NEW THIS WEEK
Assault on Precinct 13 (R) Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne star in this competently crafted but otherwise unremarkable remake of John Carpenter's 1976 genre slam dunk (which was itself an homage to Howard Hawks' immortal Rio Bravo from 1959). The movie's premise remains the same – cops and criminals in an old Detroit precinct house band together to stave off an assault from marauding hordes outside – but the film dulls its impact by paying too much attention to its stock characters, while making the predictable move of exchanging the original's main bad guys – urban gangsters and lowlifes – for everybody's new favorite whipping boys, corrupt cops. A few nice moments here, but not much to remember a few days after you've seen it. Also stars Maria Bello and Ja Rule. Opens January 21 at local theaters
Are We There Yet? (PG) Sweetly moronic comedy with Ice Cube as a dedicated player and confirmed kid-hater who falls for a pretty single mom (Nia Long) and winds up chaperoning her children on what is supposed to be a short trip from Portland to Vancouver. The several-hour journey turns into a day-long trip into the bowels of Hell, natch, thanks largely to the efforts of the unbearably cute and predictably precocious children. Expect all the usuals – wall-to-wall potty jokes, exploding automobiles, eventual adult-child bonding – and at least you'll know what you're in for. Also stars Jay Mohr, Aleisha Allen and Philip Bolden. Opens January 21 at local theaters.
RECENT RELEASES:
AFTER THE SUNSET (PG-13) Although there are worse ways to while away 90-some minutes, After the Sunset isn't really exciting or original enough to engage us as a heist movie, and it's not funny enough to succeed as a comedy. Pierce Brosnan and Salma Hayek are retired jewel thieves playing elaborately pointless cat-and-mouse games with FBI agent Woody Harrelson while they consider that inevitable one last heist. Also stars Don Cheadle.
ALEXANDER (R) Oliver Stone's three-hour biopic of Alexander the Great is, at best, a curiously uninvolving affair. There are lots of long, boring speeches; hokey dialogue; an unintentionally silly mélange of accents (from Irish brogues to faux-Slavic); a couple of extended battle scenes where the cry of "Glory!" becomes a four-syllable word; a horribly manipulative soundtrack (courtesy of Vangelis); and a narrator who tells us about key events in the hero's life so that we don't have to actually witness them for ourselves. Colin Farrell makes a surprisingly lackluster Alexander, playing the great conqueror as a whiny, poofy-haired surfer dude with mother issues and an eye for the boys. In place of his usual conspiracy theories and cinematic provocations, Stone layers in heaping helpings of pop psychology, mainly manifested by Angelina Jolie as Alexander's dominating, guilt-tripping, weirdly sensualized mother (she does some interesting things with snakes, too). Also stars Val Kilmer, Anthony Hopkins, Jared Leto and Christopher Plummer.
THE AVIATOR (PG-13) Martin Scorsese's biopic about Howard Hughes (played here by Leonardo DiCaprio) begins in the 1920s with Hughes' flirtation with Hollywood, segueing into his affairs with the likes of Katherine Hepburn (an uncanny impersonation by Cate Blanchette) and Ava Gardner (a lightweight Kate Beckinsale), his outrageous financial triumphs and his steady surrender to his delusions. The Aviator covers a lot of other ground, too, and the question becomes how could one film do justice to this life. The answer, of course, is that it can't. But Scorsese has given us a big, muscular epic that, while not ranking with his very best work, is at least two films in one, both good enough to ensure that one of those nice, shiny statues will soon be residing on the director's mantelpiece
BEING JULIA (NR) "Luminous" is a word that film critics tend to overuse when describing beautiful actresses lighting up the screen, beautifully, but hardly any other word will do for Annette Bening's career-topping performance here. The film itself is lushly mounted but otherwise pretty standard stuff — Bening plays an aging diva in 1930s London, engaged in a clandestine affair with a younger man — but Bening herself is on screen nearly every moment, and it's impossible to take our eyes off her. Director Istvan Szabo (Mephisto, Sunshine) invests the material with an appealingly light touch, lovely visual flourishes and as much wit as we might expect in what is essentially a pretty dull story. The film becomes better during a last act that manufactures some All About Eve-like backstage intrigue and runs with it, but the real reason to see the film is Bening, who is extraordinary. Also stars Jeremy Irons, Juliet Stevens and Michael Gambon. Currently playing at Burns Court Cinemas. Call to confirm.
