BEST PLACE TO GET DRUNK
Coyote Ugly Saloon
Holy crap, bub. I never saw the movie. Seemed like too much of a chick flick (I leave those for Cyclops). So when I was standing at the bar and some biker mama tells me to order her a water, I figure, "What? You're too drunk to ask these hotties yourself." Then I figure "Sure. Why not?" This place was the most fun I've ever had gettin' smashed. The music was great. The drinks weren't cut. And the ladies … thanks for just being you. I'd swear one of 'em was one o' them Jean Grey clones. I'd go back every weekend, but I think seeing me once every six months is enough for them.
Coyote Ugly, 1722 E. Seventh Ave., Ybor City, 813-228-UGLY or www.coyoteuglysaloon.com/tampa.
BEST PLACE FOR ASIAN FOOD
China 1
Best Chinese south of Canal Street. I've eaten in just about every Asian place in Tampa, and there are fancy places and good buffets. But none of the great Chinese restaurants in New York City are fancy buffets. They're little, subterranean places, where you wait for a waiter to bring you food, instead of waiting for the slob in front of you to put the tongs down in the wrong spot and finish testin' the sneeze guard. China 1 is mainly takeout. So take some out. Take it down to Ballast Point Park, the amphitheater downtown, the USF lawn or your house, and skip the screaming kids at the table next to ya (whose parent's I wish I could play "pick a knuckle" with). They've got the best fried wontons in Tampa. They're fast, friendly and you get free stuff with most orders.
China 1, 14926 N. Dale Mabry, Tampa, 813-269-7778 or www.chinafuji.com.
BEST PLACE FOR ALL-AROUND GOOD EATS
Logan's Roadhouse
Cuts through the fancy mess of Bay area steak houses like an adamantium claw through perfectly tenderized rare meat. Try some honey butter on your rolls. And the only salmon better than theirs is the stuff I got in Neah Bay last November.
Logan's Roadhouse, 9218 Anderson Road, Tampa, 813-884-5229.
BEST PLACE TO SHOOT PEOPLE
Orbital Paintball
Good prices. Nice fields. The refs aren't pricks with Gunnery Sgt. Hartman complexes like those at other places. The game'd go a lot faster if I was able to use blades. Ah, well…
Orbital Paintball is located 7 miles north of I-4 on U.S. 301 in Thonotosassa, 813-789-8159 or www.orbitalpb.com.
BEST PLACE TO SHOOT GUNS
Shooting Sports Incorporated
When you've just gotta feel the kick of a .44 Ruger Super Red Hawk. Or the smell of gunpowder so strong you can taste it. Or yer just in one o' those pesky "Weapon X" moods. But you don't want to deal with cleaning it all up or some old, bald, wheelchair jockey given' ya the ultimate guilt trip? Hit this range. Clean. Safe. Professional. Good prices.
Shooting Sports Incorporated, 7811 N. Dale Mabry, Tampa, 813-933-3000.
BEST PLACE TO SHOOT POOL
Fatso's
I like to go to pool halls where I recognize most everyone and nobody pays me no never mind. A place where the waitresses are cute and courteous (no matter how busy). Where I can bum a smoke without some frat boy acting like I should be standing on the corner with a "will play for cigars" sign. The jukebox plays good tunes, the beer is cold and the food hot. And I ain't gotta worry about "cuttin' in" just to get a table.
Fatso's Billiards, 1010 E. Busch Blvd., Tampa, 813-931-9792.
BEST PLACE TO CATCH A FLICK
Regal Channelside Imax
Comfy seats. Huge screen. Clean theater. Superhero- and mutant-friendly events. You can find me and the rest of the team here just about every other month. Plus you can get something to nosh at Channelside's restaurants.
Regal Channelside Imax, 615 Channelside Drive, Tampa, 813-221-0006.
This article appears in Sep 25 – Oct 1, 2003.