So you’ve got a few days free — time to catch up with Christmas flicks, Oscar bait and maybe even that little sci-fi indie (can’t think of the title). But how to choose?
Well, in the interests of saving you all that Rotten Tomatoes research, here are our summaries, in 5-7-5 syllable form, of everything opening or that’s likely to still be in theaters on Christmas weekend. That’s assuming, of course, that there are still theaters running anything other than you-know-what — which, you’ll notice below, gets the three-haiku treatment, because, well, you know.
Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Road Chip
Name sucks, and the ’munks
Still sound like nails on chalkboard.
But hey! Kids love ‘em!
The Big Short
Hedge fund managers,
Housing bubbles, market crash.
It’s a comedy.
Bridge of Spies
Tom Hanks and Steven
Spielberg made a spy movie
More people should see.
Brooklyn
Saiorse is Irish
And must choose between two men.
Luminous actress!
Carol
Lush ’50s look, and
Rooney’s pert. But the point is:
Who can resist Cate?
Concussion
Fuck the NFL.
Seriously, we mean it.
Fuck the NFL.
Creed
Remember Rocky?
This sequel has great buzz, plus…
An Oscar for Sly?
Daddy’s Home
Testosterone time!
Wahlberg and Ferrell face off
As dad vs. stepdad.
The Danish Girl
Eddie Redmayne is
Gorgeous, as is the movie.
Both are quite polite.
The Good Dinosaur
An awesome Western,
Complete with touching moments.
Such a shame it bombed.
The Hateful Eight
Quoth Tarantino:
Rejoice! For misogyny
Will unite us all.
In the Heart of the Sea
Oh my Chris Hemsworth,
What a big whale you’ve got there!
Kill it! Kill it now!
Joy
O Miracle Mop!
Jen, Bob and Bradley are back
’Cause of you. O Joy!
Krampus
Sick of Christmas cheer?
Summon up this horned demon
For a real cruel Yule.
The Martian
Matt Damon grows crops
With his poop on Mars, but this
Film is not shitty.
The Night Before
Rogen pals search for
A great Christmas Eve party
And better reviews.
Point Break
No Keanu, just
Lots of sporty daredevils
Going to extremes.
Room
Larson and Tremblay,
Ma and son, trapped together.
Unforgettable.
Sisters
Strong funny ladies,
Wacky madcap adventure.
Not made for thinking.
Spotlight
Hotshot reporters
Take on the Catholic church.
Frightening but true.
Trumbo
This could be today:
Blacklist fear drives hate machine.
Guess Fox News took notes.
Youth
Caine, Keitel, Fonda:
Artsy oldsters in the Alps.
Plus, there’s Rachel Weisz!
AND 3 HAIKU POINTS OF VIEW ON… Star Wars
A brand new Star Wars
Similar to a new hope
Equally as great.
Everyone’s older.
Dysfunctional family
Pokes fun at themselves.
Huh? You mean Star Trek?
No? Oh, right, R2-D2.
That’s a thing again?
This article appears in Dec 17-23, 2015.