BEYOND THE SEA (PG-13) Kevin Spacey's well-intentioned but seriously bungled biopic about Bobby Darin nails the singer's voice, his stage mannerisms and his act, but gets almost everything else wrong. The movie takes one of those warmed-over Dennis Potter-esque approaches, à la All That Jazz and De-Lovely, where the characters step outside the action to comment on it and take us on a guided tour of their lives while conversing with younger versions of themselves. The poor man's pomo trappings fall particularly flat here, a lame attempt to disguise the movie's shallow and crushingly uninspired adherence to standard biopic formulas as it trudges along from one episode in Darin's life to the next. Bobby Darin was actually a pretty interesting guy, an ambitious chameleon with a complicated relationship to the whole hipster/lounge music phenomenon that, for many, defined him – not that you'd know it from this movie. The music is pretty happening, though, and a couple of the Vegas show recreations are almost worth sticking around for. Also stars Kate Bosworth, Brenda Blethyn, Bob Hoskins and John Goodman. Currently playing at Burns Court Cinemas. Call to confirm.
BLADE: TRINITY (R) Wesley Snipes returns as the iconic, elaborately tattooed hybrid human-vampire, but this time he's reduced to a minor character in his own movie, overshadowed by a pair of young, vampire-hunting hipsters. One is Jessica Biel, who slinks around exposing her midriff when not kicking vampire butt, and the other is Ryan Reynolds, who engages in incessant, lively banter with Blade and supplies most of the movie's comedic moments. We quickly become numb to all the blood, guts and speed, and there really isn't much spooky stuff to be found, much less atmosphere. Blade: Trinity also features no less a baddie than Dracula himself (now known simply as Drake), although he's a bland, gold-chain-wearing beefcake, shirt unbuttoned to display the bulging pecs where his acting ability apparently resides. Also stars Dominic Purcell.
BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON (PG-13) Bridget Jones is far from happy as a pig in shit, but that's exactly where she lands — wallowing with a bunch of swine in a tub of excrement — within the first few minutes of this bouncy but not particularly pleasant sequel to the popular 2001 film. From there, it's a short step to extreme wide-angle close-ups of B.J.'s considerable bum (accompanied by an off-screen voice demanding "get a shot of that porker"), as Edge of Reason piles on scene after embarrassing scene where the game plan apparently equates maximum humiliation of its heroine with maximum laughter. Stars Renee Zellweger, Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.
CLOSER (R) Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen play sexual (and maybe, just maybe, romantic) musical chairs in a raw-boned ballet of what director Mike Nichols probably intends as modern alienation. Law's would-be writer and Portman's off-and-on stripper are Couple No. 1, and Robert's long-suffering photographer and Owen's rude-and-crude dermatologist are Couple No. 2, although each time the movie jumps forward in time it seems like someone is screaming at someone for screwing someone else. Nichols and writer Patrick Marber give us some moments of genuine, albeit vicious, power here (particularly in the film's later stages), but Closer's basic take on self-destructive relationships often seems like it's been chiseled with a sledgehammer — and it's certainly nothing new.
COACH CARTER (PG-13) Samuel L. Jackson stars in a drama based on the true story of a high school basketball coach who valued grades as much as the ability to win games. Also stars Rob Brown and Vincent Laresca.
