AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS (PG) Yet another remake, although this one sounds more like a vehicle for its star, aging martial artist Jackie Chan. The perks here are class-act English actors Steve Coogan and Jim Broadbent, as well as a slew of exotic foreign locales. The down side is that the movie was directed by Frank Coraci, a sadist who has already ushered two Adam Sandler movies into the world. (Not Reviewed)
BON VOYAGE (PG-13) A grand Gallic farce that offers plenty of glossy amusements, despite being overstuffed with way too many characters doing way too many things. Bon Voyage is pure escapism set against a backdrop of impending war, with an ensemble of movie stars, politicians, scientists, spies, writers, criminals and just-plain Joe's scrambling about pre-WWII France in a plot that involves murder, romance, stolen secrets and more. None of it's meant to be taken too seriously, though, and there's ultimately little in this big, sprawling, handsome production that really sticks to the ribs. Stars Isabelle Adjani, Gerard Depardieu, Virginie Ledoyen and Peter Coyote. 
THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK (PG-13) A sequel of sorts to Pitch Black, in which Vin Diesel's self-serving, intergalactic bad-ass Riddick returns to find himself pitted against the Negromongers, a group of death-worshiping religious warriors going from planet to planet demanding "Convert or Die." Director David Twohy (The Arrival) might be offering up some thinly veiled allusion to the ongoing Islamist problem (or maybe he's just riffing on the Borg), but the movie has New Testament connections too, with Diesel's character eventually being set up as some sort of reluctant Messianic figure. All of this is just window dressing, however, for the movie's incessant action scenes, fights, chases and explosions, not to mention the non-stop digital effects, and sets and costumes directly lifted from David Lynch's Dune. One gets the impression that much of the movie's connective tissue, its actual story, now lies on the cutting-room floor, leaving us with a slightly better-than-average popcorn movie stripped down for the summer. It's a no-brainer that the real show will be the longer director's cut that's sure to eventually emerge on DVD, so consider this an appetizer (at best). Also stars Colm Feore, Judi Dench, Thandie Newton and Alexa Davalos.
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (PG-13) Having built a career on destroying the world (by, among other things, aliens in Independence Day and giant lizards in Godzilla), Roland Emmerich is up to his old tricks again. This time, however, we've only got ourselves to blame, as global warming and an out-of-control greenhouse effect create a new Ice Age, making life very difficult for a courageous scientist (Dennis Quaid) and his dreamboat son (Jake Gyllenhaal), not to mention a couple billion bit players. The movie's first hour is a straightforward eco-disaster movie featuring scads of massively proportioned, apocalyptic imagery. The movie's second half prompts more than its share of unintentional laughter, though, with bland heroics, wooden dialogue and every cliche in the book taking center stage. Also stars Ian Holm, Emmy Rossum and Sela Ward.
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY (PG-13) A little mom 'n' pop gym is about to be taken over by a huge, soulless franchise, so Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughan must play a game of dodgeball to decide the gym's fate. Don't ask. (Not Reviewed)
FAHRENHEIT 9/11 (R) Michael Moore's new movie is indisputably important, but not so much as a film as a phenomenon. (And why not? If terrorist attacks now decide elections in places like Spain, what's so wrong with the idea of a film swaying an American election?). Moore wears his agenda on his sleeve, and most of the points he drums home are already familiar to most of us, regardless of what our politics may be. Still, it's more than a little unnerving to see all those points rattled off in rapid succession, and with such iron-willed eloquence (Moore's movies aren't exactly great cinema, but they sure make effective use of all the tricks of editing, not to mention rhetoric). Yes, we all know the 2000 election was a sham. Yes, we know Bush is a doofus (also lazy, hypocritical and quite possibly pretty mean-spirited). And yes, we know that the Bush clan is wallowing in bed with the Saudi royal family, and that, where our foreign policy is concerned, Arab oil money probably speaks louder than suicide bombers. Still, what is Moore really saying by all this, besides pleading with us to dump Bush posthaste? Much is made of how the government uses paranoia as a tool to control voters, but at the same time Moore seems to be saying that America needs to be better protected. Did we go too far in making war on Afghanistan, according to Moore, or not far enough? And does the filmmaker really believe that cutting loose the Saudi high rollers would lead to anything but a void to be immediately filled by yet another angry Islamic Fundamentalist state in the Middle East? Reading between the lines of the film prompts dozens of questions like these, and none of them are ever really addressed. Still, the movie is glib enough that we barely notice Moore talking out of both sides of his mouth (exactly what he accuses Bush of doing), and it might just be the most effective political advertisement of all time. Faults aside, Fahrenheit 9/11 is a big deal — more passionate and, in its way, more serious than anything Michael Moore has ever attempted, and a movie that deserves to be seen, pondered and carefully debated. 1/2
GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (PG) This kitty's story is better told through the comic strip that made him famous. Garfield (voiced by Bill Murray) must protect his domain after caretaker Jon Arbuckle (Breckin Meyer) brings home his new pal, Odie. After the new dog disappears, it is up to the orange cat to find him and get him home safely. Though the movie has surreal components based on its cartoon animation, too many pop culture references and an abundance of senseless jokes spoil the fantasy of the film. The human cast's acting is cartoonish and unconvincing, seeming purposefully dumbed down so Garfield can hoard the spotlight. Some of the jokes and situations are funny enough to induce a smile, but there are very few scenes that will have the audience roaring with laughter. Allusions to the strip permeate the film, and the star's portrayal is right on target: the fat, lazy cat hates Mondays and loves his lasagna, just as he always has. Also stars Jennifer Love Hewitt. 1/2
—Whitney Meers
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN (PG) Even if Harry Potter hasn't quite come of age in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, it sure looks like the franchise has. Director Alfonso Cuaron (Y Tu Mama Tambien) replaces the reliable but hardly inspirational Chris Columbus this time, giving the new installment a grittier, wittier, more palpably dangerous feel, both in its drama and its comedy. If there's a real flaw here, it's that the movie tends to meander a little too much, teasing us with nuggets of plot and sub-plot that don't gel until the last half-hour of this 135-minute film. These are problems that can be traced right back to the source material, however, and if you're in the camp that thinks of Rowlings as the James Joyce of fantasy, you're unlikely to be bothered by any of this. The new faces here — a veritable who's who of the creme de la creme of British thespianism that includes David Thewlis, Michael Gambon and Gary Oldman — raise Azkaban to even greater heights. Also stars Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint and Alan Rickman.
KILL BILL, VOLUME TWO (R) There's still a goodly amount of blood and guts to be found here, but if KB1 was all form and slick, shocking exteriors, then KB2 often appears to be the inside of the story, the so-called heart. Tarantino's new movie sometimes almost seems to be on the verge of becoming a blood-spattered chick flick about the, uh, complicated relationship between Uma Thurman's retired assassin and her former employer and lover, Bill (David Carradine). In the end, KB2 is more interesting for how it defies expectations than for what it actually achieves, but it's nice to see that Tarantino hasn't completely turned his back on the idea of telling a genuine story peopled by real-live humans with real-live emotions. Also stars Michael Madsen and Darryl Hannah.
MAN ON FIRE (R) Reigning action hero/sensitive guy Denzel Washington and precocious cutie-pie Dakota Fanning star in this Tony Scott-directed thriller about a disillusioned bodyguard who goes ballistic when the child he's sworn to protect is abducted. Also stars Radha Mitchell. (Not Reviewed)
THE NOTEBOOK (PG-13) Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (the head mean girl from Mean Girls) star as star-crossed lovers in this slow-moving, sticky-sweet, cliche-ridden romance. The tale is told in flashback, with a nicely evoked setting of coastal North Carolina in the 1940s being one of the film's few saving graces. The source here is yet another assembly line product generated by romance novelist Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember), so you pretty much know what you're getting into even before the opening credits roll. Also stars James Garner, Gena Rowlands, James Marsden and Sam Shepard. 1/2
RAISING HELEN (PG-13) If the cast of Sex and the City had ever met The Brady Bunch, this fiasco would be the result. When her sister and brother-in-law die in a car accident, Helen Harris (Kate Hudson) suddenly transforms from a cheeky Manhattan party girl to a single mother with three children. Her difficulty dealing with the transition is highlighted throughout the film: she screams about how she can no longer fit into a size two and she doesn't have the courage to kick her attention-starved niece's drunken 15-year-old friends out of her apartment. Even though there are some strikingly funny moments, melodramatic scenes neutralize the humor. Also, when Helen goes job searching and ends up as a secretary at a used car dealership, it discouragingly reinforces the stereotypical notion that women with children can't have successful careers. Also stars John Corbett and Joan Cusack.
—Whitney Meers
SACRED PLANET (G) Robert Redford narrates this Large Format IMAX journey to various exotic locations around the world. (Not Reviewed)
SAVED! (PG-13) Director Brian Dannelly may think he lassoed himself some first-rate gonzo satire, but this drama of hypocritical Christian high school students toothlessly mimics the biting wit of Alexander Payne (Election). The unfunny dramedy tippy-toes to avoid outright blasphemy in depicting the out-of-wedlock pregnancy of a good girl (Jena Malone) after she tries to "cure" her boyfriend of homosexuality. The only real relief from this airless morality lesson is a wry performance by Macaulay Culkin as a paraplegic student flirting with his wild side and a hilarious turn by Martin Donovan as Pastor Skip, a hip-hop-spouting youth minister — the 2004 version of the guitar-strumming, Jesus-is-just-alright '60s pastor.
