Leave Orwell Enough Alone
My boyfriend of two years and I have a solid relationship. Because I get off work later than he does, he catches a ride home with a female coworker whom I dislike very much. She and my boyfriend dated a while back, although they never "did the deed." At a party a few months ago, she came up to me in front of my boyfriend's coworkers and asked how long we'd been together. "For the two happiest years of my life," I answered, smiling, with a sweet tone in my voice. She said, "Well, I've known him longer than you," and walked off. Out of respect to my boyfriend, I let it go, but I'm growing insecure about the ride situation. My boyfriend said he doesn't want to be stuck at his buddy's house until I'm off work. Well, I'm uncomfortable with her taking him home, worried about her moving in on my man, plus, I just can't stand her. How can I put the brakes on this carpool?—Driven To Distraction
Note that there were Cubans floating to the U.S. recently, in a green 1959 Buick they turned into a boat, but no Jewish grannies from Miami sailing the other direction in their retrofitted giant yellow Cadillacs: "Oy, Irving, I think I left my heart pills back at the condo."
Don't be too quick to start dabbling in carpool totalitarianism. Chances are your boyfriend got together with you because he wanted love in his life, not his own personal despot. Freedom is a hot commodity — hottest for those who don't have it. The moment you try to yank away your boyfriend's freedom is the moment it becomes the overriding theme of your relationship, turning it into the world's tiniest police state — population, two: one jack-booted commandant (that would be you) and one sullen, freedom-fighting dissident (guess who!).
How much sense does this make, anyway? A girl gets snippy with you at a party, and you're ready to have your boyfriend installed in an extra-large snow globe, complete with tiny, Kalashnikov-toting guards around the perimeter. Are you so bored with contentment that you need to bring a little resentment into your relationship for a change of pace? The guy has done nothing wrong. You said so yourself, in an e-mail response to me: "He's never done anything that would lead me to distrust him, and he's stated to me before that he has no use for cheating — that he'd rather break up than cheat." Quite frankly, talk is cheap. The essential question is, has he shown himself to be a good guy in the two years you've known him? If so, keep him around by making your relationship someplace he wants to be — not by making it feel like one of those Twilight Zone episodes where the walls keep closing in.
What you should have done, after your encounter at the party with Miss Snottypants, is casually mention it to your boyfriend: "Gee, your ex-whatever spewed a bit of passive-aggressive on my dress. What do you think that was about?" This would have been his cue to placidly reassure you, thus preventing you from sitting around festering about his ride-sharing situation for the next two months. For him, it's probably just convenient transportation. Trust him and let him be, and it should continue to be that — as opposed to motivation for him to tunnel out of your relationship with a sharpened spoon … while somebody waits for him with the motor running, in the getaway car(pool).
A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Read
I fell in love with a girl in my junior year of high school, but moved away that summer. We've kept in contact and visited over the past 10 years. I could never shake those first love feelings. Although we've never been together (intimately), whenever I see her, it's just like high school. She recently told me she's never shared my feelings, beyond friendship. Now I feel kind of dumb. What's with me that I carried this torch for so long?—Crushed
What have you been doing these past 10 years — leading up to asking her on a date? Or were you just waiting for the heavens to open, so she would know it was time to tear off her clothes and beg, "Take me, I'm yours?" If only you'd had the guts to ask her out, you wouldn't have sat around for an entire decade, obsessing about somebody who, most likely, rarely gave you a second thought. Rejection is a wonderful thing — merging your ideal with what's real and freeing you up to pursue a relationship with somebody who wants you. Sure it's excruciating in the moment, but in the long run, it beats the alternative: volunteering to be held back in your junior year of high school for the rest of your life.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
This article appears in Feb 19-25, 2004.