Weekends are not unlike the male orgasm: They're pretty reliable, although, as we understand it, some are better than others.
And, wth Gasparilla on the horizon, there's sure to be plenty of orgasms this weekend. We can't help you there. However, we can give you plenty of other things to do that are almost maybe just as good if not better. Here are a few things that keep you from asking, "Was it good for you, Weekend?"
After all, if you have to ask….
Friday night! Bring it, baby!
Woo-hoo! Let's get it started with… art! Wait, art? Hell, yes, art. Get thee to the Queens Head, where Queen of Arts, Volume III and The Muse in the Window present artwork by local painter Kimberly Cook Stone. The light, airy abstracts are a beautiful example of the diverse talent recently brought to the Queens Head. The opening reception starts at 7 p.m. and the music kicks up at 9 p.m. Bonus track: Far from the maddening pirates!
Of course, if pirates are your thing – and hey, who doesn't love a good pillage? Really, we're asking… – anyway, if pirates are your thing, head to Tampa's Curtis Hixon Park for the Gasparilla pre-invasion party. If only every plundered coast had a party with The Hip Abduction and Howie Day to warn them, right?
Moving on to Saturday, in which our weekend gets as hot and heavy as you'd expect.
Hey, if you're drinking this weekend, remember our motto: It's a marathon, not a sprint. A few tips? Take a cab. Take the streetcar. Designate a driver. And, oh, yes… eat something. Seriously. Suggestions? Try Spinnakers, the former – oh, let's see, Casa Cortez/Aquabella's/Roman Gardens/Dive Bar/J's/Beach Haus. Views of Boca Ciega Bay, seafood, and absolutely no pirates (unless you mean the, you know, real ones. They're still out there, you know.) If you're pirating it up with Ye Olde Drunken Krewe, grab a nosh (pirates do nosh, don't they?) at the Columbia Cafe – right inside the Tampa Bay History Center. While you're there, hop up to the Community display from a local krewe, check out their Bringing Home the Sunshine exhibit, and congratulate yourself for escaping the maddening crowds below.
Of course, there's always the Gasparilla invasion. In a considerate fashion not associated with most pirates, we have it on good word the invasion will commence around 11:30 Saturday morning.
Back on the west side (Pinellas), grab some grub – ah, literally – at The Lure where, if you're lucky, they have a fresh shipment of grasshoppers for their grasshopper taco. Hey, what did you expect? You saw the name.
Let's get back to that art – Coco Hunday, a new space in Seminole Heights, brings our weekend back into focus with Ben Frain's show, including… well, penises. Penii? Peneses? Why, you may ask, does that piece of art have so many penises (In absence of a proper name for a group of penises – penii, if you will – we'll heretofore refer to it as a "knob" of penises)? If you must know why, check out the show.
Looking for less penis in your weekend? Hey, no judgment. Head to Tampa Theatre to check out the Oscar-nominated short films Saturday night.
And, sooner than many of us would like, Sunday arrives like the predictably-timed post-coital snooze. Head to the Deuces for their block party, featuring a whole pig (ready for eating, not petting), a Louisiana-style crawfish boil, and, of course, live music and the chance to taste the best macaroni and cheese ever.
Now, go get yourself cleaned up. We'd love to stay, but we have an early morning meeting.
This article appears in Jan 28 – Feb 3, 2016.