From the first rasp of his Billie Holiday-singing elf (“Aaaaway in a manger …”), David Sedaris set a new standard for the biographical essay. Since then, his sardonic wit and NASA-strength radar for life’s absurdities have won him millions of fans.

The best-selling author of Barrel Fever, Naked, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, and When you are Engulfed in Flames, returns to Tampa Theatre next Thursday. Here’s a guy so famous and prolific — a description that would surely make Sedaris cringe — that he doesn’t even need a new book for an excuse to tour and trot out fresh material. His most recent volume, a collection of fables called Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary, with illustrations by Ian Falconer, hit the stands in September 2010. The evening will feature all new readings from the Squirrel book and never-before-read chapters, essays and such — and a book signing.

With anticipation building for his impending arrival, we pondered the question, What Would David Sedaris Do? (or WWDSD? for the bumper-sticker crowd). We looked to his treasured tomes and found numerous, if inadvertent, tips for how to live a Sedaris-blessed life.

1. Don’t picture people naked if you’re nervous before a speech or presentation because….

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.” ­­ —Barrel Fever

2. Be circumspect in matters of the heart.

“We can’t profess love without talking through hand puppets.” —Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

3. Be outwardly modest.

“I mean, I’m always happy if I have, like, humiliating asshole things that I did. I think: Oh good, that’s a good story. Because if you write about humiliating asshole things other people do it doesn’t work as well. I mean, you can, but you can get away with it better if you talk about what an asshole you are. It’s much easier.” —January Magazine, June 2000

4. Hold on to your sense of wonder at the Information Superhighway.

“I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed that Rock Hudson towered over everyone, and I typed in “How tall was” and I saw “How tall was Jesus,” and I’m like, “Sure,” and half an hour later you’re somewhere you didn’t expect to be. It doesn’t work that same way in books, does it? Even if you have an encyclopedia, the trail isn’t that crazy. I like that aspect of it.” —Bohemian.com, June 2009

5. Never feel sorry for yourself.

“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” —Barrel Fever

7. Embrace your sexuality.

“It’s just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.” ­­­­—When You Are Engulfed in Flames

8. Never underestimate the richness of cultural diversity.

“Were I to receive a riding vacuum cleaner or even a wizened proboscis monkey, it wouldn’t please me half as much as knowing we were the only family in the neighborhood with a prostitute. …” —Naked

9. In nature, we learn that symbiosis can be a beautiful thing, but when it is parasitic it can be a pain in the ass.

“I was reading The New York Times a couple years ago, and I learned that there is a certain kind of leech that can only live in the anus of a hippopotamus.” ­­—Sedaris on the anthropomorphic inspirations behind Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary, expressed during a Q&A from September 2010, Vulture.com

10. No matter what, always, always be cock of the walk.

“Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can’t kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Roster. You know what I’m saying?” —Me Talk Pretty One Day

Words from goodreads.com and notable-quotes.com. Portland writer Kelly Becker contributed to this report.

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This article appears in Apr 12-18, 2012.