Werewolf
3 star(s), 88 minutes, Blu-Ray, DVD and Streaming
It’s true, the best movie I’ve watched in two weeks is a Polish import, originally released in 2019, about a group of young children who escape from a Nazi concentration camp, only to be tormented by a pack of savage dogs.
Yes, it’s called “Werewolf.” No, there aren’t any actual werewolves in the movie.
But, at least writer-director Adrian Panek is trying to tell a story, which admittedly is uncomfortable and difficult to watch at times, especially early on when the children are being terrorized by German soldiers who find sport in killing them indiscriminately for failing to follow commands.
The Rental
1.5 star(s), 88 minutes, Blu-Ray and Streaming
The highest profile new release this week is the directorial debut of Dave Franco (James’ brother), who attempts to turn renting an Airbnb into a horrific experience.
“The Rental” is basically a 90-minute exploration of how awful and just plain dumb ideas can escalate into tragedy. Yes, there’s a killer, but you never find out who he is. Yes, there are top-notch actors, like Dan Stevens and Franco’s wife Alison Brie, but their performances pale next to past roles.
For a horror film, “The Rental” is surprisingly devoid of blood, or tension, or anything resembling a narrative progression.
Deathcember
2 star(s), 145 minutes, DVD and Streaming
“Deathcember,” the latest horror anthology, has an interesting premise based on an advent calendar, which means there are 24 short films included to titillate fans.
That’s where the good news ends.
At two-and-a-half hours long, watching “Deathcember” feels like you’re engaged in some sort of twisted penance. Yes, some of the short films are solid, such as 'All Sales Fatal,' a brief battle-to-the-death holiday shopping excursion where a pretentious “Karen” tries to return an item without a receipt and basically enters Thunderdome against the no-nonsense checkout clerk. Some are too obvious, such as a young boy who refuses to be patient and opens every compartment on his advent calendar at once, devouring all the candy, until he himself turns into a piece of chocolate. Some are so weird that you just scratch your head, such as the short about a child on life support who flatlines whenever he doesn’t hear Christmas carols, which causes his immediate family to stay by his side for decades, singing until they slowly wither and rot. But many of the shorts make no sense at all, like the third segment set on a distant planet where environmental pods hover over land and water. There’s no discernible connection to Christmas, and zero explanation for what you’re viewing.
What Lies Below
1.5 star(s), 87 minutes, Streaming
A teenager, Liberty (Ema Horvath), fresh out of summer camp, returns to the lakefront cottage she shares with her mom, Michelle (Mena Suvari), to discover that Michelle has shacked up with a noticeably younger man that her mother says simply appeared one day in the lake outside.
Sure, that makes sense.
John Smith (Trey Tucker), if ever there was a more generic name, says he’s a scientist working on unlocking a mystery about how aquatic life adapts and evolves. He goes overboard trying to win Liberty over, and becomes increasingly defensive of Liberty’s efforts to talk to her mom alone.
Then Liberty spies John walking naked into the lake late at night as a bright red glow surrounds him in the water. Is John not human? Is he not a scientist? Do you care? The answer to all three questions is a resounding “No,” but if you make it to the end of “What Lies Below,” more than likely you’ll be asking yourself why you even bothered.
Dune Drifter
1.5 star(s), 98 minutes, DVD and Streaming
“Dune Drifter,” a new science fiction film from writer-director Marc Price, opens with a nifty intergalactic dogfight after a squadron of new space pilots time warp into the middle of a full-fledged attack above a promising planet the soldiers are trying to colonize.
But from there, the movie simply falls apart, in large part because you can’t help but be reminded of better science fiction films that “Dune Drifter” is emulating.
As a big fan of early Roger Corman schmaltz like “Battle Beyond the Stars,” and probably one of the few people alive who believes “The Last Starfighter” is on par with “Star Wars,” I was hoping for more, a lot more.
Backwoods
1.5 star(s), 70 minutes, Streaming
It takes almost 50 minutes for anything interesting to happen in “Backwoods,” a bizarre horror hybrid mashup from director Thomas Smith, which is a hell of a long time to wait when the entire movie is just 70 minutes. And that interesting thing is actually a huge twist that makes even less sense the more you think about it.
It’s not always fun to bash movies, especially when you can tell that the director was trying to make something good, but “Backwoods” has so many substantial flaws that I would fail as a critic not to point them out.
The main maniac, “The Hangman,” a local urban legend, looks like Toxie from “The Toxic Avenger,” if he had been raised by the inbred clan in “The Hills Have Eyes.” The quote-unquote protagonist, Noah (Michael Anthony Bagozzi), is a slimeball disguised as the stereotypical puppy-dog-longing best friend (ie, Ducky from “Pretty in Pink”). The sound mix comes in and out throughout pivotal scenes, meaning you can barely hear the actors speak over ambient background noise. The special effects are so bad that when one actor is thrown back-first onto a steel bear trap, there’s zero blood and then the trap falls away when his body is rolled over. And then there’s a mid-credits sequence that’s so laughable that it’s almost better than the entire movie that preceded it.
Beyond Hell
1.5 star(s), 89 minutes, DVD and Streaming
There’s no other way to say it, but “Beyond Hell” is beyond bad. Like whoa, bad.
