Outtakes

13 GOING ON 30 (PG-13) Tempting as it is to call this Big for girls, it's even more accurate to dub the movie Big minus brains. 13 Going on 30 is about an insecure 13-year-old girl who makes a wish in 1987 and wakes up in 2004 as leggy, 30-year-old Jennifer Garner, a successful but emotionally unfulfilled career woman. All the anticipated and all-but obligatory jokes are here ("Wow," says Garner's character, "I've got boobs!"), and the movie does little to disguise its myriad cliches or blatant attempts to manipulate our emotions. Garner is an enormously appealing screen presence, but virtually everything that surrounds her here is a chore to sit through. The director is Gary Winick, whose previous film was the ridiculously overrated but marginally more interesting Tadpole. Also stars Mark Ruffalo, Judy Greer and Andy Serkis. 1/2

THE ALAMO (PG-13) The new version of Alamo doesn't seem overly interested in glorifying American legends or in debunking them. Instead, it merely plods along from scene to scene, ambivalent toward its characters, and barely glued together in a way that indicates nothing so much as being the product of too many cooks. Ultimately The Alamo just doesn't seem to have a handle on what sort of movie it wants to be, wavering between traditional period adventure, cynical, revisionist history and meandering, multi-character mini-series. The action scenes aren't very good either. Stars Billy Bob Thornton, Jason Patrick, Dennis Quaid, Emilio Echevarria and Patrick Wilson.

THE AGRONOMIST (PG-13) Jonathan Demme's powerful and eloquently crafted documentary focuses on the remarkable Haitian radio personality Jean Dominique, whose outspoken advocacy of human rights led to his assassination in 2000. Making use of archival footage, interviews and still photos, Demme paints a fascinating and ultimately touching portrait of an idealistic and astonishingly energetic man, whose life inevitably does double-duty as a history lesson of the chaotic and strife-ridden country he so loved. Opens May 28 at Tampa Theatre. Call theatre to confirm.

BON VOYAGE (PG-13) A grand Gallic farce that offers plenty of glossy amusements, despite being overstuffed with way too many characters doing way too many things. Bon Voyage is pure escapism set against a backdrop of impending war, with an ensemble of movie stars, politicians, scientists, spies, writers, criminals and just-plain Joe's scrambling about pre-WWII France in a plot that involves murder, romance, stolen secrets and more. None of it's meant to be taken too seriously, though, and there's ultimately little in this big, sprawling, handsome production that really sticks to the ribs. Stars Isabelle Adjani, Gerard Depardieu, Virginie Ledoyen and Peter Coyote. Opens May 28 at Madstone Theaters. Call theater to confirm.

BREAKIN' ALL THE RULES This movie is all about frustration. It's what you feel after you leave the theater. A predictable romantic comedy about a writer named Quincy Watson (Jamie Foxx) who accidentally falls in love with his cousin Evan's (Morris Chestnut) girlfriend, Nikki (Gabrielle Union), Breakin' All the Rules barrels along at breakneck speed — a pithy hour and 20 minutes — leaving little time for character development. Worse, the movie frequently lacks even minimal psychological plausibility — as with the unlikely tie between Evan and Nikki. The on-screen chemistry between Quincy and Nikki glitters, but Evan's inability to stay away from a tainted temptress (Jennifer Esposito) drives a plot based on misunderstandings to a conventional ending. A flat-lined comedy, Breakin' all the Rules does anything but. Also stars Peter MacNicol.
—Meredith Yeomans

BROKEN WINGS (NR) This award-winner from Israel shows us a more-or-less ordinary, middle-class family shattered by personal tragedy. Eventually, the movie becomes an account of their nascent attempts at reconnecting with the world. Broken Wings at times resembles a slightly unconventional soap opera, although you're unlikely ever to see a soap opera that depicts its characters and their relationships in such a natural and finely detailed manner. These characters feel real, and the environment in which their story unfolds is universal enough to be familiar. The Israel depicted in the film could be almost anywhere, just another outpost of global McCulture, compete with bong-huffing kids in backwards baseball caps and Sid Vicious T-shirts. There are no political messages to be found anywhere in the film, no looming security fences, no Palestinian terrorists shooting babies through the heads. Some might come to Broken Wings expecting just that sort of local color, but, frankly, there's none to be found here. Be thankful for small favors. Stars Maya Maron, Eliana Magon, Orly Zilberschatz-Banai and Nitai Gvirtz. Opens May 28 at Madstone Theaters. Call theater to confirm. 1/2

