The Host is the latest film adaptation of a novel by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer, which is like noting some new disease is a mutation of the same virus that gives us the Flu. Meyer’s work is for fans only, and she’s been much maligned by critics and haters. After watching The Host, I can confidently say that it’s an even worse love story than Twilight.

For those just getting up to speed, The Host is, like Meyer’s previous work, a love story with a twist. Earth has been invaded by an alien race that travels from planet to planet possessing the indigenous life. Unlike other alien invasions, this possession is fairly benign as the aliens are all extremely considerate, ending war and even restoring the environment to its previous splendor. Perhaps these grand improvements are how they justify their one misdeed — the theft of human bodies and free will.

In the midst of this rather polite body-snatching, Melanie Stryder (Saoirse Ronan) meets Jared Howe (Max Irons) and they fall in love while avoiding the “seekers” sent to take over the remaining humans. As the stars would have it, however, Melanie is captured and inhabited by a spirit known as Wanderer. Unlike many hosts, however, Melanie doesn’t just die away. Her consciousness survives and will do anything to prevent Wanderer from using her memories to lead the Seekers, including one (Diane Kruger) obsessed with finding the resistance, to her family.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start.

Although I haven’t read the novel, I’ve heard about it. One friend, on learning about the movie, noted the book’s reliance on internal dialogue and wondered how it would translate to the screen. The filmmakers go with the most obvious strategy — voice over. Perhaps this was the only viable option for conveying the internal struggle between Melanie and Wanderer; it would have been a mean feat for any director or actor to convey such conflict (and sometimes humor) without it. That said, the narration results in a lot of telling rather than showing. Of course, the completely inept script, which features stilted dialogue and a total lack of meaningful character development, isn’t much help either.

As for the personal relationships in the film, it wouldn’t be a story by Stephenie Meyer without some sort of love triangle. Eventually Melanie/Wanderer finds her family, who are suspicious by Mel’s bright blues eyes (the mark alien possession). After a period of distrust marked by multiple attempts on her life, Melanie/Wanderer wins them over, not only rekindling some shadow of a relationship with Jared, but sparking a new one between Wanderer and another survivor, Ian. Seriously, besides the fact that there’s no demonstrated basis for the romances other than the end of the world and lack of options, there’s literally a whole scene orchestrated for Melanie/Wanderer to make out with both the guys back to back.

As for the “girls” (Or was Wanderer genderless prior to being placed within Melanie? Don’t even get me started …), one of the final scenes suggests they have grown close over their time occupying the same body, despite the fact that up until that point they’re interactions consisted mostly of bickering.

On a related note, I’m not entirely sure who the main character is: Melanie or Wanderer? I would think Melanie, considering she is the titular host, but Wanderer — a blob of shiny, effervescent spaghetti in her true form — had the most development as a character.

Ultimately, The Host is lacking in so many ways I can’t even detail them all here. There was little to no back story for any of the characters, the details of the invasion and aliens leave much to be desired, and frankly the story itself is just plain boring. The writing is so clumsy that even when a dramatic moment does arise, like two member of the resistance killing themselves rather than be taken, I just didn’t care. The actors did little to help the situation. Though Ronan’s performance is the clear standout, even her talents couldn’t distract from the cheesy dialogue and poorly crafted characters.

I can’t comment on whether or not the film is faithful to the book, and thus I can’t really say whether fans will enjoy it or not. For all I know the book is just as bad, and yet fans still love it. Not having read the book, however, I didn’t really have any expectations for the movie. Sure, the fact it’s based on something written by Stephenie Meyer didn’t exactly bode well for my reaction to it, but the trailer and concept intrigued me. After seeing The Host I can safely say that anyone interested in an exciting, well-crafted story should avoid this movie at all costs.