If you’ve seen the trailer, then you’ve seen all you need to see. A group of friends meets up with a drug dealer who recently returned from South America where he participated in an ancient ritual with the psychedelic ayahuasca, which succeeded in summoning an ancient demon, who promptly employs the drug dealer to return to the U.S. and recruit new souls to be damned to hell.
If only the movie was half as good as that synopsis.
Haven’s End
1.5 star(s), 92 minutes, DVD and Streaming
Watching a movie about a global Armageddon event in the middle of a very real global pandemic might not seem like the best idea, but hey, film critics gotta do what they do, regardless of what’s happening outside the front door.
That said, “Haven’s End,” did little to amplify my anxiety because it’s such a bad attempt at making a scary Armageddon movie that I literally forgot all about Covid-19 and just funneled my quarantine frustration into bursts of profanity shouted at the screen.
Seriously, this is a movie about a doctor, Alison (Catherine Taber), who was suspended by her hospital for refusing to follow protocols, who has to flee Atlanta as widespread violence usurps the city, with her fiancé, Derek (Anthony Nguyen), an ex-solider who literally wears a t-shirt that says “Army” on it, and her bestie Jessi (Megan Hayes), whose only defining character trait is that she’s a lesbian.
Eventually they run into Alison’s brother, Kevin, who of course is a giant conspiracy-theory douchebag, and his dimwit girlfriend, who accidentally kills Alison’s father’s best friend when they try to enter Alison’s dad’s remote cabin, where Kevin has been squatting, after surviving a shootout with some survivalists who wanted to steal all of the father’s best friend’s prepper supplies.
Jesus, even reviewing “Haven’s End” is exhausting.
Avoid at all costs.
Relentless
0 star(s), 73 minutes, Streaming
Apparently, 70 minutes is the new go-to length for independent films (see “Backwoods,” above), which is fine by me if the creative talent behind the camera makes good use of that scant runtime.
“Relentless,” however, does not make good use of its runtime.
On paper, director Barry Andersson’s film sounds like a slam dunk: Jennifer (Rachel Weber) is reeling from the death of her husband. Stuck at home during a terrible storm, with a leg brace limiting her mobility, Jennifer finds herself locked in the basement as flood waters pour in and keep rising, forcing her to summon the will to survive.
In reality, “Relentless” never lives up to its name. In fact, absolutely nothing interesting happens for the first 54 minutes or so, meaning Andersson’s movie is the complete opposite of relentless and should have been titled, “Tedious.”
It also doesn’t help that despite the film using lots of thundercracks and rumbling storm noise, viewers can clearly see sunlight beaming in through the curtains of every window, including the window in the basement.
Then, with just 16 minutes to spare before the credits roll, Andersson finally floods the basement, which prompts a flashback to Jennifer’s youth when she and her father capsized while canoeing in the ocean or something, which is followed by a bunch of scenes of Jennifer swimming around the basement and gulping air from tiny pockets of oxygen, all the while completely forgetting that there’s a window that opens that would allow the water to flow out.
And then “Relentless” ends. Yep, it just ends. As in, the last thing you see is Jennifer in an air bubble telling herself everything is going to be okay. Then, fade to black.
Seriously, what the actual fuck?
Also Available as of Dec. 4, 2020:
Train to Busan Presents: Peninsula The sequel to the exceptional “Train to Busan” is now available on Blu-Ray and streaming.
Coming to America, Beverly Hills Cop Can’t get enough Eddie Murphy? Wait until you check out two of his classic films in glorious 4K Ultra-HD.
Top Gun Limited Edition Steelbook Because of Covid-19, we have to wait several more months to see Tom Cruise return as Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, but Paramount is trying to ease that pain by releasing a new 4K Ultra-HD collectible steelbook edition of the 1986 classic.
The Other Side of Madness The fine folks at The Film Detective have unearthed another lost classic. Arriving on Blu-Ray fifty years after its original release, “The Other Side of Madness,” the first film to depict the Manson murders, was filmed while Manson and his acolytes were on trial and it was partially lensed at the infamous Spahn Ranch.
Trading Places, The Golden Child Still can’t get enough Eddie Murphy? Paramount Presents has you covered with Blu-Ray editions of two more classic films.
Popeye Rumor has it, if you eat your spinach, you get crazy strong. Until then, check out the Robin Williams classic now on Blu-Ray for the first time.
Cagefighter Gina Gershon (?!?) stars as a promoter who pits a professional wrestler against an MMA champion in a no-holds-barred battle to the finish.
bOObs: The War on Women’s Breasts As the husband of a breast cancer survivor, I can’t help but promote this new documentary that investigates whether mammograms cause more harm than good.
John W. Allman has spent more than 25 years as a professional journalist and writer, but he’s loved movies his entire life. Good movies, awful movies, movies that are so gloriously bad you can’t help but champion them. Since 2009, he has cultivated a review column and now a website dedicated to the genre films that often get overlooked and interviews with cult cinema favorites like George A. Romero, Bruce Campbell and Dee Wallace. Contact him at Blood Violence and Babes.com, on Facebook @BloodViolenceBabes or on Twitter @BVB_reviews.
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This article appears in Dec 10-16, 2020.