It's Monday! Time to crawl out of your fun-hole and back into reality, Big Kids. While you're sucking down a coffee and wondering if you'll make it until 5 before needing a medicine beer, check out what happened while you were serially bumming cigarettes and talking smack about Daniel at the bar.
FRIDAY, MARCH 18:
A St. Pete jury awarded Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea $115 million in compensatory damages in his lawsuit against Gawker over its online publication of a sex tape featuring him and his former friend Bubba The Love Sponge's wife. Apparently nobody appreciated the irony in a man making a global media circus about the idea that he once had his privacy compromised exactly like that.
Cops found a 31-year-old Gulfport man passed out behind the wheel of a stolen Caddy in Clearwater after smoking crack perhaps a bit too heavily. The dude didn't know he was on Drew Street, and thought he was behind a 7-Eleven, which is apparently an acceptable spot among county-crossing pipeheads for a little smoke-jolt.
SATURDAY, MARCH 19:
In other Bay area doing-stupid-drugs news, a dozen idiots were treated for symptoms likely due to "overdoses" of synthetic-pot bullshit Spice, all in the same area of St. Pete and all within about an hour and a half. Cut it out, people. Nothing that comes in colorful little Pop Rocks-esque branded pouches is reliable, and the guy at the bodega where you buy your incense is not a reputable dealer.
Tampa Bay Lightning goalie Ben Bishop helped the Bolts hold on to a 2-0 win over Arizona, and notched the franchise record for shutouts in the process. Nice work.
SUNDAY, MARCH 20:
And finally, two 13-year-old Pasco girls crashed the car in which they were joyriding while being pursued by deputies, leaving the passenger with serious injuries. I hate to do that thing where you blame the parents for the kids' behavior, but really, what are the odds that shitty parenting played absolutely no role in this scenario?
This article appears in Mar 17-23, 2016.