Dear Love, Would you tell someone newly married that her husband was having an affair (with someone I know) before and after their marriage? Looking at their wedding photos makes me sad. What else could this man be hiding from her? At the same time it could end this marriage and cause a lot of pain.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The straight-up truth is, I don't have enough information to answer this question. But I have an answer to pretty much all the scenarios I can imagine. Let's deal with the most obvious first — you're the one involved with the husband.
The best you could hope for from outing the cheating spouse would be to force a breakup. Do you really want this guy as your prize? If you are trying to nudge him and you're this frustrated at his response, you better buckle up because he is just getting started and this is exactly what you can expect for the rest of your life. Or until you discover he's cheating on you. My advice is to say nothing and move on. It's not your fault this marriage isn't working. And I know, the only thing harder than being in a relationship that's not giving you what you need is ending that relationship. But the hard truth is, you have nothing to lose by cutting him loose.
She may not believe you. She may be suspicious of you. And you may lose the friendship. But how close can you be with someone that you're keeping a huge secret from?
Likewise, you could be friends with the "other" woman here. You discount her, which is legit in some ways. As I said above, it's not the fault of the person not in the marriage that the marriage isn't working. But if you are friends with her and this affair is bothering you so much, why wouldn't you ask her about it? Why does it seem more appropriate to go to the bride?
OK, that's a trick question. Judging your friend like that is weird, right? What would you say? Would you admonish her? Obviously, she's aware that the marriage has taken place. Is she not OK with that? Has she been moping constantly since the big day? If not, then all you can do is back off. Or are you — god forbid — hoping to help a sister out? If so, please refer back to the previous paragraph. Think instead about setting her up on a date. You aren't helping.
Now it starts to get more juicy.
Maybe you're better friends with the bride, and it truly is her welfare that concerns you, though it seems you're more disappointed by her social media feed. I hate to break it to you, but, people front on social media. The only way to know what's going on with a friend is to actually speak to them. Texting and messaging won't cut it.
Which leads to the scenario where you are, in fact, hanging out with the bride and looking at those pictures. In that case, it's downright shitty not to speak up and tell her what you know. This is not a slam dunk.
She may not believe you. She may be suspicious of you. And you may lose the friendship. But how close can you be with someone that you're keeping a huge secret from?
Still, there is another angle. Have you considered the possibility that theirs is an open marriage? Maybe the bride is down with what's happening. Maybe part of the thrill is not telling their partners (your friend, or at least, the person involved with the groom) that it's all ok. How would you feel to know that? If it's anything other than relieved, check your motives.
You might consider looking at your friendship skills. Friendships are vital to long and happy lives. Or, as C.S. Lewis once said, "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."
You may have noticed I didn't address the "what other things," or that your revelation could "cause a lot of pain." It's pointless to worry about what else this guy might be hiding. That's just creating drama. As for pain, the closest thing to a pain-free solution is that there's no actual cheating happening, and you don't know your friend all that well. That's not exactly a win for you, except that you have the opportunity to take this information to heart.
Love, Confidential
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This article appears in Aug 15-22, 2019.