So the “heat index” is going to top 100 degrees today. The “heat index” is not a measure of actual temperature, but rather a gauge of what it “feels like.” So tell yourself it “feels like” you’re floating in a chilly pool beneath a secluded waterfall in freakin’ Bora Bora, and let’s get on with our lives.
Man who’s good at hitting a small black slidey thingy Steven Stamkos signed a new eight-year deal to remain with the Tampa Bay Lightning for an outrageous amount of money. “Hey, he won’t be able to play forever, professional athletes have to retire really early so they gotta make it while they can,” said somebody who loves America and hasn’t been able to afford an oil change in two years and will retire to one-half of a spacious Kenneth City dumpster at 93.
A guy from Florida is suing Apple for $10 billion, saying he invented the iPhone in ’92 and putting up a patent application including what looks like a toddler’s sketch of a dream of a Kindle Keyboard as proof. I drew a rocket ship on the back of a Chuck E. Cheese placemat when I was eight and some lawyer somewhere needs something to do, so I guess I’m coming for you, Elon Musk.
Hey, the house from Sixteen Candles is for sale, just in time for the Tampa Theatre’s screening of the John Hughes classic this weekend. Your hero Steven Stamkos can afford it; you can’t.
And finally, just as the gross, shameful, insanely destructive “sugar spill” is going viral, our state’s Department of Agriculture seems to want to get rid of laws regulating the disclosure of how much fertilizer is sold. That seems… counterintuitive, in the sense that we’re using the word “counterintuitive” as code for fucking crazy irresponsible.
This article appears in Jun 30 – Jul 7, 2016.
