Have we talked about how Tuesday sucks in a stealthy way, and how it's only because Tuesday is lucky enough to follow Monday that Tuesday seems not to suck, and that it's just a contextual thing? We have, haven't we? I feel like we have.
Are you simply clamoring for Land O' Lakes sinkhole updates? We've got you covered, weird person: Initial water tests on 20 homes yesterday showed no signs of contamination, but more detailed results will be released today. Meanwhile, an investigation into the history of work on the land revealed inconsistencies in paperwork about how the previously confirmed presence of the sinkhole was handled. So the forecast on this one for the time being is that no one's gonna get sick, but everyone's gonna get sued. Nature: such a delicate balancing act.
The governor of the great state of Florida (who might also be a soul-wraith) thinks sinkholes and protective mama gators aren't enough for you to worry about, and is also aware that he is not popular, so he'd like to remind you that there's no Zika here yet this summer. So we've got that going for us. Could have Zika, but don't. It's not here, but don't forget to be scared of it.
Let's take a look at Monday's late-breaking news about the weekend. What do we see? There's a St. Pete mom who was arrested for hosting a big ol' binge-drinking party for teens at her house (at least one kid had to be hospitalized), and there's a Clearwater grandmother who apparently ditched her 3-year-old grandson while trying to make a post-shoplifting getaway. On second thought, let's not look at that shit, it's super depressing.
And finally, the Tampa Bay Rays, a Major League Baseball team I enjoy making fun of because their stadium is right next to where I live, reliably fucking up my commute for like half the year, beat the Oakland A's 3-2 last night, putting them within two games of first place in the AL East division. I congratulate them, because I'm a good sport, and also because it's just a greater height from which to tumble (*laughs maniacally*). No, seriously though, nice baseballing there.