*Looks Tuesday in the eye and does that "come at me" gesture like Morpheus in The Matrix*
Do you pine for the days when there was a Democrat in the White House, our region of the state wasn't constantly on fire and there was always a monkey on the loose somewhere around here? Well, you can relive the magic, sort of, but you'll need to go to a Jamaican restaurant in Apopka, where a rhesus monkey has been spotted in the non-wild. Do not approach the monkey. Do not pet the monkey. Do not attempt to befriend the monkey with reefer, reggae and meat pies.
Hey, remember the principal of St. Pete's Campbell Park Elementary? You know, the one from last week who — and we're just inferring from her emailed comments here — wanted to group all the white students in her mostly black school together in the same class like birds of a feather so they wouldn't feel "uncomfortable" around all those kids who don't look just like them? Yeah, well, she's magnanimously requested a transfer out of her position to one at the school district headquarters so as not to be a "distraction," but that's not enough for some community parents, who want her fired. Oh, we're sorry — "understandably." Some community parents completely, totally, understandably want her fired.
And finally, as if the thrill of killing a large reptile historically recognized as a symbol of evil isn't enough in and of itself, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission announced new incentives for the state's python hunters, including T-shirts and monthly prize drawings. What we assume to be the main incentive — the opportunity to achieve immortality through a viral video of you getting your ass handed to you by a giant snake — remains very much in play.
This article appears in Apr 20-27, 2017.