CONNIE AND CARLA (PG-13) Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) channels Some Like It Hot and comes up with the story of a pair of dinner theater performers (Vardalos and Toni Collette) on the lam from the mob and forced to disguise their true genders. The, uh, "twist" here is that the performers are women masquerading as men masquerading as women — which is to say, drag queens. Also stars David Duchovny. (Not Reviewed)

DAWN OF THE DEAD (R) One might ponder the reasons for remaking George Romero's nearly perfect horror classic, but, hey — the bottom line is that you can never have too many zombie movies. Actually, the word "zombie" is never even uttered in the 2004 version, and the creatures themselves more closely resemble the shrieking sprinters of 28 Days than the lumbering icons from Romero's original. Also missing in action are the original's famous images of the living dead strolling about the shopping mall where our heroes are trapped, or any other swipes at our happily zombified consumer culture. What we get instead is a competent but much more conventional thrill machine, filled with a steady stream of decent scares and even more flying hunks of bloody flesh than you'll see in Mel's Passion. Stars Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer and Ty Burrell.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (PG-13) Having built a career on destroying the world (by, among other things, aliens in Independence Day and giant lizards in Godzilla), Roland Emmerich is up to his old tricks again. This time, however, we've only got ourselves to blame, as global warming and an out-of-control greenhouse effect make life very difficult for courageous scientist Dennis Quaid and his dreamboat son Jake Gyllenhaal, not to mention a couple billion bit players. Also stars Iam Holm. Opens May 28 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)

DOGVILLE (R) Lars von Trier's audacious new film takes a distinctly Hobbesian view of life and then pounds it home in ways both nasty and brutish, although not terribly short (Dogville clocks in at very close to three hours). Von Trier's latest act of cinematic subversion tells of a beautiful fugitive (Nicole Kidman) who wanders into the sleepy, little Depression-era town of Dogville and goes from being the community's nurturing sister/mother figure to its scapegoat, whore and slave. The entire movie is performed on a bare-bones set, with the town of Dogville laid out like a two-dimensional grid as perfectly dispassionate as a Flaubert sentence and as inescapable as the characters' destinies. Likewise, there's an almost mathematical inevitability to the unfolding of the film's tragedy that calls to mind Emma Bovary, just as the eloquent but direct voice-over narration (beautifully delivered by John Hurt) recalls, again, the precisely calibrated language of Flaubert. Sadly, the final act of von Trier's film, while clearly meant as catharsis, simply feels overwrought, underthought and, worst of all, preachy — a final gesture so simplistic and condescending it almost ruins what is an otherwise astonishing movie. Also stars Paul Bettany, Stellan Skarsgard, Chloe Sevigny, Ben Gazzara, Philip Baker Hall, James Caan and Lauren Bacall.

ENVY (PG-13) Fans of Ben Stiller and Jack Black should expect a huge disappointment with this misguided attempt at humor. Even the two widely known comedic actors can't spice up this dry, ridiculous story. Tim Dingman (Stiller) becomes jealous of his best friend Nick Vanderpark's (Black) instant success with an unlikely invention called Vapoorizer, leading to a series of lies and deceits. The movie's attempts to teach some life lessons about honesty and friendship play on exaggerated cliches about jealousy and money, and endlessly drawn-out scenes make for an extremely plodding pace. There are very few funny moments and even the best jokes are only slightly humorous references to dog poo. Instead of genuine comedy, the movie mostly relies on amateur slapstick that doesn't work with the film's premise. Also stars Christopher Walken. 1/2
—Whitney Meers

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (R) Careful kids, the title of this teen comedy shouldn't be taken at face value (wink, wink). A straight-arrow boy's dream comes true when he and his new, seemingly innocent neighbor fall in love. Then he discovers she's an ex-porn star! Stars Emile Hirsch and Elisha Cuthbert. (Not Reviewed)

GODSEND (PG-13) Greg Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos star as a couple who clone their dead son, only to find that little Version Two has brought along some dark secrets with him. Godsend is a clumsy pastiche of elements swiped from The Omen, The Sixth Sense and numerous other fright films, and the movie is so busy tossing out red herrings it never quite gets down to the business of telling a story. Even at the crucial three-quarter mark, when the film should be solving some of its own mysteries or driving them home, Godsend only succeeds in becoming more of a muddle. Also stars Robert De Niro.

