A spectre is haunting America: Chaos.

Too long have we been organized. The nation is far too efficient. Things get done, and that's just not acceptable.

Man has not evolved to be regimented. No, indeedy. We were blueprinted to the free, unrestrained, irresponsible.

Despite some recent encouraging signs — for example, the ascendancy of anarchy and the overthrow of organized democracy by George Bush in the 2000 elections — Americans remain shackled by hierarchy and the compulsion to reduce everything to organizational charts and spreadsheets.

This must end.

We, the spiritual descendants of Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti, have long been engaged in removing the jackboot (even though it's Gucci) of order from our necks. We stand for chaos, for anarchy. This is our manifesto.

Organization. Every successful revolution is organized, even those that seek to topple organization once and for all times. Thus, our revolutionary cadre is organized into Brigades, Battalions, Regiments, Troops, Dens, Pods, Sewing Circles and Singing, Drumming and Drinking Societies.

Leaders. We are opposed to all leaders. All decisions must be from the bottom up. The only exception is the Ultra High Supreme Council (UHSC). This is composed of us — and only we know who us is (or are, as the case may be). We meet nightly in our revolutionary stronghold, which for some chaotic, anarchistic accident is located at the Mons Venus. All actions not specifically required by the UHSC are prohibited, thus providing Perfect Freedom for our followers, er, comrades.

Goals. We seek to abolish all forms of organization, replacing them with People's Syndicates that will organize all work and fun. The syndicates will be responsible only to themselves, other than the 25 percent of everything they have that must be forwarded to the UHSC. The only forms of organization allowed in our Utopia will be to distribute alcohol, drugs and sex toys; there are some things you can't risk messing with.

Laws. All laws will be abolished. However, if you piss off the UHSC, you will be shot.

Miscellaneous. Due to the total inability of Microsoft to produce an operating system that doesn't crash at least five times a day, Windows will be our model for creating chaos.

—John F. Sugg

Minister of Truth

UHSC

This article appears in May 17-24, 2001.