Now that you've risen, let's check out the weekend's headlines.
FRIDAY, MARCH 30:
Someone is poisoning dogs around the 700 block of 44th Avenue North in St. Pete. Someone is going to be taking a well-deserved ambulance ride. Please, if you live in the area and have a pet, keep an eye on your yard for errant bags or crumpled trash. If you live in the area and don't have a pet, keep an eye out for alley skulkers. Who the fuck does this? A small, small coward who can't assert any control in any area of his own life, that's who. Let's find this fucker.
A Lakeland guy reportedly said to a cop about the dumbest thing you can possibly say to a cop in Polk County: that he was going to shoot Polk County Sheriff Grady "Kill 'Em Till You Run Out Of Bullets" Judd. Man… that's dumb. That's like saying you'd like a shot at whooping Mike Tyson's ass within earshot of Mike Tyson. Was alcohol involved? Yepper.
Speaking of being dumb and talking about shooting people and/or things, it's now a felony to threaten a mass shooting or terrorist act in the the state of Florida; Governor Scott signed that into law on Friday. Fortunately, the kids who say really stupid things online about shooting up their schools are the same kids who closely follow their home state's legislative processes, so let's call this problem solved.
SATURDAY, MARCH 31:
The Tampa Bay Rays celebrated their 20th anniversary by bringing some original team members back to the Trop and wearing the club's original "Devil Rays" logos. Then the Red Sox beat 'em 3-2, which, c'mon, is pretty funny.
SUNDAY, APRIL 1:
And finally, the wife of central Florida congressman (Dem.) Darren Soto was arrested for disorderly intoxication after reportedly getting into an argument with family members. One would think that no matter how drunk you got, when the cops showed up you could just say "married to a politician" and get a sympathy pass. And a ride. And a drink.
This article appears in Mar 29 – Apr 5, 2018.