—Felicia Feaster
SHREK 2 (PG) While not quite the raw burst of unbridled (and vaguely subversive) creative energy that the original was, Shrek 2 is just as loaded with wall-to-wall gags, and may even boast a tighter, more traditionally compelling story. The narrative this time out features a deliciously nasty fairy godmother (Jennifer Saunders) who wants to pry apart our two favorite ogre lovebirds, and give Fiona to her vain, vapid Prince Charming of a son (Ruppert Everett). The movie also makes great use of its other voice talents, both old and new, showcases some of the best computerized animation ever seen, and grooves along on an eccentric soundtrack that includes everything from vintage '70s disco-funk to Nick Cave. Features the voices of Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, John Cleese and Julie Andrews.
SOUL PLANE (R) Soul Plane is Half Baked airborne, but lacks the Dave Chapelle character to classify it as an unforgettable summer comedy. Nashawn (Kevin Hart) opens an airline designed for "urban travelers" after he wins a $100 million settlement from an airline that lost his beloved dog. The movie takes place on a fully tricked-out NWA Flight #0-69 from Los Angeles to New York City. The chrome-trimmed, purple-painted plane has wheels with spinners, hydraulics that allow it to bounce down the runway and a pilot named Captain Mack (Snoop Dogg) who, once 35,000 feet in the air, confesses he is afraid of heights. Soul Plane also reinforces every urban stereotype, from "baby mamas" — whom Muggsy (Method Man) gives a shout out to over the plane's intercom — to pervasive drugs, to the 99 cents store. Soul Plane lands many laughs, but does so by formulaically catering to the audience's funny bone. 1/2
THE STEPFORD WIVES (PG-13) Although not quite the catastrophe indicated by all that awful advance buzz, Frank Oz's take on robot housewives in suburban hell is still a bit of a mess. Oz's remake eschews any traces of horror or suspense for the broadest sort of camp, bringing the already obvious satirical undertones of the original film to the surface and running with them like an energetic but none-too-bright puppy with a pair of your favorite underpants in its mouth. The pro-feminist/anti-conformist agenda is played as farce for most of the film's running time, with telegraphed plot points and a cavalier approach to pacing making it seem as if the film assumes that everyone is already in on the joke, so what does it matter. There are also narrative and tonal inconsistencies galore, culminating in a bizarre shift to the deadly serious occurring about an hour in, rendering the movie completely schizophrenic and dead in the water. Some of the comedy bits are appealing enough, however, in a lazy, glossy and thoroughly disposable sort of way. Stars Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick, Christopher Walken, Jon Lovitz and Bette Midler.
SUPER SIZE ME (NR) Morgan Spurlock's Sundance-approved attack on the fast food industry and on America's eating habits in general is a documentary very much cut from Michael Moore's cloth, both in its political leanings and in its methodology. Like Moore, Spurlock cloaks his diatribes in humor and odd behavior, includes all sorts of gonzo asides, and features the filmmaker himself as our personal guide through the chaos. The facts doled out are generally accurate but are selectively chosen and just incendiary enough to qualify, when all is said and done, as a friendlier, leftist version of old-fashioned fascist propaganda. Spurlock makes himself a human guinea pig, eating nothing but McDonalds food for 30 days, and the results are predictably gruesome. Like all good satirists and propagandists, Spurlock understands the value of exaggeration — the filmmaker consumed as much McDonalds in 30 days as most nutritionists say you're supposed to eat in eight years — and he makes an easy target an even easier one. Super Size Me's flip approach barely disguises its preachiness, but none of this makes the film any less valuable or any less nauseating. Held over at Tampa Theatre. Call theater to confirm. 1/2
THE TERMINAL (PG-13) Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks together again, in a curious little project about a man who becomes stuck in an airport when his country ceases to exist, plunging him into bureaucratic limbo. Spielberg turns the airport terminal into a microcosm, as Hank's character learns to survive within its confines, making friends (and an enemy or two), finding love (with an emotionally fragile stewardess played by Catherine Zeta-Jones), and eventually becoming a hero to the employees. The movie is a bit quirky and even minimalist in ways that we don't normally associate with Spielberg, at times almost like something Rod Serling might have cooked up as a Twilight Zone episode many decades ago. Rod would have got the job done in less than a half-hour, though, and Spielberg would have done better to trim The Terminal by at least 30 minutes. The film ultimately suffers from having too many sub-plots crammed into it, particularly the syrupy romantic interludes that are its least interesting elements. Still, it's easy to marvel at Spielberg's mastery of his craft, at his ability to glide from humor to pathos and back again without our even noticing how we're being manipulated. Also stars Stanley Tucci and Bernie Mac.
