May the power of Christ compel you to avoid ‘The Exorcist: Believer’ at all costs

I did a thing, dear readers, only I did it in reverse, which actually turned out to be exactly the right order.

First, I went to see “The Exorcist: Believer.” Then, I went home and finally watched 1973’s “The Exorcist” in its entirety, which I had never done before.

I know, right? Revoke my horror card. Stat!

One of them is an absolute classic. The other is a steaming turd.

Frankly, I am genuinely shocked that in the past 50 years no one, not a single solitary soul, has figured out a better way to depict an exorcism than William Friedkin.

It is quite confounding, honestly, to recognize that almost every single demonic possession/exorcism flick that has been made since “The Exorcist” has blatantly stolen verbatim moments from “The Exorcist” without finding a more creative way to portray the fight against ultimate evil.

That’s not to say that some of the literal dozens and dozens and dozens of possession/exorcism flicks released since 1973 aren’t entertaining. There are a few, for sure, including 1990’s “The Exorcist III,” which remains the second best “Exorcist” film ever made.

I actually just watched “The Pope’s Exorcist” this past weekend, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m actually excited that there’s a sequel being developed. I thought Russell Crowe did his best Nicolas Cage and single-handedly elevated an otherwise B-grade genre flick into a potential franchise.

If only I was here to review “The Pope’s Exorcist.”

The issues that I have with “The Exorcist: Believer” are legion, but they absolutely start with director/co-writer David Gordon Green, who I’m sure coming off of his “Halloween” trilogy was feeling mighty froggy, hence the leap from one classic franchise to another.

The truth is that Green gave horror fans two-thirds of a respectable trilogy. His “Halloween” was actually stellar and did a fantastic job of creating genuine stakes between Laurie and Michael. His “Halloween Kills” was even better because it delivered one of the craziest body counts in any “Halloween” installment ever. “Halloween Ends” was a major disappointment, but still not without a handful of positive moments.

“The Exorcist: Believer” is “Halloween Ends” without any positive moments.

Simply put, there’s no reason for this movie to exist.

Green focuses on two middle-school-aged girls — Angela, who is Black and being raised by a single father (Leslie Odom Jr.) who is an atheist, and Katherine, who is white and being raised by super-Christian, prosperity gospel parents — but their friendship feels completely false, like it exists simply to propel the plot, which it does when the girls go walking into the woods after school. They make a clumsy attempt at a summoning spell so Angela can talk to her dead mom. And then they’re found three days later, in a barn that’s 30 miles from their school.

It’s hard to knock Green for such a slight setup. In “The Exorcist,” Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) admits to her mom Chris (Ellen Burstyn) that she’s been playing by herself with a Ouija board. That’s the entire connection to the occult.

The problem with “Believer” is what comes next, which is the equivalent of a sped-up sequence of the same events you have witnessed in every possession/exorcism movie since 1973. Angela and Katherine start acting weird, then really weird, then demonic, in very short order.

For reasons that defy logic and threaten her legacy, Burstyn actually returns to the franchise for the first time in 50 years and is promptly treated like absolute garbage by Green and co-writer Peter Sattler. It is unconscionable how they squander what should have been a crowning moment. Burstyn was nominated for a damn Oscar after the first film. She likely may buy every single copy of this stupid movie as soon as it’s released on home video and burn the lot so no one ever sees the terrible fate that befalls Chris MacNeil.

Speaking of which, can we please press pause on this growing trend whereby every fucking character from a beloved franchise gets revisited several decades later solely for nostalgia’s sake. That would be great. Thanks.

I won’t even get into the late-third-act wholly unnecessary cameo that likely is meant as a tease given that Green’s “Believer” is supposed to be the start of a new trilogy. I actually shouted at the screen, and not in excitement.

It would be a crime if David Gordon Green is allowed to make any additional “Exorcist” movies.

If you’re wondering why this movie is called “Believer,” I have to imagine, and this is speculative, that it’s because Green and Sattler decided to bring a religious kitchen sink approach to the third act whereby practitioners from many different doctrines combine forces to try to oust the devil.

Seriously, it’s like watching the live-action equivalent of a bad joke that begins with a Catholic priest, a Christian minister, an evangelical healer, a folk spiritualist, and an atheist walking into an exorcism.

Hokey does not even begin to touch the absurdity of what ends up on screen.

I had a feeling that “The Exorcist: Believer” was going to suck when I went to Halloween Horror Nights this year and was completely underwhelmed by the haunted house tie-in that’s currently one of Universal’s signature attractions for its 32nd installment.

This movie is so bad that it’s actually on par with 1998’s woeful “Psycho” remake and 2010’s even worse “A Nightmare on Elm Street” remake.

May the power of Christ compel you to avoid it at all costs.