Jonah Hex starts off explaining the backstory of the southern general (John Malkovich), who horribly disfigured Jonah's (Josh Brolin) face before forcing him to watch as his family was murdered in front of his eyes. Hex went on to seek vengeance, but the general died in a fire, denying him his just desserts. In need of something to do, Hex took up bounty hunting — which he seems to have a knack for.
After a scene involving a horse with a gatling gun strapped to it (subtle), we learn that not only is the general alive, but he's got a doomsday weapon and plans to overthrow the government. America's only hope is Jonah Hex and his whore (Megan Fox), and the duo leave no dead body unturned in their quest for vengeance.
A consensus is forming that says the 2010 summer movie season will go down as the worst ever, not only financially but also in terms of quality. Jonah Hex only strengthens this argument. Like Wild Wild West before it, Jonah Hex is cheesy, stupid and over the top. While that combo can make for a fun popcorn flick (i.e. The A-Team), this movie ends up trying was too hard to push the formula — wrecking it in the process.
A short list of complaints and grievances:
The action scenes are poorly shot, leaving me puzzled as to who was punching who. And who was doing all that grunting?
The premise is bizarre, with the bad guy using glowing balls to destroy towns, and Jonah Hex being the ONE guy to stop him — because sending in, say, 200 guys would've been silly, I guess.
Hex's only power is that he can talk to the dead, but there are all kinds of crappy rules — like if Hex sprinkles dirt on them, they will stop burning … to death. (You read that correctly.)
Since Hex's past is explained in the opening montage, why must we endure flashback after flashback?
My final gripe with the movie is the sheer lack of interest shown by any of the actors, including the always impressive Malkovich. When the actors don't look like they want to be there, why should the audience?
[image-1]
So, obviously, I truly disliked Jonah Hex, and coming from someone who loves cheesy, action-oriented popcorn flicks and westerns, that's saying something. But I can't leave without saying something good about the movie. I hate it when a critic sits through an hour-and-20-minutes film and not find anything good.
That said, here is my attempt at positivity: Megan Fox, despite her terrible accent and horrible acting, looked pretty good in a corset. Oh, and the movie was only an hour-and-20 minutes, making it the cinematic equivalent of ripping off a band-aid really quickly — it only hurt for a moment.
I went to the theater expecting a movie about a fast-shooting cowboy in the old west who has to protect the newly reunited United States from a southern General long thought dead. The hero would use crazy, over the top weapons and plenty of bullets to eventually save the Union before riding off into the sunset.
Sound familiar?
I'm not talking about Jonah Hex. I'm talking about Wild Wild West, the 1999 blockbuster starring Will Smith that bombed horribly at the box office and was universally panned by critics. (In truth, it wasn't all bad. There were even a few parts I liked.) How could the filmmakers behind comic-adaptation Jonah Hex lift an already-pissed-upon story, sprinkle in Josh Brolin and Transformer reject Megan Fox, and think it was going to work? I'm guessing someone, somewhere thought they could make some money.
Since 1988, CL Tampa Bay has served as the free, independent voice of Tampa Bay, and we want to keep it that way.
Becoming a CL Tampa Bay Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.
