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I am a horrible, horrible human being. Yet again I forgot to send my older (and more prone to violence) brother a card for his birthday. You'd think I'd learn after so many beatings. Of course, he may have beaten me retarded. Flip a coin. "But wait!" you say. "Send an e-card to escape a thunderous beat down!" Pfah. Cutesy, saccharine-coated, diabetes-inducing crap, that's what passes for an e-card these days. But I needed something. What I found was a site where mirth and merriment abound. That is, if your definition of mirth is "pissing off your friends" and merriment actually means, "laughing at the expense of others." Lacking anything even remotely resembling a self-preservation instinct, Webster's was promptly tossed as I dove into Slygreetings.com. Simply fill in someone's name and e-mail addy to send them a variety of irritating, albeit harmless, pranks. I chose Who's Annoying Me? where your victim gets caught in a barrage of those damn pop up "OK" dialog boxes. Granted, Slygreeting.com has them installed on their main site (going from page to page produces one that leads to a pop-up ad). Pure Suck. Not suck is how you will receive e-mail updates on the progress of your chosen sap; this way you can doubly laugh at his or her expense. If you prefer not to risk a royal ass whupin', feel free to create an e-card under the Pictures section. Lots of goofy images to choose from, which you can personalize to suit your tastes. And no ponies or flowers or any of that sappy crud. Manly pictures, like rodeo stuff and more monkeys and ... well, just go look. And I would like to add that my brother is really not violent. No, really, he's not. He's a kitten. Dude, put the pipe down, I was friggin' kidding.

—Patrick J. Graney

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