‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ is an interminable, scare-free bore wholly focused on selling merch

When people say "gateway horror," what immediately comes to mind?

For me, gateway horror represents a genre of scary movies that are age-appropriate for younger audiences, but still solid, often classic, films in their own right.

It’s not a long list, but it’s distinguished, and includes “The Monster Squad,” “The Gate,” “Gremlins,” “Ghostbusters,” “Night of the Comet” and “Beetlejuice.”

A lot of people will champion “Five Nights at Freddy’s” as the latest member of that esteemed gateway horror club. I implore you, do not jump on this bandwagon.

“Five Nights at Freddy’s” is not a good movie. In fact, there are long stretches where you forget you’re watching a story about giant, killer animatronic animal characters.

In fact, there’s not even a proper introduction of the “Five Nights” characters, other than a quick run-through of their names: Freddy Fazbear, Chica, Bonnie, Foxy and Carl the Cupcake.

There’s a little bit of exposition about how these demented Chuck E. Cheese rejects are able to come to life, and it’s a pitch-black explanation that involves kidnapped and murdered children.

One of those children is Garrett, the younger brother of Mike (Josh Hutcherson), who was kidnapped during a family camping trip, an event that Mike tortures himself about.

Once Mike gets a job working overnight security at the long-defunct Freddy Fazbear’s pizza parlor, he starts to believe that his brother’s ghost might be possessing one of the animatronics.

One might think such heavy subject material might give “Five Nights at Freddy’s” a sharper edge. One would be wrong.

It’s clear that no one involved on the creative side ever reached consensus about what kind of movie they wanted to make, including co-writer/director Emma Tammi, who previously helmed the decidedly more intense and fully formed supernatural thriller, “The Wind.”

There are also some gaping plot holes that cannot be ignored.

One of those plot holes revolves around Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail), a police officer whose beat includes the now-shuttered pizza restaurant. Vanessa’s backstory isn’t explained until the very end, but that won’t stop you from asking logical questions about how she’s able to spend all night hanging out with Mike making pillow forts at his job instead of, you know, patrolling the streets.

“Five Nights at Freddy’s” also exists in a gray area, meaning there’s never any indication of where the story is taking place. Vanessa’s uniform and patrol cruiser just says ‘Police’ without any specific department name.

If there is one thing to champion here, it's that the animatronic characters courtesy of Jim Henson's Creature Shop are fantastically realized. If only they had more opportunity to shine.

But, by the end of “Five Nights,” when you realize these animatronics might be more akin to Walter White, meaning they’re mostly not-so-bad anti-heroes instead of true villains, it’s clear that the marketing department held significant sway over the production.

After all, it’s probably easier to sell children a toy based on a sometimes-scary bear that only kills bad people rather than a terrifying, sociopathic bear that devours adults and toddlers alike.

And that’s why this movie exists—to sell a lot of merchandise and make a shit-ton of money.

I’m fully prepared to face the wrath of the FNAF faithful, most of whom won’t care about narrative cohesion, fully-formed ideas, intelligent dialogue, etc.

To them, and to you, I will only say this: If you want to watch an actual good movie about giant, killer animatronic animal characters, go rent “Willy’s Wonderland,” the 2021 gory, gonzo classic starring Nicolas Cage, which beat “Five Nights” to the punch by two years.

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