Photo via Warner Bros. Pictures and DC Comics
Jason Momoa returns as Arthur Curry, aka the fish whisperer, in 'Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom,' which is even worse of a movie than you can possibly imagine.
If 2023 is indeed meant to be the year that marks the officially jumping of the shark, the unequivocal shitting in the pool, so to speak, “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom” will stand tall as the epitome of everything that went wrong with the genre.
For starters, this second helping of the fish whisperer, following his first solo outing in 2018, which inexplicably grossed more than $1.1 billion worldwide, is hands down the worst movie of the year.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom
0 out of 5 stars
Now Playing
0 out of 5 stars
Now Playing
And yes, that means it sucks more than “Five Nights at Freddy’s,” “Fast X,” “Haunted Mansion,” “The Flash,” “The Iron Claw” and even “The Exorcist: Believer.”
It’s so bad, I want to start an online campaign to rename its star Jason NO-moa because between “Fast X” and this abomination, the big burly dude is batting below zero and needs to take a break.
Seriously, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to turn Aquaman in a dude bro? Do we really need to spend time with a guy whose Spicoli stupid stoner schtick barely conceals his toxic masculinity; who abdicates his duty as king of Atlantis and sleeps through meetings, like a total tool; who drinks beer all day and all night long, while caring for a newborn; who never mentions his wife until she gets attacked, which prompts him to proclaim, “He came after my wife, which means I’m going to pull his tongue out his butt.”
No, really, that’s his big bombast of a rallying cry.
William Wallace, clearly, he ain’t.
This is a movie that’s being distributed in 3D with a marketing campaign that leans hard into comparisons with the exceptional 3D renderings of “Avatar,” which is a bunch of malarkey and whoever came up with that pitch should be drawn and quartered.
There is no reason other than corporate greed that “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom” should be released in 3D. It does nothing to enhance anything and only serves to inflate ticket prices.
This is a movie that made me check my watch after 70 minutes because I expected it to have been at least 120 minutes because this film is such an interminable ass blister to sit through.
This is also the first time that I’ve ever been drubbed into a narcoleptic coma by a never-ending churn of underwater CGI fight sequences.
I’m not kidding. I literally lost 45 minutes at one point and I have no idea what happened on screen during that time but I can tell you that it didn’t matter because when I shook out of my haze the same fucking inscrutable fight sequence was still ongoing.
This is a movie that my 12-year-old niece asked to accompany me to go see, in part, because she hoped to catch a glimpse of Jason NO-moa shirtless with his abs rippling in the sun, and she was denied!?! That's right, "Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom" isn't even smart enough to try and distract its audience by keeping the big burly dude half-naked.
Maybe it’s fitting that “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom” exists, if only because its very existence might mean studio executives stop and finally take the temperature of the room. Clearly, the superhero genre has fallen well short of its zenith in 2019 with “Avengers: Endgame.”
I would argue, however, that not all superhero/comic book movies are garbage. “Ant-Man,” “Guardians of the Galaxy,” and “The Marvels” all delivered solid stories and fun action, regardless of their box office receipts; but even the MCU isn’t immune from such headaches, given its recent saga surrounding the “Kang Dynasty” storyline and its now-removed star, Jonathan Majors.
And, while there is hope that DC as a film company can right its ship and turn around its fortunes now that there are new stewards to help chart a different course, that’s a long way off from seeming like a safe bet.
Whatever your feelings are about this genre, at least hopefully we can all agree that, if nothing else, a steaming pile of fish poop like “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom” proves that not every comic book character needs their own stand-alone feature and very few actually deserve a sequel.
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