(Not Reviewed)
DARKNESS (R) Stylish visuals and atmosphere up the yin-yang are all well and good, but do not necessarily a good horror film make, as proven in spades by this swell-looking mess of a creepfest. Spanish filmmaker Jaume Balaguero, who previously gave us the excellent The Nameless, seems like a fish out of water directing a cast of English-speaking actors in a disjointed story about an American family coming apart at the seams while holed up in an isolated home in the Spanish countryside. The writer-director, in what is either a blatant bid for commercial success or a case of having abused too many illegal substances, cobbles together a patchwork of horror clichés, including major doses of daddy dementia à la The Shining and just about every Old Dark House chestnut you can think of, flinging it all up on the screen in hopes that something will stick. The results are often interesting to look at, but virtually incoherent, with consecutive scenes and subplots connected to one another with only the slimmest of linking material. It all makes so little sense that there's actually something fascinating about the experience. Stars Anna Paquin, Lena Olin and Iain Glen.
Elektra (PG-13) Her name is Elektra, "Like the tragedy," as one of the movie's characters puts it, and truer words were never spoken. Slick, loud, stupid and phony down to the marrow, this latest big-screen adaptation of a Marvel comic book is a tough slog. Jennifer Garner reprises the ninja-like superheroine character she played in Daredevil, but lacks the gravitas to pull off the role and comes off about as believable in the part as, say, Pamela Anderson. Frankly, Pam might have been a better choice; at least her presence might have provided this glum project with some much-needed, self-deflating humor or, for that matter, personality. The movie is a flat, uninspired blend of annoyingly edited fight sequences, cheesy Power Rangers-like special effects and bargain basement Asian mysticism that only small boys, dyed-in-the-wool comic book geeks or those lusting after Garner's exotically festooned bod will find remotely appealing. The villains are no great shakes either, but the movie only begins to come alive when they're on screen. Also stars a sadly slumming Terrence Stamp and Goran Visnjic.
FAT ALBERT (PG) That old-school gang of cartoon characters from the '70s TV show are transported into the real world of 2004, where they're briefly transformed into flesh-and-blood versions of their two-dimensional selves in order to help out a young girl's low-esteem issues. The first 45 minutes or so of this good-natured kiddie comedy is surprisingly watchable in a so-ridiculous-you-just-gotta-love-it kind of way, as Fat Albert and his crew riff away on their established cartoon personae while revealing themselves as street kids from a kinder, gentler time. They smile at people, solve problems and recoil at horror at gangsta rap, all with just a hint of a wink to let us know that the movie's not quite as dumb as it looks. It's not until the last half hour, when the Cosby Kids start becoming assimilated with the real world, that the movie ceases being very much fun and starts making with the messages. Stars Kenan Thompson, Dania Ramirez, Omari Grandberry, Marques Houston and Keith Robinson.
FINDING NEVERLAND (PG) Finding Neverland depicts the friendship between Peter Pan creator J.M. Barrie (an unusually subdued Johnny Depp) and the five young sons of a beautiful young widow (Kate Winslet), giving us a romance, a coming-of-age tale, and an elaborate parlor game in which we're teased with the bits from Barrie's life that served as inspiration for his classic-to-be about a boy who refused to grow up. It's best to put history out of your mind here, since the movie whitewashes several key facts of Barrie's life, but then again Finding Neverland is a movie designed to lift spirits, not dash them. Mark Foster, a talented director previously responsible for the much grittier Monsters Ball, coaches solid performances from the cast and layers Neverland with pleasing symmetries, wit and moments that make good on a clear intention to appear "magical." What we get is pleasant enough but a bit too pre-digested to take completely seriously. Also stars Radha Mitchell, Julie Christie and Dustin Hoffman.
FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (PG-13) A by-the-numbers re-working of Robert Aldrich's 1965 curiosity about a ragtag group of plane-crash survivors stranded in the middle of the desert and attempting to survive while they rebuild their plane. The 2004 version turns the characters into a much blander crew of misfits, adds some awful-looking CGI sequences and a couple of supposedly rousing inspirational speeches, and pads the action with extended and almost entirely gratuitous montage sequences set to classic rock songs (and a smattering of new tunes that smack of readymade nostalgia). Giovanni Ribisi is fairly interesting as the quirkiest member of the crew, but the rest of the cast is utterly forgettable, not excluding Dennis Quaid, who spends a lot of time with his shirt off but is not remotely up to the task of slipping into Jimmy Stewart's shoes. Also stars Tyrese Gibson and Miranda Otto.
HOTEL RWANDA (R) The first film about the Rwanda genocide of 1994 — when nearly one million Tutsi were slaughtered by Hutu tribesmen in barely 100 days — is earnest, informative and well-meaning, but ultimately just a bit toothless. Don Cheadle gives a nicely understated performance as the manager of an upscale Rwandan hotel secretly transformed into a refuge for those facing extinction, including his own family. The film takes a Schindler's List-lite approach to its tragic topic, focusing on relief efforts and survivors, with little overt violence or gore on display and just a sprinkling of scenes hinting at the real extent of the horror that's occurring. We know the situation is terrible mainly because various characters keep telling us that it is in a series of melodramatic and/or preachy monologues that turn the film into a message movie that's more tearjerker than jaw-dropper. Hotel Rwanda performs the dubious task of taking horror of nearly unimaginable proportions and making it, if not palatable, at least understandable — but, as Pasolini showed us in Salo, there's something to be said for making an "undigestible" film. Some things are simply not meant for us to wrap our minds around. Also stars Nick Nolte and Sophie Okonedo.
The House of Flying Daggers (NR) With Hero and, now, the immensely entertaining House of Flying Daggers, Chinese director Zhang Yimou morphs from art house auteur to popular entertainer, completing his conquest of the West by beating Hollywood at its own game – sheer, kickass spectacle. Zhang's movie is the latest in a modern cycle of art-fu epics that, at their best, turn swordfights and hand-to-hand combat into acts of transcendental poetry. Simpler and less demanding than any of its immediate predecessors, Flying Daggers offers less characters and fewer sub-plots to keep track of, with a central storyline that simply involves a man and a woman falling in love while making a dangerous journey together in Ninth Century China. The movie is essentially one long, nearly unbroken string of astonishing battle sequences, beautifully filmed and imaginatively choreographed, with the star-crossed couple coming to terms with their growing affection for one another in between bouts of fending off various attackers. There are also some 11th-hour twists where the secrets fall so thick and fast it nearly spoils the movie's effect, but it all resolves itself in a grand finale that's operatic in the best sense of the word, leaving us satisfied and a little excited. There's not much more to it than that, but the film is such a gorgeous, eye-popping entertainment that it's easy to forgive its lack of depth. Stars Zhang Ziyi, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau and Song Dandan.
IN GOOD COMPANY (PG-13) Dennis Quaid stars as a middle-aged, old-school (tough but fair) executive who finds himself demoted to being the underling of a brash, twenty-something hotshot (Topher Grace) when his company is bought out by a Mega-Conglomerate run by a Rupert Murdoch-like marauder. Director Tom Weitz does a nice job contrasting the parallel paths of the younger man and the older one, with the private lives of each rising and falling in exact disproportion to what happens in the public arcs of their careers. There's also an amusing subplot that makes the most of Quaid's reactions to his young boss' romance with his daughter (Scarlet Johansson), but much of the movie falls into the realm of the predictable or toothless. Also stars Marg Helgenberger, Selma Blair and Malcom McDowell.
