Dear Love,
I texted this guy I’ve been seeing, “that was a dick comment.” My girlfriends say I did the wrong thing, but did I? First of all, it was a dick thing to say. This was a couple of days ago, when I was going out to see him at his new boat. I asked for more directions, and he texted back with some snide thing about Google maps. WTF? His boat isn't on Google maps. But also, shouldn't he be trying to entice me to visit? We've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. When I did make it out to his boat, I gave him a little present, and he wasn't even all that nice about it. I mean, at least he could lie and then throw it out after I leave. I tried to bring it up again today when he asked me about something and I texted back, "Don't you have Google?" But I don't think he got it. But I'm not sure, because usually I get a bunch of texts from him all day, and now nothing. He's a real alpha kind of guy, just the kind of guy I like. And that's the thing, isn't it better to be strong? Don't men marry bitches? I don't want him to think I'm a pushover. Did I blow it? Can I fix this or do I need to start over? Again. Ugh.
Wondering, Cut Bait and Run
Dear Cut Bait and Run,
There's a LOT to unpack here. To answer what is, I think, your big question, "Do men marry bitches or what?" I can offer you a resounding... sometimes? All I have to offer as proof is me. The behavior you're describing, however, is less "bitch" than "pissed," and this, my dear seeker along the road to happily ever after, is worthy of your attention.
First and foremost, you are not alone. There's so much to be mad about right now. Just this month, two new books came out describing the female anger phenomenon — Rebecca Traister’s Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger, and Soraya Chemaly’s Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger. Both discuss how women’s anger has been suppressed, sublimated, and/or used against them. In men, it's to be expected, a forgivable impulse. In women, it's cause for punishment. There's even a podcast dedicated to our collective wrath called FURY, which bills itself as "a podcast in which women give language to their rage." And, full disclosure, I am a participant in this project. All of which is to say, you'd hardly be human if you weren't. Let yourself feel it in all its glory.
That said, however, there's something else worth taking a look at. This is not to shift blame from people behaving badly, this is to put power in the only hands that can solve your dilemma — your own. And it's this: I think you need to acknowledge more precisely what you're angry about in this case. Here's why I say that.
I do agree, for him to text suggesting you look at Google maps seems pretty shitty. But that's an assumption, couched very much in my reading of your interpretation of the original message. Even if it's verbatim, this guy might have been making a joke meaning, "Call me, silly!" When in doubt about what someone else is saying, it's much better to ask questions than to make statements. There's nowhere to go from "that was a dick comment." Except, "Was not!" Now you're back on the playground. I'm not suggesting you overlook something you don't like, either. But it's entirely possible that you're assuming something worse than he intended.
As a sensitive person myself, had I gotten that same message after asking for directions, I would've had to straighten that out ASAP by calling. It's not something I could let slide. I would've gone for the light touch by calling and asking something like, "Are you kidding me with the maps? Don't you know I'm an internet ninja?" If he was being a jerk but owned up to it, as in, "I can't believe I wrote such a stupid response, I'm sorry," I'd be on the lookout for a tendency toward meanness. I won't tolerate that, life's hard enough. So, for me, if he wasn't joking, if he said something like, "I just hate it when people ask me about things they can look up," I would've turned around and driven back from whence I'd come. Sarcasm is terrible on text, so it's important to remember that this goes both ways.
The bigger challenge for you, dear Cut, is that days later you were yet smarting from that Google maps comment, so much so you brought it up and laid it back at his feet. This is what we call scorekeeping and it is not conducive to a healthy or happy love life.
Would you rather be right or happy?
Anonymous
Look, this is not a clarion call to "just deal." Far from it. Instead, you would benefit from getting clearer about what it is you're reacting to. I do understand how that map comment stoked your temper, but if you want to get past what sounds like a pattern, you need to get underneath that reaction. Anger happens when our needs aren't being needs met. What you needed in that moment was help, and you felt criticized for having that need. But if you never tell anyone what your needs are, those needs will continue to go unmet, and you will stay stuck.
Here's the real dirty little secret: More than denial of anger, women are taught to need nothing. It's as if even expressing needs is a form of neediness. How dare we? The truth, however, is that all humans have needs. They've even been identified by economist Manfred max-Neef as subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity, and freedom. But who remembers lists? Especially when your back's against a wall and every unmet need is screaming, SAY WHAT YOU REALLY THINK. Just try to identify if what you're feeling is universal. Then it's a need worth expressing. Not, "I need a haircut." More like, "I need to feel connected and cared for."
When I first met the man I'm now married to, he made a dick comment. This went against my need for a mutually supportive relationship. Instead of reacting and putting him on his heels, I told him that what he said hurt my feelings, and I didn't like sarcasm as a way of communicating because it erodes intimacy.
"I grew up with that," I said. "I'm not interested in recreating that in my adult life." Mind you, we'd only met like a half hour earlier, so I thought that our date was over. At first he looked taken aback but then said — in a way that seemed like he was surprising himself — that he didn't want that either. And so, the date continued.
Even if you things don't work out with this one, or the next, I guarantee that by understanding and seeing to your needs, you will feel better at all times. You deserve it.
Love, Confidential
