Good Tuesday to you. Christmas is now fewer than two weeks away. Think about that and try not to wonder if maybe somebody kept you drugged in a closet somewhere for like half the year and then somehow made you forget.

St. Pete's Lakewood High was locked down after a video circulated on social media showing a student with a gun; two 16-year-olds were eventually arrested. Oh, were you hoping to get through a week without a school being completely disrupted by a potentially dangerous and wholly avoidable situation engendered by sheer stupidity? That's sweet, you and your hopes.

News broke yesterday about a man who was arrested after urinating on the floor of a Tampa Steak 'n Shake dining room in full view of dozens of witnesses over the weekend. Listen, my head is too full of terrible pee jokes. Pun about relief? Zinger using "pissed" as a synonym for "angry"? Pithy rejoinder full of withering disdain for fast food restaurants and their patrons? I can't decide. Choose your own adventure, Dear Reader.

When your meth addiction eventually leads you to homelessness, what do you do with the ample time and lack of money for meth that generally typify such a condition? Why, start making your own meth in your tent, of course. Enterprising! And not at all horribly gross and toxic and probably lethal.

And finally, U.S. President Donald Trump wants to send us back to the moon. You can take the kid out of real estate development…

This article appears in Dec 7-14, 2017.