KINSEY (R) The so-called sexual revolution of the 20th century is a can of worms we still struggle with today, and this classy biopic of pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey gamely lays it all out, a bit provocative around the edges, but never off-putting. The film is handsomely crafted, witty, sensitive and frequently thoughtful, but it's also a bit bloodless, at least for what this material would seem to demand. Kinsey doesn't exactly ignore the meatier, thornier implications of its own story, but it folds them neatly and a little too smoothly into quantities of more conventionally appealing biopic material, beginning with Liam Neeson in the title role as another Schindler for another moment, a flawed but benevolent facilitator of refugees seeking asylum of the sexual kind. Kinsey may have been somewhat robotic in real life (think of him as the original sex machine), but Hollywood has never had much trouble making androids endearing, a feat accomplished here with the casting of Neeson, a supremely sympathetic actor, and by a sprinkling of carefully calculated insights into Kinsey's personal life and background. Also stars Laura Linney, Peter Sarsgaard, John Lithgow, Chris O'Donnell, Timothy Hutton and Tim Curry.
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (PG) Morbidly witty, imaginatively stylized and with surprisingly little pandering to tiny or otherwise tiny-minded viewers, there's much to enjoy in this dark-but-not-too-dark fantasy about the trials and tribulations of a trio of ingenious orphans. Jim Carrey dons a series of elaborate disguises as the young pups' nemesis, an evil actor who keeps putting the kiddies in a succession of increasingly harrowing predicaments from which they must use all their considerable, McGuyver-like resources to escape. It's not exactly Shakespeare, but there are lots of curious characters, bizarre and outlandish landscapes, and a tone that's more or less faithful to the dark, disarmingly dry sensibility of the original books. The film is a production designer's dream, with wonderfully odd little Edward Gorey-esque flourishes and filigrees loitering about the edges of nearly every frame. Also stars Liam Aiken, Emily Browning, Timothy Spall, Billy Connolly, Meryl Streep and Jude Law.
THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU (R) While its joys are not so warming or self-evident as those of his previous Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, Wes Anderson's latest movie is unlike any other. With The Life Aquatic, Anderson doesn't give us particularly likeable or even "real" characters, and the humor is so dry and understated that "jokes" frequently fly under the radar, but the film does present an entire, not-quite-alternate universe, one as inexplicably skewed and intricately self-contained as something you'd find in a big, fat novel by Thomas Pynchon. Anderson seems to be setting himself up as Hollywood's Pynchon, in fact, with a movie that, while technically a comedy, is often maddeningly enigmatic to the point of obscurity, set in a world a half-stop removed from reality and floating along on a narrative both elaborate and sketch-like. The movie's characters include some magnificently strange but emotionally distant birds (led by Bill Murray as the disagreeable but oddly charismatic Zissou), a guy who periodically croons Ziggy Stardust-era Bowie songs in Portuguese, and there are even a few mock action sequences as wonderfully inept and ludicrous as anything you'll see in Team America. Also stars Owen Wilson, Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum and Anjelica Huston.
MEET THE FOCKERS (PG-13) If you liked Meet the Parents, odds are you'll love this sequel, which has pretty much everything the original had plus a little something else just to make sure all the bases are covered. Besides the patented oil-and-water dynamic between Ben Stiller and his future in-laws, we get an even more strained (and consequently, in movie logic, wackier) dynamic between those same, uptight WASPy future in-laws and Stiller's own oversexed and way ethnic parents (Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand). There's also a cute baby, a tiny dog and cat who do terrible (as in terrible-funny) things to each other, and Robert DeNiro wearing a fake boob. The main show here is Hoffman and Streisand, though, who are actually quite funny together, despite being saddled with a script that too often relies on jokes about old people having sex and that apparently thinks the ultimate in hilarity is to simply have someone say anything that pops into their heads in Yiddish. The movie also gets much comedic mileage merely by repeating the word "Focker" again and again, but, fortunately, there's a fair amount here that's genuinely amusing, too. Also stars Blythe Danner and Teri Polo.