HOME ON THE RANGE (PG) If you've been waiting your whole life for a movie where Roseanne Barr tells us right up front, "I'm a cow" — well, the wait is over. The thing about the Disney animated feature Home on the Range is that Barr really is a cow — or at least she's lending her voice to one — although she's in good company, with Dame Judi Dench supplying another bovine voice. Together with cow No. 3 (Jennifer Tilly as a psycho-babbling new-agey heifer) and an assortment of other plucky barnyard animals, the trio become bovine bounty hunters in order to collect the reward money needed to save their farm. Home on the Range is a pleasant enough diversion but not really memorable in the manner of so many of Disney's very best films. Also features the voices of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Randy Quaid.

JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION (PG-13) This is an African-American National Lampoon's Vacation, which raises the question: Why would Cedric the Entertainer want to be Chevy Chase when he has the potential to be much funnier, without the premature burnout? The incidents on the road prove too stupid for words, and while Cedric has some good one-liners, you can hear most of them in the trailer.
—Steve Warren

KILL BILL, VOLUME TWO (R) There's still a goodly amount of blood and guts to be found here, but if KB1 was all form and slick, shocking exteriors, then KB2 often appears to be the inside of the story, the so-called heart. KB2 is still basically a cartoon, albeit a more elaborately illustrated one, but it's also where the story behind the story of the first film starts opening itself up and, eventually, turning itself inside out. Tarantino's new movie sometimes almost seems to be on the verge of becoming a blood-spattered chick flick about the, uh, complicated relationship between Uma Thurman's retired assassin and her former employer and lover, Bill (David Carradine). In the end, KB2 is more interesting for how it defies expectations than for what it actually achieves, but it's nice to see that Tarantino hasn't completely turned his back on the idea of telling a genuine story peopled by real-live humans with real-live emotions. Also stars Michael Madsen and Darryl Hannah.

LAWS OF ATTRACTION (PG-13) Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore play dueling divorce lawyers dealing with a massive mutual attraction that should make things more interesting, but doesn't, in this latter day riff on Adam's Rib. The mush-headed script is as dull as they come, leaving us with a movie that isn't really much more than a showcase for some watchable chemistry between the stars. Moore is a bit out of her element here, but gamely manages a few passable comedic moves, while the ever-charming Brosnan displays to full advantage that perfectly sculpted hair that adorns both his scalp and pecs. That's about it. Also stars Frances Fisher and Nora Dunn.

MAN ON FIRE (R) Reigning action hero/sensitive guy Denzel Washington and precocious cutie-pie Dakota Fanning star in this Tony Scott-directed thriller about a disillusioned bodyguard who goes ballistic when the child he's sworn to protect is abducted. Also stars Radha Mitchell. (Not Reviewed)

MEAN GIRLS (PG-13) Although its plot is nothing special — a new kid in school butts heads with a clique of popular girls — Mean Girls might just be the funniest and most spot-on movie about high school since Welcome to the Dollhouse or Heathers. The movie has a ball picking apart the rigid and elaborately cruel codifications of high school life — how students are identified and categorized according to everything from what they wear to where they sit — and it does it all with considerable smarts. Like Dogville, Mean Girls also has last-act problems, but, on the whole, screenwriter Tina Fey (Saturday Night Live) has crafted a lean, mean entertainment that manages to be both playful and subversive while exhibiting plenty of mainstream appeal. Stars Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amy Poehler, Tim Meadows and Tina Fey. 1/2

MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN (R) The famed British comedy group's second feature film is a fabulously eccentric and often scathing satire of religion, historical epics and human nature in general. This is some beautiful burlesque, with humor as witty as it is absurdist and flat-out silly. The Pythons make no distinctions, and neither should we. Stars Terry Jones, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin, John Cleese, Eric Idle and Terry Gilliam. Playing at Tampa Theatre. Call theater to confirm.

