"Four paws down." That's one disappointed dog-cum-failed presidential candidate's assessment of Donald Trump's first month in office.
Phazer — a 13-year-old pit bull with a white face and a penchant for kissing everyone in his path — was hoping that the last month would have gone a little differently. To start: ideally, he'd have been top dog in the Oval Office.
Phazer didn't run a terribly formal campaign. Papers were not filed with the Federal Election Commission, for example. He didn't even have a campaign Facebook page. Also, as a dog, he's constitutionally ineligible to hold his desired office.
Mostly, the dog's bid to be Chief Executive was a running joke that started last summer, between Phazer's adoptive mom Janice Somerset, and her neighbors Lois Rhoades and Michael Stemnock, a mother-and-son duo.
"We didn't want to discuss the actual political race, so we created our own political race," says Somerset. "A little Maker's Mark was involved."
The campaign largely took the form of daily joking texts among this crew, plus some funny posters secured to palm trees outside Somerset and Phazer's home in St. Pete's Old Northeast neighborhood.
Phazer also had a very cute and inspiring campaign video about how he knows where all the bones are buried in Washington, and promising two bones in every pot, and so on — which unfortunately you probably didn't see since it never got uploaded to YouTube.
"We didn't take it to that degree," says Somerset, the handsome Phazer draped over her lap on a comfy blue couch. "We didn't do anything official."
Still, Somerset says she believed — still believes — in some of what Phazer stood for. As a pit bull, Phazer knows what it's like to be discriminated against based on unfair and untrue stereotypes. This was a big opportunity for him to take a stand against bigotry, and for equality.
He also supports free speech.
"Barking is allowed," as Somerset puts it.
Plus, "Phazer has had absolutely no ties, no communication in any manner, to Russia. He hasn't even met a Russian greyhound," says Somerset, before noting that her boy does have a little weakness for French poodles.
Indeed, says Somerset, Phazer is having a bit of a ruff time with a number of what's transpired since Trump took office.
Some of Phazer's complaints arguably fall outside the realm of what you might expect a dog to be interested in — like being disappointed in Trump's pick for education secretary. Phazer also takes issue with the building of walls.
"He wants to pee on them," says Somerset. "I don't think he's happy with anything."
If it's genuine discontent, or the continuing need for an outlet, Somerset believes we haven't seen the last of Phazer's public life. He knows how to make a lot of noise, and isn't afraid to bark.
"He said, 'Well, maybe the next time they need a Pope,'" says Somerset. "I said, 'Dude, I don't think you're religious enough.'"
