Welcome to Monday. Fun fact: the word "Monday" is derived from an ancient Sumerian term that translates loosely as "paying the weekend's tab."
FRIDAY, JULY 7:
Five St. Pete area waterfront recreation areas tested positive for high levels of potentially hazardous poop bacteria.
Three more Bay area Kmarts are scheduled to close, leading to the startling realization that there were still three Kmart locations in the Bay area.
A 23-year-old Tampa man appeared in court after being arrested Thursday for creating a disturbance on a flight from Seattle to Beijing during which he lunged for an emergency exit door and a flight attendant had to clock him over the head with a wine bottle. "Tampa Man Cures Cancer" still noticeably absent from headlines.
SATURDAY, JULY 8:
Thousands of people descended upon the Florida State Fairgrounds to enjoy Shark-Con. Oddly, there wasn't a single report of anyone biting a shark or reasonable facsimile of a shark, and asking the shark or reasonable facsimile of a shark how they like that shit.
SUNDAY, JULY 9:
An Ocala man reported dozens of monkeys invading his property to steal food from his deer feeders. "Increased monkey presence" has officially entered the Florida weird-news lexicon, at least until the coyotes eat them all.
And finally, two of the three guys who made headlines for robbing a Lakeland Home Depot while dressed in women's clothes were arrested in Louisiana. Drugs aren't awesome for everybody; if you're a stupid young man prone to poor life decisions, perhaps consider decoupage as an alternative to ruining your life.
This article appears in Jul 6-13, 2017.