NEW YORK MINUTE (PG) The Olsen twins clearly know how to work their target audience, as New York Minute is a film adolescent girls will be talking about for weeks. Prim and proper Jane Ryan (Ashley Olsen) must get to Columbia University to deliver a speech that just might be her ticket to a four-year scholarship to Oxford, but when her twin sister and polar opposite Roxy (Mary-Kate Olsen) opts to go along for the ride, trouble ensues. Set in the exhilarating streets of The Big Apple, this movie shows the teenage superstars in a new light (read: high heels and miniskirts). This film is much better than the duo's past kiddie flicks but unnecessary cheesy-ness and an unrealistic chain of events make the movie mediocre by adult standards. For those who remember the Full House days, look for a cameo by Bob Saget. Also stars Eugene Levy, Andy Richter, Riley Smith and Jared Padalecki.
—Whitney Meers

THE PUNISHER (R) There are traces of human warmth and kindness here, but The Punisher is mostly a no-frills revenge flick that embraces its B-movie nihilism with icy relish. Thomas Jane stars as a vigilante sworn to make life miserable for the man responsible for killing his family (John Travolta). As revenge flicks go, The Punisher isn't nearly as extreme or even as original as some, but it's lean and mean and just smart enough to occasionally poke fun at its own brutal formula. Stray moments of humor leaven the violence and negativity, and the script manages to keep things interesting enough by treading the fine line between encouraging sympathy for Castle as a tragic hero/victim and portraying him as a killing machine beyond good and evil. The cast is surprisingly convincing too, and the movie's look is appropriately dark, gritty and even a little tawdry, pushing deep into Death Wish territory, which is exactly as it should be. Also stars Laura Harring, Will Patton and Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. 1/2

RAISING HELEN (PG-13) Wasn't this already released awhile back as Uptown Girls? Kate Hudson steps into the pumps worn by Brittany Murphy in that previous disaster, as a club-dwelling glamourpuss suddenly saddled with parental responsibilities and small children. Also stars Hayden Panettiere, Abigail Bresling, Spencer Breslin and Joan Cusack. Opens May 28 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)

THE RETURN (NR) In The Return, a father mysteriously reappears after a 12-year absence and takes his two young sons on what a Hollywood marketing hack might call "a camping trip from Hell." Tensions simmer, sparks fly, and mysterious and terrible things ensue. The tale here is essentially a simple one, but it gains considerable complexity from the nuances of its telling. Director Andrey Zvyagintsev invites us to consider the film in a variety of ways, including as an emotional- psychological drama, and even as a sort of mystical parable. Zvyagintsev creates an icy, elemental poetry by subtracting information rather than by supplying explanations. The significant details of The Return almost all occur not just off screen, but in between the lines, accumulating bit by bit until they reach a critical mass. There's an almost primal power to this magnificently photographed film, evoking feelings that seem to spring from ancient, dark places, like some half-remembered dream, its meaning just out of reach. Stars Vladimir Garin, Ivan Dobronravov, Konstantin Lavronenko and Natalia Vdonvina. Playing at Madstone Theaters. Call theater to confirm.

SACRED PLANET (G) Robert Redford narrates this Large Format IMAX journey to various exotic locations around the world. (Not Reviewed)

SCOOBY DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED (PG) This sequel to last year's big screen Doo isn't much more than you might expect, but it does beat the original on several counts. The CGI effects are more interesting and better integrated with the live action, beginning with the computer generated title pooch, who doesn't look nearly as grotesque this time around. Even more importantly, Scooby Doo 2 gets the crucial mix of scares to laughs down pat, with an array of monsters that, while spooky, rarely come off as too intense for the movie's core audience of 6- to 8-year-olds. Stars Matthew Lillard, Freddie Prinze Jr., Sara Michelle Gellar, Seth Green and Peter Boyle.

