My partner in crime, El Cap, drives a boat for a living. Specifically, he drives a tow boat. Now some people call these guys pirates, but I say it's a matter of perspective. I prefer to think of what he does as "privateering." Meh. You say "coldblooded man sailing the high seas and taking advantage of the unprepared boater"; I say "Man I love." Potato, po-tah-to, y'all.
El Cap's job means he has a front-row seat to all the asshattery that takes place when all you weekend warriors have a few eighteen beers and decide to drive a boat. Fun fact: In Florida, you must have a license to drive a car and cannot have open containers of alcohol in that car. Another fun fact: Neither of these things are true about boating in Florida, which essentially means El Cap has the horror pleasure of dealing with people with enough money to buy powerboats but not enough to take a boating safety course. Apparently.
Now, don't get me wrong — most boaters (especially the ones he helps in the course of his workday) boat responsibly. The people he's towing or bringing fuel or whatever aren't the problem. It's the people who decide, hey, it's a holiday weekend, let's drink a little and then boat around a historically shallow bay who cause problems.
Surprisingly, this thus-far preachy blog won't proceed to the next logical step of asking you to "boat responsibly" because we all know that if you're the type of irresponsible jerkoff who thinks drinking and boating is a great idea, I'm not going to change that. No, the next thing you're going to hear is me whining about not being able to enjoy a three day weekend on the water because of all those drunk douchebags.
It's OK. I know some shallow creeks and rivers where even the most drunk and obnoxious guy from Jersey with a boat that he's likely christened "Pearl Necklace" or some other distasteful shit can't go. That's where you'll find me this weekend, Loafers. Oh, and here, mayhaps:
Check out the Horst exhibit at the Dali, and so long as you're thinking about fashion, head to the Tampa Museum of Art for Norma Kamali: New City — Fashion + Art + Culture.
Kayak across Pinellas. This, as the article notes, is not for the faint of heart.
Take a road trip to Cross Creek and grab some sour orange pie at the Yearling Restaurant.
Mullet Kings. Seriously. They'll be in the Gulfport's Fourth of July parade. Because Gulfport, that's why.
Take a guided walk through Boyd Hill to look for birds, which you'll find in abundance.
Eat up at Chief Creole's Louisiana Crawfish Boil.
Head to the St. Pete Indie Market at the Morean Center for Clay, then across the street to the once-monthly Brocante, because we all need more milk glass, turntables and repurposed mid-century modern wall art.
Watch the fireworks from a boat. Hey, it's a crappy idea to take your own boat out on the Fourth, but why not watch from someone else's?
This article appears in Jun 30 – Jul 7, 2016.