NATIONAL TREASURE (PG) Lightweight but entertaining yarn about a secret treasure hidden by the Founding Fathers, an invisible map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, and an enterprising treasure hunter (Nicholas Cage) who hopes to find what generations of his family members could not. The film could play as nothing more than an attempt to cash in on the massive success of The Da Vinci Code, but director Jon Turteltaub manage to keep the plot moving and the characters convincing. Cage is outstanding at the center of the film, always engaging and lending heft to the pseudo-history presented throughout the film (think of it more as name-dropping than actual history). The supporting players, including Diane Kruger as the love interest and Harvey Keitel as the cop investigating the case, are also terrific. Perhaps the film's biggest surprise is just how innocent it is, playing up adventure instead of violence and keeping the language mild. This one truly is for the whole family. – Joe Bardi
OCEAN'S 12 (PG-13) Master thieves George Clooney, Brad Pitt and the rest of the Ocean gang are back in a gleefully convoluted plot that involves a couple of heists, a sexy detective (Catherine Zeta-Jones) in hot pursuit, a showdown with a rival criminal mastermind and an assortment of glitzy Euro-destinations including Rome, Paris, Amsterdam and Lake Como. The actors all appear to be having a grand old time and director Steven Soderbergh moves the film along at a clip, with a pleasantly off-kilter, loosey-goosey style that, not to put too fine a point on it, evokes the energy and attitude (not to mention the jump cuts and radical temporal shifts) of the early French New Wave. The movie nearly breaks its own spell in the end with a final plot twist involving Julia Roberts' character that's so postmodern meta-meta it nearly breaks the film's flow, but it turns out to only be a minor disruption in what is basically a very good time at the movies. The soundtrack is pretty stellar, too. Also stars Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle and Vincent Cassel.
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (PG-13) Remixed version of the hit Broadway musical, The Phantom of the Opera finds director Joel Schumacher switching scenes around, adding a new song, wrapping the whole thing in a framing story and managing to construct a successful film out of the parts of the stage original. As the chandelier crashes and the opera house burns, it becomes clear that this Phantom, for better or worse, is pumped up with the Hollywood juice. While purists might gasp at Schumacher's liberties, the updates free the film to breathe, jump around in time and even escape the confines of the opera house (for some swordplay in a graveyard, no less). Fans, take heart: even with all the changes, the plot (Phantom tutors girl, loses girl, goes on murderous rampage) and the music manage to stay true to the original. An up-and-coming cast including local boy Patrick Wilson (as the Phantom's enemy, Raoul) and beautiful newcomer Emmy Rossum lend the film energy and heart, and the set design, costumes and staging of the musical numbers are first-rate. – Joe Bardi
THE POLAR EXPRESS (G) An amazing technical achievement, but one with a very big heart, Polar Express looks a lot like an instant holiday classic. Based on Chris Van Allsburg's popular book, this beautifully animated feature follows a magical train as it transports a group of children to the North Pole for a close encounter with the Clausmeister. Along the way, all sorts of strange things happen, things both inexplicably surreal and, sometimes, terribly exciting, and it all culminates in an irresistibly sappy message about the child-like joys of believing in believing. Director Robert Zemeckis handles the movie's frenetic action sequences in fine style, but is equally adept at communicating the atmospheric poetry of the long, nearly wordless stretches. Tom Hanks, whose voice and movements provided the template for no less than five of the movie's characters, is in fine form here as well, although there's still something just a little unintentionally creepy about watching digitally generated humans who are this close to being exactly like us, but aren't. Also features Eddie Deezen, Nona Gaye and Peter Scorlari.
RACING STRIPES (PG) A young girl adopts a baby zebra, introduces him to a farm full of wacky barnyard animals (all of whom can talk), and dreams of turning him into a champion racer. Featuring the voices of Frankie Muniz, Michael Clarke Duncan, Dustin Hoffman, Jeff Foxworthy and Whoopi Goldberg.