TROY (R) At a running time of some 160 minutes, this unfocused and overlong historical epic is unlikely to get anyone too excited. Troy tells us that it was "inspired" by Homer's Iliad, but this version of the Trojan wars of 1200 B.C. is history as thoroughly scrambled as something served up by Oliver Stone, and significantly flatter than anything Stone's ever attached his name to. The film simply alternates a steady stream of big, chaotic battle scenes (think Saving Private Ryan in tunics, complete with a soundtrack of whizzing arrows) with endless scenes distinguished by soulful expressions, weighty pronouncements about fate and immortality, and the faux-spiritual vocal stylings of the Bulgarian Women's Choir. Brad Pitt is as buff and bronzed as a Greek god, but turns in his most wooden performance ever as the legendary warrior Achilles, while an array of lesser stars swirl around him. Orlando Bloom drifts through the ether like an Elf transported in from Lord of the Rings, Brian Cox hams it up as evil King Agamemnon, and a frail Peter O'Toole wanders about looking like old Bruce Dern's dazed doppelganger. Also stars Eric Bana and Diane Kruger. 1/2
TWO BROTHERS (PG) Jean-Jacques Annaud, a director who usually seems much more comfortable working with animals (The Bear) than with real-live human actors (Seven Years in Tibet), is back on familiar turf with this simply told but heartfelt and beautifully made wildlife adventure. The movie was shot in Thailand and Cambodia, yielding some great location footage in this tale of two tigers separated as cubs only to be re-united as adult rivals. The human actors and their stories are almost an afterthought to Two Brothers (although Guy Pearce emotes with the best of them), but the antics of the cuddly cubs — which is the main attraction here — will keep the kiddies and their animal-loving adult companions more than happy. Also stars Jean-Claude Dreyfus and Christian Clavier.
VAN HELSING (PG-13) Even hardcore horror fans aren't likely to find much worthwhile in this bombastic mess in which a pair of fashionably dressed monster slayers (Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale) spend a couple of hours running around like headless chickens, shooting bullets, arrows and stakes at anything that moves. The CGI effects are omnipresent and absolutely awful, with gigantic werewolves and Mr. Hyde coming off as unintentional cartoons with all the personality of Casper the Friendly Ghost. The flesh and blood creatures don't fare much better, with Shuler Hensley making for an utterly bland Frankenstein monster, and Richard Roxburgh's ear-ringed and ponytailed Dracula coming off as a second-rate, Flamenco-dancing reject from the Gypsy Kings. The look of Van Helsing is darkly luxurious and faithful in its way to the old Universal horror films on which it's based, but director Stephen Sommers mistakes attractive set design for mood, and his movie is so frenetic it kills any chance for a poetic moment. Also stars David Wenham and Kevin J. O'Connor.
VALENTIN (NR) A sweet (sometimes almost unbearably so) coming-of-age tale about a precocious little cross-eyed boy growing up in Buenos Aires in the early '60s. Valentin (Rodrigo Noya) is a cute and wise-beyond-his-years 8-year-old, living with his loving but cranky grandmother (Carmen Maura), and struggling to understand what's going on with all the crazy and difficult adults surrounding him. Valentin befriends them all, though, from the local doctor to the lonely musician across the street to his absent father's ex-girlfriends, and each of the bummed-out adults come under his spell, apparently infected by the adorable tyke's irresistibly upbeat sincerity. There are some nice moments here and bits and pieces of charming local color, but the film doesn't add up to much. Also stars Julieta Cardinali. Opens July 2 at Sunrise Cinemas at Old Hyde Park (formerly Madstone Theater). 1/2
WHITE CHICKS (PG-13) There's nothing funnier than a guy in a dress, right? Unless, of course, it's a black guy in a dress, trying to pass as a white girl. OK, now picture a couple of Wayans Brothers as FBI agents pretending to be a pair of Hilton Sisters clones. Is it funny yet? If your answer is "Not by a long shot," then you're just beginning to scratch the surface of this mind-numbingly dull, extended sketch featuring Marlon and Shawn Wayons impersonating a pair of bubble-headed bimbettes. The stupid and by-the-numbers humor specializes in very loud fart jokes, the in-drag shtick is way too close for comfort to that annoying (but still funnier than this movie) "Drunk Girl" character on Saturday Night Live, and the movie's attempt at a plot is almost non-existent. The only thing of interest about the film is the freakish, barely human look of the "girls" themselves, who would have made a fine addition to the remake of The Stepford Wives. Also stars Jamie King, Frankie Faison, Lochlyn Munro and John Heard.
Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.
This article appears in Jul 1-7, 2004.