Good morning! Guess who’s coming to dinner, South Tampa.
FRIDAY, FEB. 3:
St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Kriseman pretty much declared the ‘Burg a sanctuary city on his blog. Yep, the mayor has his own blog. At Medium. Upon hearing this, several people immediately began working the phrase “Medium used to be cool” into conversation whenever possible.
Gross company Mosaic has begun work on filling that disastrous sinkhole that spilled more than 200 million gallons of radioactive water into the state’s aquifer. Workers will be sent into the sinkhole’s as-yet-undetermined depths to seal it in a process known as “feeding the CHUDs.”
SATURDAY, FEB. 4:
St. Pete’s new bike share program officially launched. Sorry kids, fixie and velocipede options aren’t available. You still gotta move to Portland for some things.
Also in St. Pete, a 21-year-old employee at an assisted living facility was arrested after video surfaced of her beating an elderly resident with a hollow leg brace. In a testament to the quality of my character, none of the many, many, many insensitive dad-joke-style punchlines this story immediately inspired will appear here.
SUNDAY, FEB. 5:
And finally, in the ultimate Most Important Sportsball Fight flip-flop, the game got better while the commercials did not. And in a total win for everyone, Trump was knocked off the world’s Facebook feed for, like, 19 minutes.
This article appears in Feb 2-9, 2017.
