If you wanna enjoy your Friday, you gotta put out Thursday's trashfires.
U.S. Rep. Charlie Crist — you guys know him, right? — called on the Department of Interior to put manatees back on the endangered species list, because any drunken asshat can buy or rent a boat or Jet Ski and go screaming obliviously through three feet of water, and some people are so stupid they literally try to jump in and hug the poor things. Manatees were downgraded from "endangered" to "threatened" last year, but humanity didn't get any smarter to compensate.
A serial burglar stole an urn containing the ashes of a police officer from his widow's home in Lakeland. Extremely valuable, yes — to, like, his family. It's great how the universe is set up so that one ignoramus's dumbshittery can break a stranger's heart.
Terrible politician and unrepentant NRA shill Marco Rubio's "mobile office" will be stopping by for a meet-and-greet in New Port Richey on April 9. Hmmm, wonder why they didn't select a more, ahem, populated part of Pinellas? No matter. Fans of peace, fairness and ethics know where and when his minions are gonna be — go have some words with 'em, kids.
And finally, the Tampa Bay Rays won their Opening Day bout against the Red Sox 6-4, after a grease fire broke out in one of the Trop's restaurants. It's gonna be an interesting season, folks.
This article appears in Mar 29 – Apr 5, 2018.