(Not Reviewed)
RAY (PG-13) While not quite the modern American classic we were hoping for, Ray is still solid entertainment and a particular joy for Ray Charles fans. The movie presents Charles as a fusion of musical genius, tortured soul and Daredevil/Zatoichi (with an impressively developed hearing sense compensating for his blindness), and then dutifully walks us through the high and low points of his life. We get the music (thankfully, and lots of it), the childhood traumas, the drugs, the womanizing, the refusal to see blindness as a handicap, and the eventual rise to fame. The music is glorious, of course (with a heavy concentration on Ray's brilliant mid- to late-'50s period), and Jamie Foxx's performance/impersonation ranks with Jim Carrey's impeccable Andy Kaufman, but Ray is not immune to many of the problems that inevitably plague biopics. As is common with this form, the movie tends to play like a greatest hits (and flops) of Charles' life, with equal weight given to nearly everything, too much crammed in, and too little transitional material. Also stars Kerry Washington and Regina King.
RED LIGHTS (NR) Based on a novel by Georges Simenon, Red Lights is an austere, oddly gripping blend of mystery, marital drama and psychological thriller that's not quite any of those things. Director Cedric Kahn begins by focusing intently on his two main characters, an alcoholic husband and his somewhat frosty wife (Jean-Pierre Darrousin and Carole Bouquet), placing them in a car together in the middle of the night and simply watching the kinks and cracks in their marriage reveal themselves as their nocturnal ride progresses. The film goes in all sorts of unexpected directions from there, throwing a few more or less traditional scares our way (an escaped prisoner figures prominently in the proceedings) but mostly discovering its suspense in small details, silence, real time and other unlikely places. Kahn cops out with a lackluster final act, but the first two-thirds of Red Lights takes Sartre's "Hell is other people" line and runs with it, creating a delicately shaded atmosphere of tension and unease where all sorts of terrible things are not only possible but deliciously probable. The score by Debussy is a nice touch, too. Also stars Vincent Denlard. Held over at Tampa Theatre. Call to confirm.
SIDEWAYS (R) Alexander Payne's latest film, like the director's previous About Schmidt, is a road movie that easily transcends its own sub-genre, a tragi-comic quest with no clear objectives but lots of priceless detours. There's no real end in sight, but it hardly matters; the fun is all in how we get there (or not). Sideways is also a buddy movie of sorts, a testosterone comedy that serves as a playful, sometimes painful and always spot-on dissection of the male psyche as it lurches toward middle age. The aging male buddies in question are a classic odd couple, depressed wannabe author Miles (Paul Giamatti) and cocky, washed-up actor Jack (Thomas Haden Church), two old pals spending some time together in California's wine country during the week before Jack's wedding. Also stars Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh. Currently playing at Sunrise Cinemas in Tampa and Burns Court Cinemas in Sarasota. Call to confirm.
SPANGLISH (PG-13) James L. Brooks' new movie is terrible because it's long-winded, pointless, shamelessly manipulative and not particularly funny, but it's also something new and even more terrible: a mean-spirited feel-good movie. The basic scenario here is pure sitcom — mildly eccentric yuppie couple hires beautiful, fiery Mexican housekeeper and mayhem ensues — but the execution is flat and extremely unpleasant, with a 130 minute running time that leaves little doubt that Brooks feels he's doing something important here. The characters are, without exception, either underdeveloped or drawn in ridiculously broad strokes, particularly Tea Leoni's hardbodied queen bitch of a hausfrau, who crosses the line from quirky to just plain cruel early on and leaves the movie with a big, fat hole in its emotional center. The plot stumbles along with all the predictability and shallowness of a grade-C TV sitcom but very little of the snap, while the dribs and drabs of affection passing between the characters — particularly Adam Sandler and Paz Vega — aren't particularly satisfying or convincing. Brooks was apparently going through a messy divorce while he was directing Spanglish and was trying to "work something out" in the film, but the result is far and away his worst movie. Also stars Cloris Leachman and Sarah Steele.
THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE (PG) Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Yep, it's Nickelodeon's favorite son, that little ol' absorbent, yellow pop culture icon, making the leap from the living room boob tube to your neighborhood megaplex. There are a few snags along the way — the movie has trouble holding our interest for nearly 90 minutes, mostly owing to an overly conventional storyline (Spongebob and Patrick embark on a quest to retrieve King Neptune's crown) that tries too hard to mold itself for the big screen. Still, that patented blend of wide-eyed nonsense and gleeful anarchy remains pretty much intact and there are periodic bursts of absurd brilliance that make it all worthwhile. The world of Bikini Bottom seems to work better in small doses, but any excuse to spend some time with Mr. Squarepants — the Pee-Wee Herman of his generation — is OK with me. Featuring the voices of Alec Baldwin, Clancy Brown, Rodger Bumpass and Bill Fagerbakke.
STRAIGHT JACKET (NR) Not to be confused with the old Joan Crawford camp classic about the battle-axe with the axe. This contemporary Straight Jacket lacks Mommie Dearest and has nothing to do with murderous psychos, be they carrying large sharp tools or otherwise — although it might well have benefited from some. Directed by Richard Day, creator of the wonderfully raunchy Girls Will Be Girls, this bright-eyed but not very funny comedy stars Matt Letscher as a Rock Hudson-esque '50s matinee idol attempting to hide his gayness from the rest of Hollywood and the general public by getting hitched to a ditzy blonde bimbette (Carrie Preston). The ruse marriage is in trouble from the get-go, of course, but major complications set in when our hero falls for a cute male co-worker (Adam Greer). It's all pretty much as sitcom-like as it sounds, and the campy attitude and candy-colored sets don't begin to make up for the lame jokes and terrible acting. Also stars Veronica Cartwright.
TESTOSTERONE (NR) The tone lurches blindly from sunny comedy to unpleasant psychodrama in this sloppily scripted tale of a gay comic book illustrator (oops, I mean "graphic novelist") who travels to Buenos Aires in search of his hunky Latino lover and winds up embroiled in a convoluted mystery that makes very little sense. David Sutcliffe (Rory's dad from The Gilmore Girls) is passable in the lead role, and Sonia Braga turns in a nice cameo, but virtually everyone and everything else in this mess misses the mark. Even the exotic Buenos Aires locations aren't utilized to full advantage. Also stars Antonio Sabato. Currently Playing at Sunrise Cinemas. Call to confirm.
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT (R) Like all of the films of Jean Pierre Jeunet (Amelie), A Very Long Engagement is a love story. But it's also a war movie, directly descended from hard-hitting humanist classics like Paths of Glory. Amelie's Audrey Tautou plays Mathilde, a simple provincial lass who spends virtually every one of Engagement's 134 minutes searching for her lost soulmate, a missing French army recruit. Like Amelie (only with a less interesting sense of humor and a limp), Mathilde devotes herself to finding true love, although she takes a considerably less innovative approach. Her investigation yields some interesting results, though, as conflicting versions of reality emerge, weaving a richly confounding, Rashomon-like tapestry of the truth. The film becomes a maze of loose ends and detours, all rendered in typically stunning visual form by Jeunet. Even the most inventive visuals can't completely redeem an earthbound script, though, and the later sections of the film occasionally forget that this director's movies are best when they're allowed to fly. Ultimately, this is a film to be admired and appreciated, not to be devoured whole or ravished by. Jeunet seems to have created the epic he felt was demanded of him, but the filmmaker didn't quite give us the movie either he or we deserve. Currently playing at Beach Theatre in St. Pete, Sunrise Cinemas in Tampa, and Burns Court Cinemas in Sarasota. Call to confirm.
WHITE NOISE (PG-13) Sounds like a supernatural thriller of the week, in which a dead person and a surviving spouse attempt to communicate with each other across the void. A long missing-in-action Michael Keaton stars, but don't expect too much. The studio isn't screening this one for critics until it's too late for most deadlines, which is never actually a good sign. Also stars Deborah Unger.
(Not Reviewed)
This article appears in Jan 19-25, 2005.