SECRET WINDOW (PG-13) The plot is nothing special — a distraught writer (Johnny Depp) is menaced by an ominous redneck (John Turturro) who accuses him of plagiarism — but the movie is filled with pleasantly eccentric touches that you wouldn't expect with routine thriller material like this. Chief among those pleasant eccentricities is Depp himself, who spends much of the movie in a ratty bathrobe and perennially mussed, fright-wig hair, ranting and mumbling to himself. The film is based on a very minor short story by Stephen King. Also stars Maria Bello and Timothy Hutton.

SHREK 2 (PG) While not quite the raw burst of unbridled (and vaguely subversive) creative energy that the original was, Shrek 2 is just as loaded with wall-to-wall gags, and may even boast a tighter, more traditionally compelling story. The narrative this time out features a deliciously nasty fairy godmother (Jennifer Saunders) who wants to pry apart our two favorite ogre lovebirds, and give Fiona to her vain, vapid Prince Charming of a son (Ruppert Everett). The movie also makes great use of its other voice talents, both old and new, showcases some of the best computerized animation ever seen, and grooves along on an eccentric soundtrack that includes everything from vintage '70s disco-funk to Nick Cave. Features the voices of Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, John Cleese and Julie Andrews.

SOUL PLANE (R) This African-American Airplane asks us to believe that comedy can indeed result from sticking Tom Arnold and an otherwise all-Black cast on a plane piloted by Snoop Dogg. A leap of faith to be reckoned with. Also stars Kevin Hart, Method Man and Monique. Opens May 28 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)

TROY (R) At a running time of some 160 minutes, this unfocused and overlong historical epic is unlikely to get anyone too excited. Troy tells us that it was "inspired" by Homer's Iliad, but this version of the Trojan wars of 1200 B.C. is history as thoroughly scrambled as something served up by Oliver Stone, and significantly flatter than anything Stone's ever attached his name to. The movie rarely involves us or surprises us to any real degree, and it advances its story almost exclusively in fits and starts. The film simply alternates a steady stream of big, chaotic battle scenes (think Saving Private Ryan in tunics, complete with a soundtrack of whizzing arrows) with endless scenes distinguished by soulful expressions, weighty pronouncements about fate and immortality, and the faux-spiritual vocal stylings of the Bulgarian Women's Choir. Brad Pitt is as buff and bronzed as a Greek god, but turns in his most wooden performance ever as the legendary warrior Achilles, while an array of lesser stars swirl around him. Orlando Bloom drifts through the ether like an Elf transported in from Lord of the Rings, Brian Cox hams it up as evil King Agamemnon, and a frail Peter O'Toole wanders about looking like old Bruce Dern's dazed doppelganger. If only this had been made by Kenneth Anger or Derek Jarman or some other director with the balls to juice the story up with the inside scoop on the man-on-man love connections between studly Achilles' and his warrior buddies. Now that might have been an epic. Also stars Eric Bana and Diane Kruger. 1/2

VAN HELSING (PG-13) A stale, incoherent belch of computer-generated sound and fury whose only knack seems to be the ability to simultaneously induce both headaches and comas. Even hardcore horror fans aren't likely to find much worthwhile in this bombastic mess in which a pair of fashionably dressed monster slayers (Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale) spend a couple of hours running around like headless chickens, shooting bullets, arrows and stakes at anything that moves. The CGI effects are omnipresent and absolutely awful, with gigantic werewolves and Mr. Hyde's coming off as unintentional cartoons with all the personality of Casper the Friendly Ghost. The flesh and blood creatures don't fare much better, with Shuler Hensley making for an utterly bland Frankenstein monster, and Richard Roxburgh's ear-ringed and ponytailed Dracula coming off as a second-rate, Flamenco-dancing reject from the Gypsy Kings. The look of Van Helsing is darkly luxurious and faithful in its way to the old Universal horror films on which it's based, but director Stephen Sommers mistakes attractive set design for mood, and his movie is so frenetic it kills any chance for a poetic moment. The overkill factor extends to the pacing — Sommers simply fills the screen with one big, tedious fight scene after another — and all we can do is wonder what somebody like Guillermo del Toro might have done with this material. Also stars David Wenham and Kevin J. O'Connor.

Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.

This article appears in May 27 – Jun 2, 2004.