Hello, Carly and Claire!
I’ve run into what I call a “little big problem” in my marriage. My wife and I have been married for 27 years, and overall we have a very beautiful marriage!! She is truly the light of my life!!
OK, Let’s address the elephant in the room… me.!! I’ve gained 114 lbs in the past few years. My wife never comments on it but basically… I’m having trouble performing. Ladies, I’m trying not to get graphic here but my big gut means we can’t be Husband and Wife. We’ve tried to get creative, but it just doesn’t work!! Online I’ve seen advertisements for special pillows to help make the act easier, but I’m afraid that’s just too damn unsexy!! My question is: Should I just buy the damn thing and surprise my wife? Will that kill the mood? How can I go about this without looking like I’m introducing Orthopedics for love making to the bedroom?
Appreciate ya!! Stay safe out there :~)—Signed, Full Heart, Fuller Gut, Can’t Move
Today it feels as though hearing about a successful marriage is exceptional. Current dating culture and media practically pass out invitations to easily fulfill your temptation and curiosity. So in a society full of cheating, learning about your beautiful marriage is a nice change of pace. Twenty-seven years of marriage is incredibly rare. Coming from someone whose family has not seen a successful marriage within the past three generations (on either side), I think you should be proud. However, thinking that your performance in the bedroom could be contributing to marital problems is worrisome. Sexual performance or lack thereof could be the beginning of a detrimental crack in what has been a happy relationship. Not to worry though, many people have gained weight throughout their marriages and found solutions.
Typically giving advice about health and fitness is out of our wheelhouse but we’ve scoured the internet for a little bit more context on how these pillows work and what benefits could come from them. According to research, these pillows come in all different shapes and sizes and can be an excellent way to supplement if you have mobility issues in the bedroom. And they can be rather discrete. If you’re worried about someone seeing them, tell them you just needed something more ergonomically correct for your aging bones (you’ve been married for almost 30 years so I’m guessing you’re probably an AARP or Silver Sneakers member too? At the very least I’m sure you know how to play Bridge). However, a pillow won’t resolve issues of low cardio or muscular endurance, which may be connected to your current sex troubles. We always recommend talking to a doctor before you engage in rigorous activity that could put strain on your heart.
Now it’s time to address the other elephant in the room. In school I had a grammar teacher who told us that we only have a finite amount of exclamation points to use in our lives. Once we have used our last one, we die. Between your heavy handed use of exclamation points and the extra 114 lbs you’ve been carrying in your gut, you could be on your way out. Not to mention attempting to have sex with your wife could be physically exhausting, and we do not want to have a murder suicide on our hands i.e. you try to fuck your wife, get too worked up, have a heart attack and squash her like a bug underneath your stomach. So the obvious solution is to lose a few pounds before you literally drop them onto her. We’re not the first people to suggest this though so maybe we can think outside of the box for a moment. On second thought, actually, thinking outside the box might be exactly where you’ve fallen short. Have you tried just thinking inside the box? Like with your mouth? This could be one way to keep her happy while you make an effort to get into better shape. Remember FHFGCM, losing a bit of weight could be as simple as cutting out soda and going on a 30-minute walk everyday. This will allow you to not only satisfy you and your wife’s sexual needs but also provide longevity to your marriage and your life.
You seem like a nice guy with a wife who loves you. She’ll still love you even if you bring an oddly shaped pillow into the bedroom.—Carly and Claire
Editor’s note: It’s happening! After just a couple weeks on stands, readers are sending questions to Carly and Claire, who’re developing ‘Tell Me About It’ as a new, locally-produced column offering alternate responses to the ones Dan Savage presents in his long-running column. Send your questions to rroa@cltampa.com and we’ll forward them over.
Creative Loafing Tampa Bay accepts letters to the editors and op-ed pitches. We will not run your letter without permission. Email your submissions to rroa@cltampa.com for consideration.
This article appears in Oct. 22 – 28, 2026.
