Happy Monday! Please swim down through your flooded home to your waterlogged Internet Viewing Terminal, and let's begin.
FRIDAY, JULY 24:
The last few grapes of aging human cartoon Hulk Hogan's celebrity turned sour and had to be purged from the vine of stardom when evidence of an n-word-laden rant emerged. Thousands of vaguely racist dudes roughly my older sister's age who don't think they're racist at all are bummed.
Very famous Tampa steakhouse Bern's once more earned Wine Spectator magazine's Grand Award, alongside 80 other restaurants worldwide. Seventeen other Bay area restaurants were also singled out by the magazine for recognition, serving as notification that you can no longer afford to eat out.
SATURDAY, JULY 25:
The two opening paragraphs of this story say it all. Apparently "The Megatoad" upset three-year champ "Jaws" in the Hooters Worldwide Wing Eating Contest. Me-Ga-TOAD! Me-Ga-TOAD! Also, we should all be a little ashamed.
A Hillsborough County elementary school teacher faces termination (as in "fired," not "executed") for putting duct tape over a kindergartner's eyes as a punishment. Do they really even need to vote on this?
SUNDAY, JULY 26:
And finally, as BombWatch 2015 gives way to nostalgia for the return of FlagWatch(tm), the group that tried to crowdfund a "unity flag" to compete with the giant Confederate flag that flies at I-4 and I-75 raised less than 10% of its financial goal, but vows to continue the fight. Ugh, flags. That shit is soooooo five weeks ago.
This article appears in Jul 23-29, 2015.
