"Say the line!"
"First things first," he said into the mic, to no avail. "I'm here today to talk about feline leukemia, which each year kills thousands of beloved cats just like-"
"Just do the line!"
He looked out over the podium at the dozens of expectant faces. I'm tired, he thought. Tired and old and I don't want to do this shit anymore.
"C'mon, Garfield! Say the line!"
"I …" He looked down at his notes and sighed. "I hate Mondays," he growled softly and, shoulders slumped, slunk to the side of the platform and down the stairs to enraptured applause.
The Rays lost their Opening Day game against defending AL East champs the Orioles 6-2. You could almost feel sorry for them for being distracted by everything going on off the field, but then you remember they're professionals who are paid extremely well to focus and produce results, not Timmy who dropped the ball in left field during Little League because his parents have been fighting.
Duke Energy continued its attempt at repairing its horrible, terrible, completely deserved public image by releasing a proposal to credit $600 million back to the utility's customers. Of course, the plan involves the company being able to immediately clear what would've been long-term debt by selling to its own investors (who would pay a lower interest rate than the company itself) and making a pile of cash in the process. But don't let that overshadow the fact that we might all see an estimated $2 or $3 drop in our electric bills as a charitable side effect of Duke doing itself a solid.
And finally, a man in Town N' Country was arrested and charged with maintaining a marijuana grow house, in a bust that netted 170 pounds of weed. Cops said the bust had a street value of nearly 50 million Doritos.
This article appears in Apr 2-8, 2015.