifted a $1600 puppy from an Ulmerton Road pet store by stuffing it under his shirt, then traded it for crack and cash. I would, no kidding, consider this guy's endorsement for president more seriously than Sarah Palin's. His initiative and effortless confidence remind me of a young Bill Clinton (who, as you know, presided over the country's largest economic expansion since WWII) — only, well, a little bit seriously cracked out.

And finally, a new report released by Wallethub — yeah, we get a ton of 'em — estimates that a lifetime of cigarette use costs the average Florida smoker nearly $1.5 million, when estimates for health care costs, work loss, and other factors beyond the simple cost of coffin nails are factored in. Not factored in: That feeling of pulling on a smoke outside in the cold when on one's second bourbon; the incalculable satisfaction of irritating self-righteous strangers en masse.

This article appears in Jan 14-20, 2016.