THE HORNY 16-YEAR-OLD UP-ALL-NIGHT-WATCHIN'-SKINEMAX LIST

Body of Evidence (1993)
Screwballs (1983)
Bound (1996)
Sliver (1993) and Basic Instinct (1992) (The Sharon Stone double feature)
Poison Ivy 2 (1996)
Wild Things (1998)
9 1/2 Weeks (1986)
Wild Orchid (1990)
USA Up All Night (Started in 1986)
Red Shoe Diaries (1992-1999)
Anything with Shannon Tweed
-Joe Bardi

OH GROW UP

Jersey Girl (2004) It is so NOT cool to like ANYTHING with both halves of Bennifer. I get that. And, yes, it's Kevin Smith and no one says "cocksmoker." Deal with it. I still like this movie. George Carlin does some of his best acting work, Liv Tyler's cute and the kid is adorable. What's not to like, you jaded pricks?
-Joe Bardi

SINISTER '80S FAIRY TALES

They're morbid and they're dark and I watched them habitually. And I still watch them now.
The Secret of Nimh (1982)
The Dark Crystal (1982)
The Neverending Story (1984)
Return to Oz (1985)
Labyrinth (1986)
-Leilani Polk

Deep Blue Sea (1999) Four words: sharks with human brains.

Deep Cover (1992) This post-Boyz n the Hood street-life cop-flick features a brooding Lawrence Fishburne and a gleefully mugging Jeff Goldblum, and is both intentionally and accidentally hilarious.

The Best of Everything (1959) Oh, the torture of a publishing career. Joan Crawford at her broad-shouldered, bitch-with-a-heart-of-bronze best, plus aspiring editors and/or manhunters Hope Lange, Diane Baker and Suzy Parker. Suzy, don't jump!

Grease 2 (1982) Every song sucked, but in that irritating way that makes you still want to sing 'em ("I wanna co-o-o-ool rider, a co-o-o-ool rider!"), the T-Birds had turned into bowling pussies, and the Pink Ladies were uncool enough to create a highly elaborate skit for the school talent show. But there's no denying the hotness of a young Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield. Yum.

Hackers (1995) With a premise that rips off War Games, this post-modern piece of shit is worth watching if only for the steamy scenes between hotties Angelina Jolie and Jonny Lee Miller.

The Mummy (1999) & The Mummy Returns (2001) Don't know what they intended, but the result comes off like a cross between Michael Bay and Hanna Barbera.

Godzilla (1998) Uh, we just bought it for … uh … the extras. Yeah! That's it! Oh, and Hank Azaria (we'll watch him memorize the dictionary. He's that cool).

Evolution (2001) Ivan Reitman re-imagines the buddy flick to include CG aliens, a clumsy Julianne Moore, a giant farting blob impervious to everything but dandruff shampoo, and Seann William Scott. One Planet staffer has seen it 15 times, and he has no idea why.

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979) A tanking basketball team is saved by an astrologer. Features that towering thespian Julius "Dr. J" Erving, who thankfully didn't quit his day job.

School Ties (1992) Brendan Fraser hides his Judaism. That's right: Brendan Fraser.

Toy Soldiers (1991) Sean Astin kicks some nameless Arab terrorist ass pre-9/11, in utterly impossible fashion.

Next of Kin (1989) Patrick Swayze as an urbanized hillbilly cop, who calls on some hicks from the sticks when seeking revenge.

Point Break (1991) Keanu Reeves goes undercover to bust a gang of surfing bank robbers (led by Swayze, who should have his own wing in the Guilty Pleasure Hall of Fame). In an embarrassment of guilty riches, Gary Busey also stars.

Ghost (1990) Forget Swayze. And Whoopi, too. Tony Goldwyn's the guiltiest pleasure in Ghost. When he spills coffee on himself so he has to take off his shirt, it's, yes, the lamest trick in the book – yet so worthy of the pause button.

Muppets Take Manhattan (1984) The Muppets putting on a Broadway show! Rats working as waiters in a New York City diner! Cameos from Liza Minnelli and Joan Rivers!

The Boondock Saints (1999) A wonderful mess of a Tarantino clone. It looks like they gave Willem DaFoe a couple of lines of crank, then told him to do whatever the hell he wanted.

Deep Red Hatchet Murders (1975) You never have to wonder what it's really about. (Also known as Deep Red.)

