So, is everybody recovered from the weekend, and the weekend before that, and the period of forced commercialism and socializing that stretched back from that to the Halloween weekend? Yeah, you never get it back, do you? Oh well. It's Tuesday. Treat yourself to some tacos for lunch.
Florida law-enforcement agencies are currently in possession of more than 13,000 untested rape kits, which will likely cost tens of millions of dollars and god only knows how long to process. Our state's AG Pam Bondi called the situation "a public safety issue" in a rare moment of completely lucid derf.
A small fire in one of the girls' bathrooms prompted the evacuation of Plant High School shortly before the usual scheduled dismissal time. My favorite part of this story is how TBO.com says the fire just "formed" in the bathroom, as if we all don't know this is related to cool girls smoking.
A Universal Florida caricature artist who was disgruntled over being fired stabbed his former coworker at Islands of Adventure's Toon Lounge. Unfortunately, there wasn't a third caricature artist nearby to capture the event in the light, tragedy-softening style for which it so desperately called.
And finally, the world's laziest anti-Islamist asshole was arrested for vandalizing a Space Coast mosque and leaving bacon at the scene. Bacon? As in, like, a packet of Oscar-Mayer? Well, maybe the dude was in a hurry to get to his meeting about how Jesus totally said it's OK for folks to hate.
This article appears in Dec 31, 2015 – Jan 6, 2016.