“I want to do great things,” she told the ancient and wise sage, seated before her. The fire made dancing shadows on the wall and she could feel her breath pass over her as she pushed it out again, making her cells one with the universe. She had traveled long and far to get here; the challenges had been vast. She’d left all her earthly belongings behind and now she stood, ready to realize her life’s true purpose.
“You can do great things,” the sage replied “so long as you don’t need them to be great.”
She thought for a moment, then smiled, nodded and stood.
“Fuck that shit,” she said. “Maybe I just need a beer.”
Friday
You know, there’s something to be said for a good hot dog. Notice that I used the word “said” and not “shot out of the barrel of a gun” — a point of clarification I never thought I’d have to make. Remember the good old days, when the words “Oscar Mayer” didn’t trigger a hostage situation?
Another fire in Ybor. Can someone explain to us how a city made entirely of brick can catch fire so damn much? Oh, right — arson. So, hey, if you see some people with rags and matches hanging around CL, maybe call 911, k?
And today’s “Weirder than Florida” award goes to… Wisconsin, where selling Kerrygold butter earns grocers a $1000 fine. That’s not the weird part: Wisconsin “butter aficionados” have filed a lawsuit over this. God bless America.
Saturday
In New Jersey, rescuers freed a deer from a frozen pond after it had been stuck there for a day. That’s the last good news you’re going to read here. You’re welcome.
Chuck Berry died. Nothing funny about that; he was a giant. I mean, come on, he had a record go into outer space. We’re a better world for having had him in it.
Sunday
Jimmy Breslin died. That’s probably a metaphor for something, and it isn’t good. Go read his piece on the man who dug JFK’s grave, then cry a little bit.
Westboro Baptist sent a hordes of haters five (apparently) assholes to protest Christian churches because… um, they don’t hate gays enough, or something. Fortunately, Tampa Bay’s an amazing, loving community who outnumbered them (with much better signs). Love wins, y’all. Oh, and why did Westboro choose Tampa as a hate target? Well, logic, really. “You have to be sensible,” Margie Phelps (daughter of the probably-rotting-in-hell founder, Fred Phelps) told Jon Wilson. She then went on to use the word “literally” when she meant “figuratively” and posted “Your and asshole [sic]” on social media. Probably.
Sesame Street announced plans to add an autistic Muppet to the cast. This Muppet — Julia — will bring a wider understanding to a disease that’s been so far summed up by a “bazinga!” shirt.
Scott’s back tomorrow, y’all. Hold it together for a few more hours, k?
This article appears in Mar 16-23, 2017.
