Dear Love,
I am a single mom that has been on dating apps since I got divorced three years ago. I did meet one boyfriend (now ex) on PlentyOfFish, after being on it for only a couple of months. But it's not working anymore. Those dating apps take a lot of time and are awkward. They've gotten as bad as randomly going to the bars. Also, I wonder, what if I do meet someone and hook up with them, and then it turns out they've hooked up with someone else I know? But how else do you meet men? Sure, they're half the population. But I can't tell who's available by looking, or if we'll be compatible. I want a relationship, not hookups. Did Tinder kill dating apps?
One Single Mom
Dear One Single Mom,
Like most of us, it sounds like you do enjoy sex. And that's OK. You're certainly going to want to find a mate who also enjoys sex. This means they will have had sex with other people. Imagine the happy, fulfilled sexual life you will have, and let that cancel out any worries about who your future husband has had sex with in the past (or may be having sex with right now).
Now that that's out of the way, here is your horrible truth…You have to get a hobby. I know. You're probably thinking, I'd love nothing more than some 'ME' time, but I can barely keep my teeth AND my hair brushed. Days I need to hit the grocery store, I have to choose between the two. When exactly am I supposed to take up this 'hobby'?
I know these defenses well, because I was there, and I didn't even have the mom factor playing into my overwhelm. I was living in New York City, and at any given time I was hustling between at least three jobs, praying it wouldn't rain. Inclement weather not only slowed the city streets, but left me looking unfit to teach a yoga class. On top of all this, I was trying to get a book published. Anything like a spare moment that I did have was spent writing, or going to events where I might meet other authors, or agents. I certainly didn't want to spend 45 minutes getting somewhere to endure mind-numbing chatter only to wish instead I was watching paint dry. Then came the insult of having to spend another 45 minutes to get home.
It got to the point where I was convinced that the longer you were on a dating app, the less likely you were to find a mate. As if there was an expiration date, and I'd passed my prime. But how else to meet men? I didn't want to go to any stupid MeetUps, or loiter in the vegetable aisle of the supermarket, hopeful.
The first workaround I landed on was meeting potential dates at the dog park. This was something I would've been doing anyway. Better yet, the activity itself gave me a chance to learn a lot about potential dating material. Well, my dog did the learning on my behalf. If he didn't like you, you were out. Hartley likes everyone. Except, luckily as it turned out for me, he doesn't.
Soon enough, I was arranging meetings at other things I wanted to do, but wasn't making time for. Art exhibitions. Films. Story-telling shows. My litmus test became, Would I be doing this whether we were meeting or not? If the answer was yes, then it couldn't possibly be a waste of my time. Besides, the activities gave us other things to talk about. It wasn't just sitting through dinner or coffee, wondering how soon I could politely exit. (But not always, once I ordered a salad for "dinner" and asked for the check as soon as the waiter brought it out.) Finally, I realized I was having a hell of a lot more fun all the time, in part because I was actively developing my own interests. I don't know what your dog park is, but if you're genuinely stumped, here's a list of festivals happening throughout Florida to get you started.
Over the ten-year period that followed my divorce, I went on and off dating apps, but I became less invested in the apps as the solution. They were just another tool in the kit. Though eventually I met my husband on a dating app, it wasn't until I'd come around to enjoying the dating part of dating. I had to accept the hard truth–if I wasn't willing to devote time to getting to know someone, what made me think I had time to have that person in my life?
Mary Oliver put it beautifully and succinctly when she wrote, "you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.” I was expecting others to do for me what I would not do for myself. My dream for you is that you might cut the time it takes to move on at least in half — not for the sake of saving time, there's no rush — but for the sake of showing your kid how to make magic in their life. Because that magic will seep out into those other areas you say aren't working anymore. You're just stopped up is all. Unravel those mental knots you've made. And, well again I have to quote Ms. Oliver, “Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.”
Love, Confidential
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This article appears in Jan 31 – Feb 7, 2019.