ALASKAN PIPELINE SHUTDOWN, PART 1
BP blames corrosion; Bush suspects Islamofascist caribou. (Aug. 9)
MADONNA PULLS GROIN AT THE GRAMMYS
Shockingly, it was her own. (March 1)
TIME PUBLISHES INTERROGATION OF "20TH HIJACKER"
Military: "alqaidasezwhat?"
Suspect: "What??" (March 8)
DUBAI PORTS WORLD
Now that we ran the Arabs out, we must return our ports to the only Americans who can operate them properly — the Mob. (March 15)
ARMOROFGODPJS.COM
Our Lady of Blessed Fire-Retardant Sleepwear, don't fail us now. (Sept. 6)
THE BANK CLOSES
Rousing, heartfelt speech by George Bailey too little, too late for St. Pete nightclub. (June 21)
WARREN BUFFETT TO DONATE MOST OF HIS FORTUNE TO WORTHY CAUSES
Send that: C/O The Weekly Planet, 810 N. Howard Ave. … (June 28)
CINDY SHEEHAN LAND DEAL
She buys five acres in Crawford with proceeds of son's insurance policy. Announces mixed-use upscale retail project with exclusive townhome condos. Starting in the $400s. (Aug. 2)
REGIONAL TRANSIT FIX
Planners refuse to rule out "robotically piloted taxis like in that movie where Schwarzenegger goes to Mars." (Aug. 30)
"SCREAM" RECOVERED
Munch's masterpiece found after police tracked the suspects with dogs trained to detect existential dread. (Sept. 9)
IRAQ WAR WON!
Gen. Pelosi leads impromptu offensive on Fallujah during fact-finding mission, bringing insurgency to its knees.
BUCS BLOW DRAFT PICK
Third overall and we take a backup punter from Northern Colorado?
SCIENTISTS REVISE HURRICANE PREDICTION
"Given that we've had 20 and it is only July 21, we're revising our guesstimate upward and moving to Canada."
BRITNEY, KID ROCK WED — AGAIN
The star couple reconcile after Britney forgives Kid for eating her child after a night of heavy drinking.
THAT'S HOW IT ENDS?!?
Tony quits his job to go back to school for a master's degree, Silvio moves to Des Moines to open a Hard Rock Café franchise, Christopher dies of an accidental overdose, Dr. Melfi's license is suspended for overprescribing placebos, and Carmela finishes her dream house — just as the market tanks.
TRUSTEES APPROVE LATEST TAMPA MUSEUM LOCATION
Once Riverwalk location was deemed unsuitable because of soil conditions, the only logical choice was inside of the old Tampa Museum of Art.
SPRAWLWAY PLANS DELAYED
Road planners explain that cross-plotting the land ownership of important lobbyists and financial supporters to ensure that the road increases the value of their property has taken more time than anticipated.
NEWSPAPER CIRC DROPS
We said it in 2006, and we'll say it again in 2007: Try sex ads, they work.
KATHERINE HARRIS ON HANNITY & COLMES
The Rev. Harris tries to explain the "anonymous" $10 million contribution to her startup evangelical Widow's Mite Church of Sarasota and why staff turnover is so high. Shakes boobies during sermons.
ST. PETE NEIGHBORHOODS HAPPY
They celebrate after (former) Mayor Rick Baker signs over final documents transferring the city to the Council of Neighborhood Associations.
This article appears in Dec 27, 2006 – Jan 2, 2007.