Shh! Listen. You hear that? It's the welcome deafening silence of Jets and Bears fans that have quite literally defined noise pollution in our local sports bars for the past month and littered our streets displaying their ignorant and stubbornly weak front-running attitude. You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a fatter version of Chris Farley or a greasier version of the Situation sporting a logo loud and proud like it was a PhD.

Speaking of douchebags, the Tampa Bay area needs to hold their noses a skosh longer while the remaining moronic satellite Steeler scumbags brag about a team representing a city they've never been to a thousand miles away.

This just in: Tampa International has daily direct flights to New York, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Delta is ready when you are. Until that glorious day, those teams have nothing to do with you. Nothing. You're like that guy at the bar who went home alone as usual to furiously masturbate but still somehow managed to brag to the fellas at the office the next day about some other random stranger hooking up with a super-model.

"How about that dude getting laid? I'm a huge fan. We rule. High-5!"

Needless to say, I'm picking the Packers as I have all post-season because they have the slightly more complete team, their quarterback doesn't walk around bars wagging his wang and the fans are, by and large, pretty civil with their success. But if I see one cheesehead with a Favre jersey, I will vomit with rage. I still can't believe he's playing with the Dolphins next year, can you? Okay he's not, but the fact that you totally believed me even for a split second is proof that the guy is a whore.

Speaking of whores, Tampa Bay Storm coach Tim Marcum is under investigation for having pictures on his work computer of "women having intercourse" as well as racist material. Holy dogshit! Porn and truly tasteless jokes on a computer? Thank God I work at home (I hate wearing pants).

Now that's a terrible towel. During Florida's double overtime win over Georgia Tuesday night, Gator Vernon Maklin celebrated a big basket from the bench by whipping his towel around just as teammate Chandler Parsons was running back down court, snapping him perfectly in the nuts. Predictably, Parsons collapsed like a wet sack of potatoes and a timeout was called until he could collect his throbbing balls and limp off the court. He eventually came back to play and appeared to be fine, aside from sounding like Mariah Carey caught in a bear-trap.

Quicker Hits: Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reported to the team's practice facility Tuesday, even though his season is over, because he didn't know what else to do with himself (Think Broadway Joe ever had that problem, Mark? Pansy. These kids today);  Chad Ochocinco told suicidally-bored reporters he'll change his name back to Chad Johnson (no word on whether the team plans on changing to the Cincinnati Suck); Finally, Seahawk QB Matt Hasselbeck and Jets DB Antonio Cromartie had a Twitter tiff about the CBA that began when Matt questioned whether Cromartie knew what CBA meant, then deleted it. His response? "hey Matt if u have something to then say it be a man about it. Don't erase it. I will smash ur face in." I don't know what's worse, Cromartie murdering the English language, his Junior High threat of violence, or Hasselbeck's apology which actually included "LOL". Whatever they're paying these mental giants, it's not enough. WTF.

This article appears in Jan 27 – Feb 2, 2011.