In a dusty bar somewhere between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers and slightly differing planes of reality, the clock's minute and hour hands met at the top, closing out Tuesday for good. Jesus confirmed the time, shook his shaggy head and laughed.
"You were right. Man, I thought I had that one sewn up," he said, smiling, and bought Confucius the beer that was owed.
The Tampa Bay Lightning missed their opportunity to cut short the Eastern Conference Finals, losing to the New York Rangers 7-3 and forcing a Game 7 in NYC. The brutal ballet continues — just as planned. C'mon, wake up, folks. THE LIZARD PEOPLE ARE IN CHARGE.
A day after Marco Rubio appointed him to the Florida Federal Judicial Nominating Commission, Hillsborough Republican mover-and-shaker Sam Rashid had to formally decline the extremely prestigious political knighting — because of a Facebook rant in which he referred to three Hillsborough County Circuit Court judges as "dumbasses." Which, of course, should inspire yet another exciting-yet-predictable round of Really, Who's The Dumbass Here?
Looks like cable company Charter Communications is moving forward with the acquisition of Time Warner as well as Bright House. The Bright House deal is for $10.4 billion, which means soon its customers will be able to enjoy all the cutting-edge technology that accompanies used modems from 2011.
New Enterprise Florida, Inc. head Bill Johnson defended government incentives to bring new business to the state (also known as "corporate welfare," which, well, derf) while announcing he's looking for $5 million in state money. He then left the meeting in a limo festooned with a Bass Pro Shops full-vehicle wrap. No, just kidding. That's a joke. State business incentives are not a joke — they're a travesty, they're the absolute worst way to build a vibrant, organically growing economy and they're killing Florida's once-thriving bagman industry.
And finally, in not-so-local news, New York City's Housing Authority is making its workers wear bright yellow vests when working in public housing, in the hope this will keep them from being accidentally shot by trigger-happy NYPD patrol officers while toiling in elevators and dark stairwells. So yeah, you have to work for the city for the city to help you not get accidentally shot in certain parts of the city. Progress!
This article appears in May 21-27, 2015.