You can't have your lunch beers until you recap yesterday; them's the rules.
The St. Petersburg City Council unanimously approved a motion to rename the main branch of the city library in honor of an African muslim who hijacked democracy. Ha, just kidding! President Barack Obama was actually born in Hawaii, and presided over massive job growth and national debt reduction. Your dad's weirdo birther business partner is a dipshit.
Speaking of dipshits, a 30-year-old Palm Harbor dipshit was arrested for shooting out the windows of more than 30 cars with a pellet gun. C'mon — that's what a 16-year-old dipshit does.
A massive crane fell over at the site of the new St. Petersburg Police headquarters. Authorities are investigating the cause of the crash, as no one, ahem, copped to it.
And finally, a box truck jumped a curb and crashed into a KFC in Pinellas Park. Three people were injured in the incident, astonishing everyone with the news that there were three people inside a KFC in the first place.
This article appears in Apr 5-12, 2018.