TRAVELOCITY
The Amazing Race (2001-present) Why, when running around airports getting tickets exchanged is about as much fun personally as a buzzsaw to the head, is it so entertaining to watch a gaggle of Type A personalities trying to do the same thing? OK, maybe that isn't so entertaining. But the travelogues are fun.
-David Warner

KNOTTS' LANDING
Three's Company (1977-1984) Janet was the smart one, Chrissy (real name: Christmas Snow) was the stupid one, Jack was the clown. But when Don Knotts entered the picture in '79 as Mr. Furley, everyone else faded into the background. Don Knotts rules!
-Kelli K

DAYCARE
Family Matters/Who's the Boss/Growing Pains/Any Other Generic Sitcom From The Late '80s For a good six years all I wanted was to be adopted by the Tanners. Latchkey kids everywhere know exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you were one of those precocious youngsters who actually amused themselves, the afternoon block of feel-good reruns was your real family. Mom and dad at work? The Keatons are always around. Lonely? Mike Seaver's down to hang. Need a good laugh at an exaggeratedly dorky kid? Spend a half hour with Erkel. I'm still not sure whether or not it's evil for the local UPN affiliate to dump these shows on lonely kids every afternoon. But, if I'm bored enough, I'll still watch them. And I'll still wish I was more like Alex P. Keaton. Talk about a fuckin' complex.
-MAX LINSKY

Battle of the Network Stars (1976-1985; and that garbage from '03 don't count) Here is an idea whose time has clearly come around again. Kevin James vs. Drew Carey in the 200m dash!

F-Troop (1965-67) Supremely dumb '60s sitcom about a Wild West Army outpost. Worth watching just to hear Sarge throw his hat and yell "Agaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrn."

The Three Stooges (1950s-present) How can you not laugh at a sledgehammer in the face, or a hot iron on the ass, or a pair of pliers on the nose? Curleys or Shemps, they're all good. Avoid the ones with Joe and Curley Joe.

Lost (2004-present) Like you didn't know the Planet was obsessed with this show from those entries in Short List every week. But can something really qualify as a guilty pleasure if the rest of the world is just as obsessed as you are?

Fantasy Island (1978-1984) "Ze plane, ze plane!" If you were a child growing up in the '80s, this was some spooky shit. Was the whole show some metaphor for heaven? Why did Mr. Rourke only wear white? How come he hung out with a creepy midget (sorry, "little person")? And what was up with that two-tone hair?

Land of the Lost (1974-77) Dinosaurs, aliens and time travel, all done with shit sets, bad props and no money. What's not to love?

The Love Boat (1977-1986) We think it's the lounge-lizard title tune more than anything. Still, Captain Stubing was hot for a semi-bald man!

Too Close For Comfort (1980-1985) Ted Knight with a puppet.

Duck Tales (1988, 1990) Woo Hoo! The best afternoon cartoon series ever.

Animal Precinct (2001) Because it's nice knowing that the government is employing cops to help REAL animals, too.

The Swan (2004-Present) It's like a train wreck. We can't look away. The Swan proves what people like Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller and Eva Gabor knew all along: genetics are so overrated.

The Muppet Show (1976-1981) Still waiting to get the box set for Christmas.

Man vs. Beast (2003) The special from a couple years ago that pitted humans against animals: baboon vs. sumo wrestler in tug-of-war; eating champ vs. bear in a hot dog eating showdown. Mesmerizing.

The Today Show (1952-present) No matter how poorly Katie Couric conducts interviews, no matter how much of a patronizing smart-ass Matt Lauer becomes, there's something about watching a segment on Southern foods and then hearing from the sister of a convicted murderer that keeps us coming back for more.

SportsCentury (1999-present) Hour-long biographies on everyone from Michael Jordan to the benchwarmer on my high school basketball team. No matter who it is, I can't turn it off.

The A-Team (1983-87) Again, Mr. T is awesome!

Starsky & Hutch (1975-79) Hipper-than-thou '70s cops with no use for the United States Constitution.

Miami Vice (1984-1989) Tell us you didn't own a white cotton blazer and at least one pastel T-shirt in the '80s. Liar.

The Dukes of Hazzard (1979-1985) Reveled in its own dumbness. And then there's Daisy Duke's Daisy Dukes.

Project Runway (2004-present) Manhood-questioning reality TV at its finest.

Strange Love (2005) FLA-VA FLAAAV!!!!!

The Bachelor (2002-present) Regardless of whether or not the "happy" couple stays together, the emotional roller coaster is wonderful to witness while it lasts – and especially when it crashes and burns.

The Wild Wild West (1965-69) Before he got lumpy and pugnacious, Robert Conrad was sleek. Those buns, that chest, that over-decorated caboose. Will Smith just didn't cut it in the movie sequel to this over-the-top '60s sci-fi Western; Conrad was James West once and for all, and forever the secret lust object of a generation of gay teenagers.

The O'Reilly Factor (1996-present) Nothing says "goodnight" like the feeling of your own blood boiling.

Supermarket Sweep (1965-67; 1990-2003) There's nothing more exciting than watching people grocery shop with five grand.

90210 reruns on FX (1990-2000) Still better than The OC – Ian Zehring in a one-man Broadway musical would be better than The OC.

Melrose Place (1992-1999) They were young, cool and all Caucasian (except for that one sistah who got booted after the first season). It was Gen X's version of Dallas or Knots Landing, but with better hair, less sequins and characters you actually wanted to sleep with. And Heather Locklear, you work those micro-mini skirts, girlfriend!

Real World Philadelphia (2004-05) Was it the appeal of Olde Philadelphia's cobblestone streets and historic buildings? Helpless fascination with the impossibly shallow cast? Or just the fact that Landon couldn't keep his clothes on? (Oh, look, he's on Road Rules/Real World Fiery Fight to the Death at Club Med! We won't, we shouldn't … we must watch it now!)

Full House (1987-1995) We can't even explain our way out of this one, so why even try? But if we had known what paparazzi magnets Mary Kate and Ashley would become, we night have reconsidered. Those two disgustingly rich little bitches can go away any time now.

Fear Factor (2001-Present) It's in syndication now. Evidently stupidity is not a factor for us.

TIVO et al Digital video recorders – so easy, so quick, so indicative that yes, you are enslaved to your television and there's no escape.

This article appears in May 12-18, 2005.