Death Wish (1974) Unabashed glorification of vigilantism. Charles Bronson, a mild-mannered architect, starts out tentatively but quickly gets the hang of slaughtering bad guys.

Dawn of the Dead (1978) George Romero's follow-up to Night of the Living Dead; a Technicolor gorefest in a shopping mall.

High Spirits (1988) There's just something about ghosts having sex with humans. A nice chance to see Liam Neeson do something wholly frivolous and completely stupid before becoming a "serious" actor. And Peter O'Toole's the shit.

Road Trip (2000) Over-the-top, zany, Tom Green actin' all stupid, but the most redeeming aspect is Amy Smart naked.

Legend (1985) Tom Cruise, young, longhaired and wild-eyed; Tim Curry, red, muscular and mean. MmmmmMmmmmm.

Little Giants (1994) Al Bundy vs. Rick Moranis – Disney-style.

The Hot Spot (1990) Don Johnson as a shady outsider; Virginia Madsen as the town slut; a young Jennifer Connelly as the innocent love interest – and topless. Exquisite.

Little Nicky (2000) Wildly underrated. Harvey Keitel as Satan, Kevin Nealon with boobs on his head and Adam Sandler as the devil's child.

The Witches of Eastwick (1987) Three friends knowingly screwing the same guy, who just happens to be Jack Nicholson as the devil.

CB4 (1993) Chris Rock in a bad movie when he was still good.

Flashdance (1983) It's all about Jennifer Beals' ripped-up sweatshirt.

Necessary Roughness (1991) Kathy Ireland, at the height of her fame amongst 13-year-old boys, plays the kicker on a – you guessed it – ramshackle college football team that somehow finds a way to win the big one at the end. Also stars Scott Bakula, 82, as the quarterback.

Rudy (1993) An underdog scraps his way onto the Notre Dame football squad. Blatantly heart-tugging, but you can't hardly help but give into it.

Rocky III The most pissed-on of the Rocky movies. Mr. T is awesome!

Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) We know most people are over it, and the handful of ragtag, bedraggled souls who dress themselves up in ridiculous costumes to badly act the whole thing out every weekend are kinda pathetic. But c'mon … no one's sexier in a bustier and platforms than Tim Curry; Susan Sarandon's so darn perky; and even Meatloaf staves off annoyingness long enough to successfully portray the "tender" Eddie. Kinda makes you want to take that first step to the right.

Superfly (1972) Horribly acted, stilted and stagy. It's still cool to watch a badass coke dealer "stickin' it to the man" with Curtis Mayfield's brilliant soundtrack in the background. The bathtub sex scene is a hoot.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004) Worth it for the phony weather reports alone.

Tank Girl (1995) Lori Petty stars in this fun, post-apocalyptic comedy. Her love interest? A mutant half-retarded kangaroo.

Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home (1986) Guilty for obvious reasons, pleasurable due to how funny it is (no, really).

Super Troopers (2001) "Littering and, littering and, littering and…" There are those who understand Broken Lizard's stoned-frat-boy humor, and those who think you must be stoned to even stomach it. All we know is, if this comedy troupe could only get Carnival Cruise gigs for the rest of its existence, we'd say "all aboard."

Commando (1985) Ah-Nold before he classed up. A catchphrase a minute.

Escape from New York (1981) Post-apocalyptic hilarity from John Carpenter. Kurt Russell has to break the president out of New York City, which has been turned into a maximum security prison. The year is 1997.

Goin' South (1978) Jack Nicholson freed from the gallows by Mary Steenburgen, who puts him to work in a mine.

The Quick and the Dead (1995) Sharon Stone in a gunfightin' tournament.

Where the Buffalo Roam (1980) The kinder, funnier celluloid Hunter Thompson, but still a mess.

Private Resort (1985) You know, the one with a sexed-up Johnny Depp and a geeky Rob Morrow? The one you used to sneak a peek at on late-night HBO, after the 'rents had gone to bed? Every second that Mr. Depp is on the screen makes it worthwhile.

Waterworld (1995) Kevin Costner's Heaven's Gate, but it's still good, campy fun.

Ice Pirates (1984) Comic robots, barrooms full of aliens and an atypically goofy Robert Urich star in this B-budget sci-fi spoof.

Half Baked (1998) Billy Bong Thorton and Wesley Pipes? Harland Williams feeding a horse to death? Couch guy? A classic guilty pleasure.

This article appears in May 12-18, 2005.