BARTENDER MERCIES
I'm a college professor in my 30s, as is the woman I'm smitten with. We worked at the same college for two years until she took a position thousands of miles away. Because of the fields we're in, we could never be together unless one of us gives up our career. I've told her that I'm more than willing to do this, because I've never felt this way about anyone. I know there are feelings on her side, but she isn't head-over-heels like me, or inclined to change anything about our situation. I don't expect her to love me just because I'm the guy who'll answer the phone at 2 a.m. when she needs to talk. Still, I can't seem to stop calling her, even though it leaves me feeling depressed and empty. Any ideas on how to fall out of love? Johnny Cash assures me that alcohol is the best bet, but it really isn't doing the trick.

-Hung Up

Alcohol could be just what you need to get on the road to recovery. I believe Johnny was a whiskey man, but, for your situation, I'd recommend a nice tall pitcher of Don't-Call-Her-tinis. Get a large glass pitcher. Pour in four parts gin, one part dry vermouth, and stir. Throw in a handful of olives. Drop in your telephone receiver. Add your cell phone, Treo, and/or Blackberry, and stir. Take the pitcher into your backyard, dig a hole, and dump the whole mixture in. Cover with dirt and retreat. Problem solved! And no nasty hangover or need for rehab!

The drowning and burial of all your telecommunication devices may have some unpleasant side-effects, such as inconvenience or death. (Shouting "911!" out your front door is more likely to summon noise complaints than paramedics.) Luckily, there is an appliance-preserving alternative: Recognize that you're involved in something unhealthy and unproductive, understand that you must stop, then exercise the self-discipline not to pick up the phone.

I know what you're thinking: It can't be that simple. Actually, it can be – once you quit seeing yourself as a participant in one of the great romantic tragedies of all time: two lovers torn apart by… oops! … the woman's persistent apathy about being with the man. Sure, there are feelings on her side; perhaps the feeling that talking to you is cheaper than paying a psychotherapist?

No, you should not crumple up your Ph.D. and move thousands of miles to become her cleaning lady. The "Can I come over and lick your floors?" approach to winning her love will not only fail, it will blast away any remaining shards of respect she might have for you. People sometimes think that, once a woman gets money and position, she'll go for the cabana boy. Actually, the opposite is true, according to a number of studies, across cultures, by anthropologists and psychology professors. In fact, the more powerful, educated, and highly placed a woman, the less interested she is in, say, a guy who gives up his professorship to perform regression analysis on the effectiveness of Mop & Glo over Murphy Oil Soap on her hardwood floors.

Fun as it must be to jolt out of REM sleep to say, "Will that be all, Madam?" you won't have love in your life – at least, not the reciprocated kind – until you start listening for "I love you, too"; preferably, somewhat closer to home. Tell her you can't talk to her anymore and stick to that – one unmade phone call at a time, one unanswered phone call at a time. Changing your custom ringtone might help; perhaps to something like Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"… as attached as you seem to have grown to Iggy Pop's "I Wanna Be Your Dog."

THE WAFFLE TRUTH
I've been dating a guy for almost four months. Because his parents had a rough divorce, he says he sometimes feels "scared" about the idea of a committed relationship, and he's been distracted and distant a few times. Ninety-nine percent of the time, however, he's attentive and caring, and he says I have nothing to worry about. Should I believe him?

-Concerned

What do you expect him to say, "You've got great hair, let's make a life of it!"? There are guys who'll give you the impression that the first date is merely a prelude to pricing wedding caterers. After you sleep with them, they'll be off giving the same impression to somebody else. Your guy is actually giving serious consideration to whether you two might be compatible – a much better idea than dashing blindly into the long haul, then trying to poke each other's eyes out in divorce court. So, he's occasionally distracted and distant. This could be a sign that he's sick of you – or that he's trying to remember whether he put money in the meter.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

This article appears in May 4-10, 2005.