Happy Independence Day! Look, I know we're all in a hurry to pack our GI tracts with factory-farmed leftover bits and then move right along to the ingestion of heroic amounts of alcohol and the exploding of stuff, so let's make this quick. (Also, you've got like 19 email newsletters about sales to dig through. America!) Count your fingers, and try to keep track of 'em, OK?
Two people were injured, one badly, when five dogs got out of a St. Pete house through an open window and attacked them. Yes, they were American Staffordshire Terrier-esque dogs. No, we didn't lead with "Pit Bull Terror!" A person who probably shouldn't be responsible for taking care of anything more active and complex than a succulent screwed up.
A Miami judge struck down recent changes to Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law as unconstitutional, because people have the right to walk down the street and be like, "hello, how's it going?" without having to worry about getting shot.
And finally, cops conducting a traffic stop down in the Keys on Sunday discovered three endangered Key deer in the car, bound with twine. This raises all sorts of questions, chief among them, what kind of party was this?
(Now check your email. You have 19 more Fourth of July sales announcements.)
This article appears in Jun 29 – Jul 7, 2017.